Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Our old house was on a very busy road.
So we had a strict rule that the kids weren’t allowed out the front door without an adult. They’re 9 and 11 years old, so I know this sounds like overkill. But there wasn’t a porch or much of a front yard space, and the road had no sidewalks. In the time we lived there, a car once lost control and crashed into our front yard. Even normal traffic went at 50 mph. We had a nice big backyard: The kids played there.
We moved before school started this year. Our new house is in a small development with sidewalks and slow traffic. It’s close to a commercial street, where there’s a public library, some stores, and a park. We want our kids to have more independence now that they can walk around safely. We explicitly told them when we moved that we were excited that they could safely do more on their own here, and that playing in the front yard would now be fine. But they’re having trouble adjusting.
There’s a central school bus stop for the neighborhood, and the local kids all walk to it and wait for the bus together. One neighborhood parent waits with her son because he has special needs, and she keeps a basic eye on the other kids. It’s very safe. But our kids are scared to walk the 1/8 of a mile without us. Our 11-year-old is similarly scared to walk two blocks and meet her friend and the friend’s mom at the park. Our 9-year-old is reluctant to play in our front yard. How do we help them adjust? The strict rules were important for safety at our old house, but we’re worried they left the kids scared of normal life.
—Don’t Want to Helicopter
Dear Don’t,
Let’s rethink this problem from the kids’ points of view. You moved to this new, much safer place a very short time ago. Be patient with them. If the old rules were in place for as long as they can remember, it’s going to take a while for them to adjust. They’re going to need more help than simply telling them that things have changed. They’ll need to see for themselves that they have.
They’ll see this by both direct observation of their surroundings over time (and yes, it may take them a while to fully absorb this) and by observing the way all their friends act (so: a combination of their friends’ modeling appropriate behavior—and good old-fashioned peer pressure).
In the meantime, don’t rush them. If they want to be walked to the bus stop for now, do it. If your older daughter is fearful about the short walk to the park, walk with her. This won’t last forever. And the more matter-of-fact you are about this, the better. One of these days, you’ll hear, “You don’t have to come with us/me, OK? Bye—see you later.” Please be matter-of-fact about that, too!
—Michelle
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