How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
Let’s say you’re in a couple play situation where there is lots of alcohol involved and one husband is feral for the other guy’s wife, to the exclusion of everything else. If his wife is upset by this, and there is almost zero chance the drinking will be less, it seems like continuing the play another time will just lead to more hurt. Is there a way through this? The husband is not interested in moving forward if his wife is hurt by his drunken behavior, but is it worth trying again if his intent is to be more conscious of how his wife is doing during play?
—Tunnel Vision
Dear Tunnel Vision,
I think the most prudent thing to do here is to consider what the emotional fallout will be if the same thing were to happen again. You’ve written your letter in a hypothetical voice without identifying yourself, which is uncommon for this column, but I have a hunch that if you’re in this configuration, you’re the wife. If that is true, envision what a scenario will be like if your husband follows the same pattern. Will it be upsetting, devastating, relationship-upending? Something else? What exactly would you be risking if the worst-case scenario were to play out?
One positive here is that the husband no longer can claim plausible deniability should he zero in on a single target and others’ feelings catch strays in the process. He knows what happened last time. If alcohol clouded his judgement, he should take it upon himself to drink less—if getting loaded in the presence of available alcohol (and nonmonogamous sex) is an inevitability, that may signal an issue with substances or a general discomfort with this kind of play. Both should be interrogated. I know people love to get drunk and screw, but if they have to get drunk to screw, they might want to think about why and consider other means of social lubrication.
Another positive here is that he actively does not want to upset his wife again, which suggests he’s learning. Now is the time for the wife to voice her boundaries and for him to accept them. If these are successfully adhered to, you will both have grown from a negative situation, perhaps rendering it all worth it.
So, I say give him another chance unless you (I mean … the wife) are fairly sure that a repetition of the first time will cause irreparable damage. Obviously, he’s extremely into another woman there and part of the point of this kind of play is for people to have their fun. But it truly should not be to the exclusion of everything else, including consideration for one’s partner. If he truly cannot maintain that very meager standard, this kind of play should probably be taken off the table entirely. But you should also consider the fact that his interest for at least one other woman will likely endure whether you go forward and incorporate her into group sex or not. If the very fact of his attraction is bothersome or distracting, it may deserve a sober discussion and your own efforts to come to terms with it.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a gay man and I don’t get any enjoyment from my penis during sex. I don’t enjoy anal, either. I love closeness and intimacy, including kissing and cuddling, and I am happy to give orally, but getting my dick sucked does nothing for me, nor does penetrating another guy and nor does bottoming. None of it is uncomfortable and I enjoy giving pleasure to others, but none of it is as satisfying as masturbation. Is there something wrong with me?
—(Not) My Pleasure
Dear (Not) My Pleasure,
There’s a good chance there’s nothing “wrong” with you here. Maybe this is just how you are, and all the psychological searching you can muster (alone and/or with a therapist) won’t give you any answers. Maybe you just know what you like and what you don’t. Giving pleasure is a great thing, and there are guys who identify as cocksuckers who know this well. If masturbation is your primary vehicle for pleasure, maybe you’re a bator. Maybe you are somewhere on the asexuality spectrum (some deep thinking on the subject, by reading a book like Angela Chen’s Ace or browsing/participating in the discussion at r/asexuality could be useful). Maybe none of these labels appeal to you. My sense is that you’re navigating your body’s responses to sex very well and still finding activities that are fun. If you can be at peace with where you are sexually, that’s more than can be said for a lot of people.
If, however, this is distressing and something you’d like to work on changing, definitely seek the services of a therapist (preferably a sex therapist, or even a sex coach) who can help you sort out whether these feelings might be a response to something that’s happened in your life or just a regular facet of your particular sexuality. There are no guarantees that you will be changed by the process—nor do I think you need to be—but the more you think about it and the more you attempt to work on it, the more likely such a change will occur. We can’t say for certain what’s going on from here, but if you’ve exhausted all potential reasons and this continues to bother you, you may want to look into whether what you’re experiencing is sexual anhedonia, a condition marked by an inability to feel sexual pleasure. It has many potential causes, physical (like low testosterone, neurological issues, or medication) and psychological (depression, performance anxiety), alike. A visit to a doctor, hopefully one with whom you are comfortable discussing sex, may be illuminating. Let them know what’s going on, as they may want to run tests.
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Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend and I are both very ass-eating curious—especially him! He’s been begging to try this since early on in our relationship. I’ve always hesitated because it took me a while to open up to and get comfortable with being eaten out in the first place. With butt stuff, I’m especially nervous because of cleanliness issues even after a shower. What if it smells or he gets dirty or it’s gross! I don’t want to turn him off entirely! But I also admit I’m curious about it and think I could be into it. How do I get past my fears and give this a shot?
—Backdoor Curious
Dear Backdoor Curious,
A shower, in most cases, is sufficient prep for rimming. Things that may complicate this solution include stray hairs that poop can cling to (especially if you are less than thorough with your wash) and fecal incontinence. If you have no reason to suspect you experience the latter (and you’d know), you’re already ahead of the game. To keep things extra tidy, you can trim the hair around your hole (I personally trust the Philips Norelco OneBlade Intimate, as it’s never nicked me unlike virtually every other shaver I’ve used, even ones marketed for “intimate” areas). I think some would douche in a situation like this, though it’s probably overkill in your case. Still, if you fear there’s any poop lingering around your rectum that may present itself during play, washing out a few times with water (filter it if you’re using tap and the water in your area isn’t suited for drinking) with a small bulb (like this one) may help you feel hygienically secure. Regular fiber supplementation via psyllium husk could also help quell your fears. It helps bulk stool, often leaving little to none behind after a bowel movement.
If he is so excited about eating your ass, he likely realizes what may come with it. A mishap is unlikely to turn him off entirely. Or if it does, then you’d be no worse off than you are now—at least you will have tried this thing that you’re both curious about. So try to put those concerns out of your mind if you’re going to go forward with this. Probably the most effective thing you can do is just go through with it—take necessary steps to clean yourself as much as possible and let him have at it. You may gain a lot of confidence and security when the ass eating goes off without a hitch. It’ll show you that you can do this and make next time even easier to get into. Of course, if you do feel discomfort, unclean or any kind of vague negativity, you have every right to stop the session, but I would follow my curiosity if I were you.
More Advice From Slate
This might sound odd, but I’m a 35-year-old woman, and I just found out that the female screaming orgasms you see in movies aren’t actually typical. That’s because I’m lucky enough to orgasm in that way. Occasionally, I’ll have an enjoyable orgasm that’s a little more restrained. But for the most part, I’m full-on Meg Ryan in the restaurant scene in When Harry met Sally, except mine is real and not at all a performance. I realize this is the opposite of a problem. However, my question is: Have most or even all of my partners assumed I’m probably faking it?
