Tiffany Haddish Ruthlessly Roasts Trump Without Using His Name

“Jimmy Kimmel Live” guest host Tiffany Haddish didn’t mention President Donald Trump during Monday night’s monologue, but she seemed to have him in mind as she jokingly announced she was running for president herself.

“I’ve got all the qualifications to be president,” she said, then listed three things she has in common with Trump. “I’m rich, I’ve been arrested a few times, and I always say crazy shit.”

She has one other important qualification as well.

“We’ve had an actor as president, a reality host president, but now it’s time to elect a comedian,” she said. “Finally, a president who’s funny on purpose, most of the time.”

Haddish delivered a campaign-style speech unveiling a platform that includes paying taxes with old gift cards.

“We’re gonna run this country, this government, like a company,” the comic and actor said. “And that company is Sizzler.”

Her platform includes requiring credit scores on dating site profiles, providing pastrami at all Subway locations, and retooling delivery robots to become sex toys.

“No more STDs, y’all,” she vowed.

But her biggest promise was something more profound.

“My campaign is built around a very simple idea: America, mind your own damn business,” she said. “Doesn’t that sound nice?”

That promise called to mind something Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz said as he ran for vice president on last year’s Democratic ticket.

“In Minnesota, we respect our neighbors and the personal choices that they make,” he said on the campaign trail. “And even if we wouldn’t make the same choices for ourselves, we’ve got a golden rule: Mind your own damn business.”

Check out Haddish’s take on that “golden rule” in her Monday night monologue: