Emotional intelligence is the secret sauce to getting ahead, both at work and in life. Even if it doesn’t come naturally, having explicit conversations about feelings can help us understand each other. In fact, most of us are taught that the very first step we should take during a conflict is to tell people how they made us feel.
But as a social psychologist who’s spent years leveraging science to help people solve interpersonal conflicts, I know that emotional intelligence isn’t just about being good at expressing and reading emotions, it’s also about knowing when to talk about them.
And sometimes the smartest thing we can do is to stop diving right in to tell someone how they made us feel. Here’s why.
1. We often don’t agree on what we’re fighting about
We tend to skip the step where we talk about whether the event even happened. It feels silly and obvious. Of course Tom shut you down during that meeting, which made you feel disrespected. And Kate obviously singled you out by not inviting you to that party, which made you feel ostracized.
But assuming a shared understanding of these events might be a bigger leap than you think it is. Maybe Tom noticed the group was still at an impasse with three minutes to go. If he didn’t interject, everyone would disperse with no decision made. And Kate left a lot of people out of her invite list, not just you.
In romantic relationships, it’s common for partners to disagree on whether something did or didn’t happen, and the degree of misalignment predicts outcomes like well-being and daily stress.
What to do
You might want an apology from Tom. But the best opening move in cases like these is to talk about the specific behavior, not how you feel about it.
Try: “Here’s what my recall of events is. But what’s yours?” Make it clear you aren’t assuming that you have an accurate recall of what happened, and neither should the other person.
Focus on specifics. Include details that the other person might not be aware of. Perhaps Tom, who “shut you down,” was told by the boss before the meeting that if he didn’t get the team to decide, he would be replaced.
2. Our assumptions about the ‘why’ are frequently wrong
It’s natural for us to assume we know why someone did something. During conflicts, those assumptions roll off the tongue.
The problem is, those “because” statements often aren’t very specific, include character assassinations, or are just plain wrong.
They’re tied to how we feel about the other person: If we trust them, we go with positive explanations for bad behaviors. If we don’t trust them but we still like or love them, we choose negative explanations, but constrain them to the situation so they aren’t too damning. If we don’t trust or like them, we jump to the worst conclusions.
What to do
Talk about why it happened. Try: “I made some assumptions about why you did what you did, but I’d love to hear your side.” Or: “I know I assumed you interrupted me because you don’t respect me. Can you help clarify why you did it?”
Admitting you made an assumption goes a long way. So does being curious and making room for another explanation. It can be all sorts of things:
- A preceding event like in the example above.
- A misperception of would be an effective strategy, like telling a joke meant to ease the tension in the room that felt offensive to you.
- A deeply held personal value you weren’t aware of, like, “I never would allow someone to talk in the last three minutes of a meeting; that’s sacred vote time”
Resist the temptation to “prove” to your partner that the logic behind their “why” is flawed. That means avoiding “yeah but” statements, like, “Yeah but last week we were running out of time and you didn’t interrupt Mark.” You’re trying to resolve a conflict — not win it.
3. Our feelings change when we know more
Chances are, by the time you’ve gone through those first two steps, you have context, and you no longer feel the same emotions you wanted to lead with.
What to do
Circle back to feelings later in the conversation. Try: “Now that we understand each other a bit more, how are you feeling about this?”
By going through this process, you’ll make your relationships stronger. That’s what happens when we open up to people about what’s really going on in our heads — and get curious about what’s going on in theirs.
Tessa West is a social psychologist and professor at New York University. She has spent years leveraging science to help people solve interpersonal conflicts in the workplace. She’s the author of “Jerks at Work: Toxic Coworkers and What to Do About Them″ and “Job Therapy: Finding Work That Works for You.” She is an instructor in CNBC’s online course How to Change Careers and Be Happier at Work.
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