Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I have a 4-year-old son, “Henry,” who has Type I Diabetes. My wife wants to homeschool Henry next year because she fears that an emergency will happen at school. She would have to quit her job in order to homeschool him, and the resulting loss of income would make it impossible to remain in our high-cost area, which has excellent public schools. Managing Henry’s condition has been a journey for us, but denying him the opportunity to have a normal school experience and develop relationships with his peers seems incredibly harmful to me. Our son is going to have to learn how to exist in the world with his condition. We know other families with diabetic kids, and they aren’t keeping their kids out of school. What can I do to convince my wife that Henry needs to be able to spread his wings?
—Burst the Bubble
Dear Burst the Bubble,
I agree with you that it would be best for Henry to be able to go to school, make friends, learn from many different teachers, and have the most typical school experience he can. I say this as the parent of one disabled kid and another who has a chronic illness, both of whom are students in our local school system.
Though you might be frustrated with your wife, you’ll have an easier time talking with her about this if you try to understand her worries over sending Henry to school. The two of you can discuss specific scenarios you’re both worried about, and what Henry’s teacher or the school nurse would need to know and do in order to help him in those situations. Talk through what you, as his parents, would do in an emergency. And consider how you’d talk about this with Henry, before he starts school—not to scare him, but to make sure he knows that both you and people at school will be working together to keep him safe.
I think it will also be very important—and maybe reassuring—to talk with some of the other parents you know who are raising diabetic kids and sending them to school every day. They are a great resource, since they’re already going through this. They can share what it’s been like for their children, and how they have communicated with the schools about their kids’ medical needs.
Based on his medical diagnosis, Henry should be eligible for a 504 plan, which means that his school will not only be made aware of what he needs in order to access the same educational opportunities as his peers; the school will also be legally required to meet those needs. His 504 can include accommodations like making sure he can eat or drink or have his blood sugar checked at any time while he’s at school, and ensuring that school staff are specifically instructed and trained in how to administer needed medications or treatment. The American Diabetes Association has a sample 504 plan here (Henry’s could be different, of course; you’d tailor it to his individual needs).
Henry isn’t in school yet, I know, but public school systems evaluate kids as young as 3 for eligibility. It’s best to submit a request in writing as opposed to making a phone call. Be ready to provide a letter from Henry’s doctor and any relevant medical records. There can be a wait for evaluations, so I would try to put a request in as soon as you’re ready—don’t wait for the summer before Henry starts kindergarten if you can help it.
In case you share this response with your wife, I just want to tell her that while I absolutely believe it is important for Henry to go to school with his peers if at all possible, I do understand her anxiety. I know how worrisome it can be sending kids with disabilities and complex medical needs to school. But Henry won’t be the first student the school has had who lives with a serious health condition. There are many diabetic students and many more disabled/chronically ill students of all ages, in your school system and every other, who are able to access the education they are legally entitled to. Before you as parents rule out the possibility for Henry, at least be sure you’ve done all you can to learn about what could make it possible.
—Nicole
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