How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a straight, cis female. My whole adult life, vaginal sex has always been sort of meh to me. I love the foreplay, my clitoris is very sensitive, and I get easily turned on. But when it comes to the actual intercourse part, it’s always felt like nothing at best and vaguely painful at worst. I’ve seen doctors, but the symptoms of conditions like vaginismus and vulvodynia don’t really match mine. It kind of just feels like I have no nerve endings in there at all. I’ve also gone to bed with enough men to know it’s not just a bad partner. Toys do nothing for me either.
A few months ago, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new.
We had anal sex. I’d always been resistant to anal because I have some digestive issues, but wanted to try it, so we did, and WOW. It’s like whatever nerves are missing from my vagina got put in the back door instead. I finally understood what people love about penetrative sex, and it didn’t hurt at all. I’ve never had an orgasm just from penetration before until that night, when I had like three or four in a row without touching my clit at all. It’s not just the orgasm part; it’s just the feeling of anything at all pleasurable from penetration. It got even better the deeper my partner went (whereas in regular PIV, I tend to have less sensation the deeper it is).
I’m thrilled to have discovered this, but obviously, it still presents some challenges. The digestive issues have not improved (and actually have worsened). And I don’t think my boyfriend wants to do anal every single time we have sex (is that even healthy?). Why does anal sex feel so good for me compared to vaginal sex? Everything I’ve seen online says even the cis females who enjoy anal and find that it feels good still prefer vaginal sex.
—Surprised
Dear Surprised,
I reached out to longtime friend of the column, New York City’s resident rectum expert, and author of Butt Seriously Dr. Evan Goldstein, who had several thoughts about your letter.
The good news is, for some people, anal sex can definitely be a pleasurable alternative. The anus and rectum have different nerve endings and innervation patterns compared to the vagina, which can translate into entirely different sensations. The so-called “A-spot” (anterior fornix) and surrounding nerve-rich tissue can create intense stimulation and, for many, powerful orgasms. Pleasure here often comes down to anatomy, muscle relaxation, and pacing.
The anal canal is surrounded by muscles that need to be relaxed, and its skin is thinner and more delicate, which means lubrication, patience, and gradual progression are absolutely necessary. This is where tools like anal dilators (such as glass or silicone sets, like the ones I developed for Future Method) can help train both body and mind. Starting small, pre-lubricating, and working up in size conditions the muscles and tissue to stretch comfortably. Many people also find that experimenting with different positions, depth, and thrusting styles during toy play helps them discover what feels good while maintaining control over the experience. I’m a huge advocate of personal exploration because it allows people to see what they like (and don’t like) without the pressure of having to perform for someone else.
A common worry is the digestive system “getting in the way.” The reality is that with everyday anal play, the rectum is usually clear of stool. Good digestive health makes a huge difference, such as adequate dietary fiber, probiotics, and hydration to support regularity and reduce the likelihood of issues. If someone chooses to prepare ahead of time, I recommend douching safely; over-cleansing with plain water, harsh soaps, or even store-bought enemas can damage tissue and disrupt the microbiome. That’s why I developed an isotonic cleansing solution at Future Method, designed to be body-compatible, non-irritating, and effective without stripping natural defenses. I know people crave confidence when it comes to anal play, so why not have a body-safe solution to help you achieve that?
I’d also like to direct you to my co-columnist Rich Juzwiak’s quite thorough 2019 exploration of hygiene for anal sex, featuring his personal experience and quotes from both Dr. Goldstein and other experts as well.
Even though you only describe occasional, vaguely painful discomfort, it’s still worth seeking further medical counsel. Here’s what Dr. Goldstein recommends: “For vaginal pain: a gynecologist trained in sexual pain disorders, for anal health concerns: a proctological surgeon, and for pelvic floor dysfunction or muscle-related pain: a pelvic floor physical therapist,” adding that “each of these specialists brings a different perspective, and ideally, they work together to ensure a holistic plan.”
As for whether your boyfriend would want to have anal sex every time, your best bet is to ask him. His preferences will likely be a balance between how he feels about the act itself and how he feels about your pleasure, and he’s the only person who can say, with certainty, what his stance is.
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Dear How to Do It,
Apparently, I am what is called a “squirter.” I am currently the caregiver of my ex, who lives with me. I have just recently started self-care again after about six years. My orgasms are crazy great! I can in NO WAY not squirt. My question: When I start dating, how do I introduce this to a possible partner? It is odorless and clear.
—Fantastically Embarrassing Orgasms
Dear Fantastically Embarrassing Orgasms,
As appropriate for the environment you’re meeting in, when the conversation works its way around to sexuality, mention it as matter-of-factly as you can manage. Your exact wording will depend immensely on how you naturally speak and the dynamic you have with your date.
Squirting is the kind of thing that people tend to either feel neutrally about or react quite strongly to, either positively or negatively. So be prepared for some to shrug or mention that they’ve encountered squirters previously, for others to fetishize you, for still more to have LOTS of questions, and also for a few to immediately thank you for your time and permanently excuse themselves. If you’re happy to be glorified for something your body does by happenstance, go forth and enjoy, because you will find plenty of salivating supplicants. If you’re willing to give a personal Q&A session to satiate someone’s curiosity, again, great. If you’re not OK with either of those scenarios, always know that you get to have boundaries, and you get to decide how you’re willing to be treated in hook-ups and relationships. And you get to make those choices from date to date, depending on the context of the person you’re interacting with and how you’re feeling that day.
As for the last category, of folks who will flee, do your best to remember that their reaction is less about you and more about some kind of squick of their own.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a woman in my mid-20s and I am on my honeymoon. The place we’ve rented has a private hot tub, so my husband and I finally got to realize our fantasy of skinny dipping together. While we were in the hot tub, I rediscovered an old favorite of mine. When I was a kid, I used to swim competitively, so I spent a lot of time in the pool. When I was very young, I accidentally discovered that the pool jet against my clit felt amazing. When I got a little older, I connected the dots and realized I’d essentially been masturbating in public, so I stopped.
Flash forward to now: I’ve told my husband my childhood pool jet story, so he asked if I’d mind using the pool jet while he watched. I did, and it was so incredibly hot, and my orgasm was crazy intense. Now, we’re wondering if there’s any toy that might simulate the sensation of a pool jet on my clit. We’ve played around with some different vibrators before, but none of them have been quite right. Any ideas?
—”Jet” Setting on My Honeymoon
Dear Jet Setting,
Kate Sloan of Girly Juice provided some potential solutions for a letter writer on the hunt for something similar a few months back, which might be of use. If you’re in an area where you’re not worried about water consumption, a fairly focused showerhead will be your most similar option, and you can probably get pretty close to the same sensation from the jet if you use that showerhead underwater in a full bath. Good luck.
—Jessica
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