There’s one thing I absolutely won’t do in bed. It’s the one that’s most expected.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 45-year-old gay man working through complex sexual trauma and am relatively new to sobriety. For the first time in years, I feel mentally ready to connect with others, and I’m seeking a casual friends-with-benefits situation—something low-pressure but meaningful.

Here’s the issue: receiving oral sex is physically difficult for me. I’m well-endowed, and new partners often get excited to go down on me—but I tend to go soft during the act, no matter what I’ve tried (even Viagra). It’s not about shame or lack of attraction. It’s a trauma response. But of course, I can’t unpack all that with a hookup I just met, and many men take my reaction personally.

It’s a similar story with giving oral. I’m a bottom and want to please my partners, but the act can trigger me. I want to be upfront, but not in a way that overshares or kills the mood. How can I communicate this early on in a way that’s honest but doesn’t derail the whole experience?

—Head Games

Dear Head Games,

It is reasonable, de rigueur even, to spell out what you are (and, in some cases, aren’t) into before a hookup. If you’re meeting guys via apps, this can be as simple as including info in your profile (“No oral, only anal,” for example), or letting them know during your coordinating chat. If you’re meeting guys in person, a brief conversation explaining your boundaries should also suffice.

However, know that this may derail the experience for some potential partners. I think your main task is getting to be OK with that. If people can’t abide by your boundaries, they aren’t worth your time. People may filter themselves out if they’re looking for oral, and a lot of them will be. Guys, even the top-identified, may be drooling for your big dick, but bottoms who don’t want their dicks played with are fairly common. That’s not going to shatter a seasoned top’s understanding of the universe. I think you’ll find that what is more of a dealbreaker is you not wanting to suck, but I think you’ll still do fine even with that boundary stated up front. Anecdotally, I see tops in hook-up profiles advertising that they just want anal. They are out there. As with any interest/disinterest that deviates from the status quo, this is just about finding your people, and that process involves rejecting others as you shuffle through. Just be patient and know that if anyone turns you down as a result of your interests, it’s not personal. After all, they won’t yet know you well enough for it to be personal.

Dear How to Do It,

I am a gay man in my mid 30s in a committed, monogamous relationship with an amazing man. Prior to dating him, I lived a very sexually active life and was very involved in the hookup culture. While I don’t judge others for the choices they make when it comes to their sex life, I’ve come to realize my promiscuity was born from a desire to be accepted and from a desire for intimacy. It has taken a lot of work to work through the shame and the guilt I have felt from abusing my body and giving it away so liberally, but I’m slowly accepting my past as a part of my journey of growth and looking at my past self through kinder eyes.

With all that said, my partner and I have a very active sex life. Sex with him is by far the best I’ve ever experienced and it seems like each time he’s coming up with new ways to please me. On the other hand, while I have had quite a few hook ups in the past, they really haven’t required me to get very creative or to put in a lot of work. My partner only tops so I am the bottom in our relationship. Aside from riding, what other positions would work well for a bottom looking to please their partner? Also, while I love giving him oral, his penis does curve which triggers my gag reflex. I love this man so any suggestions on how to please him in the same way he pleases me would be most appreciated!

—I Want to Blow His Mind

Dear I Want to Blow His Mind,

Congrats on overcoming your velvet rage. You say that tops in the past haven’t required you to get creative. Is there anything different about this current relationship that would cause you to feel required to do so? If not, you’re probably fine—some tops just want to be able to do what they will with a hole, little-to-no work required on the bottom’s part other than being receptive. There’s a reason why topping has been traditionally considered the “active” role: It tends to require more physical work. Things don’t have to be this way, but what it could mean for you is riding low expectations all the way to mutual orgasms for you and your partner. I get the sense that you want to surprise your partner with new tricks, but in terms of the vibe and actual sensation, these may not be his thing. You would do better to have a conversation ahead of time about whether or not there’s anything he’d like you to do. The fact of the matter is that any and all positions could work well for a bottom looking to please their partner … depending on the top’s taste and the bottom’s willingness. You wrote a rave review of your sex life so this might be a don’t-fix-what-isn’t-broken situation.

That said, you could try being the one to thrust in positions other than you on top—for example, if he’s in you from behind, you could move back and forth on his dick instead of him doing that work. See if he’s into it. And for oral, try coming at him another way. If you tend to approach from below (as in, him standing while you are kneeling or even if he’s lying down and you situate yourself between his legs), instead approach from above. Have him lay on his back and approach from the top (as if in a 69 position). That can help with accommodating, depending on his curve. You could also try laying on the bed with your head over the edge and have him thrust into you. Again, it will depend on his curve but that could help you take him (tell him to go easy, especially at first because an overeager top thrusting deep can also make things more difficult).

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Dear How to Do It,

My partner and I used to have amazing sex. Lately, though, she’s been having flare ups of chronic pain after receiving (the orgasms are so intense they activate it). We’ve changed positions to help accommodate and ease the physical strain for her both giving and receiving, but now when she gives to me I am not enjoying myself as much (plus I squirted on her once in the new position and she had a super negative reaction.)

Shame has entered my bedroom for the first time in my life, and I’m having a hard time coping. When you add that to busyness, dealing with childcare, and general exhaustion, we end up having infrequent sex that leaves one of us unhappy. I’m usually a hot and ready girl, but I’m just not in the mood given everything, and the pattern of me not being able to get turned on has really hurt my partner’s feelings and led to her feeling blamed and rejected. I just want to get back to feeling horny and having excellent sex! Help!

—Ashamed But Horny

Dear Ashamed But Horny,

The issue here may be overcorrection. You have generously accommodated your partner’s limitations, but it seems that it’s at your expense. More tinkering may be in order. The troubleshooting that needs to be done is figuring out how you can mitigate your partner’s pain while facilitating your pleasure. This will require working together closely, and that I think might be the biggest hurdle here.

It’s going to be hard to collaborate in such an intimate space when there are negative feelings pervading it. It’s likely that your issues here go way beyond positioning—the shame that has entered your bedroom could be just as big of an impediment, if not more so. Your partner’s reactions have not been ideal. It seems that she is honest in her expression, but she hasn’t been extending the kind of sensitivity that you need. She doesn’t have to like your squirting but she should accept it as part of your body’s functionality. Not doing so risks you feeling rejected. It seems that she has also taken personally your body’s reaction to the changes you’ve integrated. That’s a choice she doesn’t have to make. It may be disappointing, even upsetting, that your solutions for managing her pain didn’t fall perfectly into place for both of you, but this is a practical matter. At the very least, there’s an alternate interpretation for your response that doesn’t involve your body unconsciously snubbing her. Why is she opting for that one?

I don’t know what your dynamic is like, and I don’t know how your own behavior and reactions have contributed to it, but what I read was a letter from someone who has done a lot for their partner and it’s still not good enough. Whether you are being treated unfairly or are extremely sensitive to your partner’s feedback (or a little bit of both) is for you to determine. Clarity there will help further conversations on this matter. There may be ways to reconfigure your sex so that you are both satisfied. It won’t necessarily be at the same time—maybe one session is tailored to your pleasure, the next to her’s. Obviously, you may be limited by what her body has the capacity to endure, but she may also need to compromise a bit. Maybe there’s a position that is good for your pleasure/orgasms that isn’t strictly comfortable for her, but also isn’t so uncomfortable as to be unpleasant. If she won’t approach either your conversations about emotions or strategizing for sex with a sense of compromise and collaboration, that’s data. It indicates there’s more work to be done.

—Rich

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