Being a parent often means feeling like a broken record. Whether it’s reminding your kid to brush their teeth, put their dirty socks in the hamper or do their math homework for the third time, it can be frustrating to have to repeat yourself again and again. When kids don’t listen, yelling can feel like your only option to get their attention. But there are other, more effective ways to handle things when your kids don’t seem to hear you.
In the eighth episode of their podcast, After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings, Big Little Feelings founders Deena Margolin, a child therapist specializing in interpersonal neurobiology, and Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in maternal and child education, shed some light on what parents often get wrong about kids’ ability to listen and why it can be triggering when it seems like your child is ignoring you. In this edition of Yahoo’s “After After Bedtime” column, Margolin shares the key phrase she uses to get her kids to listen.
Listening is not the same as hearing. Just because your child heard you say, “Put on your shoes,” doesn’t mean their brain has the skills to stop what they’re doing, shift gears, hold the request in their working memory and actually follow through.
Those are executive functioning skills — and they’re housed in the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which is only 25% developed by age 3 and still under construction into the mid-20s. So when we expect a 4-year-old to “listen the first time,” we’re essentially expecting a flip phone to operate like an iPhone 15.
Also, not listening does not equal disrespect. Most of the time, it’s dysregulation (they’re overwhelmed), distraction (they’re in the zone) or developmental immaturity (their brain literally isn’t there yet). The takeaway? Listening is a skill, not a character trait. It’s built over time through modeling, connection, co-regulation and repetition — not through punishment or yelling.
Why is it so triggering when our kids don’t listen, and how can parents stay calm instead of being reactive?
When your child ignores you for the third time, it’s not just about the moment. It taps into something deeper. It can feel like, “They’re not respecting me,” “I must be failing as a parent” or “No one listens to me.”
These thoughts activate our own nervous system, especially if we weren’t listened to or respected as kids or if we were punished harshly for “not listening.” That’s why the first step isn’t even about your child — it’s about you.
Try this when you feel that surge of anger rise up: Put your hand on your chest. Take a breath and say, “I’m safe. I’m a good parent. My child’s brain is still developing.” It sounds simple, but that pause interrupts your stress response and brings your thinking brain back online so you can respond instead of react.
What’s one surprisingly effective phrase that builds real cooperation with your kids?
One phrase that’s been gold in my house: “Let’s do it together.” When I see one of my kids spinning out, ignoring me or avoiding the task, instead of demanding compliance, I lean into connection: “Need help starting?” “Let’s race to the shoes!” “Should we do the first step together and then you finish?”
The reason this works is simple neuroscience: Connection regulates the brain. Regulation opens the mind. An open mind is capable of cooperation. The goal is never perfect obedience. It’s building real skills — focus, flexibility, follow-through — through a foundation of safety.
Other tools I love and use:
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Get into their world. Before you ask them to enter your world (put shoes on, clean up, come to dinner), enter theirs — even just for 10 seconds. This might look like narrating what they’re doing: “Whoa, you’re building a giant spaceship!” Or offering playful connection: “Can your astronaut help me blast off to the bathroom for teeth brushing?” Here’s why it works: It helps their brain shift gears with less resistance. You’re not dragging them out of a flow state — you’re inviting them into connection first. This signals safety, which opens the door to cooperation.
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Keep it short and positive. Skip the lecture. Give the instruction in five words or fewer, and tell them what to do instead of what not to do. “Walking feet.” “Hands stay to yourself.” “Shoes on, please.” Why it works: Their developing brain can only process so much at once. Short, clear cues reduce feelings of being overwhelmed and keep their nervous system calm enough to follow through.
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Make it concrete and visual. If you find yourself repeating the same instructions over and over, make it visual. Create a morning routine chart with pictures, a simple checklist with drawings or photos, or a timer or hourglass to show how long until you leave the house. Why it works: Visuals reduce verbal overload, increase independence and help kids see what’s expected, which is especially helpful for neurodivergent kids or during transitions.
Final thought
If your child listens 25% of the time and their brain is only 25% developed, that math actually checks out. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re parenting a human, not a robot. And the more you understand the brain behind the behavior, the less you take it personally and the more powerful you become.
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