Baseball fans were aghast last weekend over a viral video showing a woman in a Philadelphia Phillies jersey demanding a home run ball a father had snagged for his son during the team’s game against the Miami Marlins in Florida. The dad, later identified as Drew Feltwell, looked stunned as the woman — who has been dubbed “Phillies Karen” — yelled at him and insisted that he hand over the ball. Feltwell eventually took the ball from his young son’s glove and gave it to the woman.
“I had a fork in the road: Either do something I was probably going to regret, or be Dad and show him how to de-escalate the situation,” Feltwell later told NBC Philadelphia. “So that’s where I went.”
Feltwell is being praised on social media for staying calm and shutting down a tense situation in front of his son. “Dad made the right move,” read one comment on X. “Showing his son how to diffuse [sic] a situation could save his life someday. In a sea of irrationality, it’s important to be the rational one.” On Yahoo, commenters called his reaction a “great teaching moment for all of us.” One person wrote: “Dad really showed how to remain respectful. … For the sake of the children and showing respect, he really did a great job!”
Many parents whose children play or love sports have their own stories of adults behaving badly in these settings — and experts agree that there’s a lot to learn from how Feltwell handled this confrontation.
Bad sports behavior
I’m a mom of four young kids who has been deep in youth sports for years. I’ve seen adults scream at teenage referees, parents berate their own children in front of a crowd and one dad try to fight another in a parking lot after a game. But I was shocked at how many parents had stories like this to share. Like Feltwell, most did their best to keep their cool when tensions escalated.
Brittany (who asked not to use her last name) is the mom of Kaiden, a standout youth ice hockey player who repeatedly faced criticism from opposing teams and even coaches for being too good. Youth ice hockey has different levels, and Kaiden played for his local team, which was ranked below his skill level. (All of the other teams with higher skill levels were a long drive away from his home, Brittany explains.)
“In one game, Kaiden had both a goalie and a player tell him he should kill himself,” Brittany tells Yahoo. “A coach from the other team approached my son and talked to him like he was dirt, saying he should be kicked out of the league because his skill level was too high and that he’ll make sure Kaiden can’t play anymore.” At another game, Brittany says, a mom of a player on the opposing team stopped Kaiden on the way to the locker room, yelled at him and told him he should be kicked off the team. And during a championship game, Brittany says, the opposing team repeatedly shouted “Cheaters! Cheaters!” at Kaiden and his team.
Brittany said they’ve repeatedly talked to Kaiden about the importance of not firing back. “We made sure we walked out of games without saying something to the other team,” she says. “I always reminded Kaiden that this is youth hockey. You’re a kid. Just because you’re bigger and more skilled doesn’t mean you don’t belong.”
It’s never that deep to fight over a game.
Life coach Randi Crawford remembers a “beyond ugly” situation during a youth football playoff game that her son played in. “During the game, their coaches — humongous, grown men — were screaming at our boys,” she tells Yahoo. “They called them ‘pigs,’ called one of our kids ‘fat’ and berated them, even after they won.”
Crawford praises her son’s coach for how he handled the situation. “Our amazing coach immediately gathered our boys in a huddle, calmed them down and gave a talk about sportsmanship, integrity and character,” she says. “He told them, ‘How you do anything is how you do everything.’ There was no berating of the other team or their coaches. He focused on how ‘we’ behave.”
Kate Hayden tells Yahoo she witnessed a fight between coaches that escalated into the crowd at her son’s youth soccer game after a series of physical plays. “One kid pushed our kid so hard that he got hurt,” she says. “Our coach got upset and yelled at the ref, and it prompted the other coach to come at our coach.” Hayden says the coaches “got in each other’s faces” while the kids stood and watched. “Finally, the ref went over and the coach went after the ref,” she says. “The parents began to get into it too. Someone said they were going to call the cops.”
Afterward, Hayden says, she made a point to talk to her son about what happened. “I told him some people get very emotional and have a hard time controlling themselves,” she says. She also reminded her son that “it’s never that deep to fight over a game. Competition is good, but when you lose yourself over it, you need to reevaluate what is important.”
Experts say staying calm is crucial
Experts agree that doing your best to keep your cool like Feltwell is important when it comes to confrontations like the Phillies Karen situation. “There’s been some chatter that the dad should have pushed back, but it’s clear that he was aware of her energy and may have understood that he might respond in a way that he would prefer not to in front of his child,” Thea Gallagher, a clinical associate professor at NYU Langone Health and cohost of the Mind in View podcast, tells Yahoo. “When people are activated, they can be unpredictable. It’s important to understand how to slow it down.”
That doesn’t mean you need to back down in every situation when someone confronts you or your loved ones in front of your child. “Staying calm is the right thing to do,” says Aaron Brinen, an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Vanderbilt University Medical Center. “He just chose peace and wanted to demonstrate that for his child.” But Brinen says the response would have been equally valid if Feltwell had said, “I grabbed the ball — this is what the rules are in this stadium,” and not handed it over. “The staying calm part is what is crucial,” he says.
If your child is being targeted by another spectator or parent, you have “every right to step in,” says Ioana Pal, clinical psychologist at Stramski Children’s Development Center at Miller Children’s and Women’s Hospital in Long Beach, Calif. But she also stresses the importance of being calm and firm. “This can be done verbally as well as physically with a parent or caregiver stepping between the child and the adult and asking the adult to speak to them, not to address their child,” she says. “Arguments sometimes happen and we cannot always avoid them, but in these situations, avoiding an argument in front of children is necessary and models good problem-solving skills so they may, in turn, learn coping skills as they grow.”
Afterward, it’s important to talk to your child about what they witnessed, Melissa Santos, division chief of pediatric psychology at Connecticut Children’s Medical Center, tells Yahoo. “Checking in with your child is critical — asking them what did they see, what have they heard, how did it make them feel?” she says. “Depending on the age, children may be confused or scared or have questions.”
Feltwell’s son, Lincoln, later met Phillies player Harrison Bader, who hit the home run, and was given a signed bat. And while the dad has told media outlets he’s still in “disbelief” over the confrontation, he’s remained calm. “Please don’t do anything to that lady,’’ Feltwell told USA Today in response to supporters trying to identify “Phillies Karen.” “Leave it alone.”
Source link
