Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 12-year-old son has not seen his father since we divorced and he moved about seven hours north, 11 years ago. Backstory: Both paternal grandparents and all three of his father’s siblings were drug addicts. When I found out that his father was also using drugs, after we had moved across the country to leave behind that toxic situation, I filed for divorce.
When my son was younger, I always explained his father’s absence by saying, “Your dad loved you so much but knew he wasn’t able to be a parent. He knew that Mommy loved you and would be able to take care of you always.” This felt like an adequate explanation for a small child, and since he rarely asked questions about his father, I never really went any deeper with it. Now that we are nearing the teen years, I feel like I should give him a more fleshed-out history. I also worry about the genetic predisposition to addiction; from a clinical perspective, this information is necessary for the choices he will be faced with making in the upcoming years.
Should I bring up this history in our conversations about why his father, or anyone else from his father’s family, is not in his life? I’m worried that telling him will make him feel like he is genetically cursed, potentially making drugs more likely.
But I also worry that not saying it will make it seem like it was a shameful secret we tried to bury. He has a dad who’s been in his life since he was 2, a little brother who adores him. Maybe he just isn’t interested in knowing about a family he never knew.
—Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
Dear LSDL,
You can tell your son the truth. There is nothing inherently shameful about the fact that his father was an addict. Addiction destroys families because it is a personal, physical, and some may even say spiritual sickness that makes its sufferers sacrifice everything they would want to hold dear, including those they love. Addiction is terrible. But it is no more shameful than cancer, and it does not need to be a secret.
So if and when your son asks, you can be honest. You can say, “Your father had the disease of addiction, and it made it very difficult for him to show up for you and love you as you deserved to be loved. I’m sure he would have liked to have done better, but he could not. And the good news is that I am able to be here and love you and your dad is able to be here and love you, and we always will.”
As for the hereditary aspect of addiction, I understand from personal experience that this is a real concern for many families. But the unfortunate truth is that the science on this is equivocal at best. And there is nothing you can say or not say to your son that will guarantee he won’t try drugs, or even become addicted. Obviously this doesn’t stop us from trying. We tell our children that drugs can have a way of ruining lives for some people, many people, and that no one whose life was destroyed ever thought it was going to happen to them. Addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful. And we hope these words have an impact. And they may. But there is no way to guarantee it.
As parents we cannot live too far in the future no matter how much we would like to. Right now, today, you have a safe and happy child who is loved and supported. That’s all you need for today. You can be assured that he is off to a much better start and in better hands than his father was.
—Carvell Wallace
From: What Do I Say to a 13-Year-Old Friend of the Family Who’s Madly in Love … With Me?(January 16th, 2018).
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have been divorced from my son’s father since my son was 1. We have shared custody in which my son spends every other weekend, parts of the summers, and school vacations with his father. I have always encouraged his father to spend as much time with him as possible, and there have been very few issues regarding custody.
My son is now 12 and in seventh grade. In our town, he has a choice between two high schools: one that is traditional, and the other is specialized and will teach him a trade. I was curious which school he might like to attend, and he brought up that he’d had this conversation with his father already. Apparently his father and stepmom (who is a foreigner) are encouraging my son to go to a high school in their town and live with them.
This angers me for two reasons. One, his father should have spoken to me about this before bringing it up to our son. I don’t want to get his hopes up only for plans to fall through. Two, my son has lived with me and my husband his whole life. We have raised him to be a competent, respectful, and helpful young man. But like any 12-year-old, he has his faults. I don’t feel like his overly lenient father can provide him the parenting a teenager will require.
How do I broach this conversation with his passive-aggressive father and nosy stepmom? I feel like they are trying to take my son from me.
—Already Missing My Son
Dear AMMS,
You say that your son has a choice of two high schools to attend, but the reality is that he has a choice of three: the two in your town and the one in his father’s town. That’s right. He has a choice about where he wants to go to school and also where he wants to live. It’s entirely understandable not to like that. But in this case, not liking something doesn’t make it wrong or unfair.
Your use of the phrase “trying to take my son from me” implies that he somehow belongs more to you than he does to his father. And I wonder if and why you feel that way. Nothing in your letter explains why his dad should have less of a right to him than you do. Your kid has two parents. You are one of them. (Surely this can’t be related to your bizarrely xenophobic comment that your husband’s partner is a “foreigner.” You know that “foreigners” also successfully have and raise kids, don’t you?) Your son’s dad has every right to suggest that your son come and live with him in high school. And while I agree that it would have been much kinder of him to bring this up to you before he brought it up to your son, the cat’s out of the bag now.
Your son is in seventh grade, and he doesn’t have to make this decision for a year. Even though the topic was introduced in a less-than-ideal way, it is good that it’s out in the open. This is a big decision and would require serious transition. Having it introduced now gives everyone a chance to sit with it for a while. Your son may be leaning toward it now, but against it later. You may be leaning against it now, but come around later. Either way, your ex did you all a favor by jumping the gun.
But the one thing I would remind you is that your son’s wishes in this matter should be considered very important, perhaps the most important of anyone’s. You don’t like his father’s parenting style, but there’s no indication that it’s a bad or dangerous one. Just not what you prefer. I’m sure he has some opinions about your choices as well. (As you know, that’s the wonderful world of co-parenting with an ex.) The point here is that your son spends significant time in his father’s household. He comes back happy and in one piece, and is so comfortable there that he’s considering moving there for high school. What is being suggested here is a change in the custody agreement; in most states, courts will take both households into account as well as your son’s preferences as they decide whether or not to grant it. That is, if you want to take it to court. I would remind you that it’s not necessary to do that yet, and probably better not to do it at all. No kid deserves to see their parents fighting one another in court. It’s clear you care deeply for your son, so you should try with all your might to avoid that.
The pain you feel is understandable, and legitimate, and real. But don’t make your son organize his life around it. There may be very good reasons he wants to spend more time with his father. Let him do what he wants to do with this situation and let him know that you will love and support him always. I wish you good luck.
—C.W.
From: When Should I Call Out My Child’s Teacher’s Racist Comments? (February 28th, 2018).
Classic Prudie
I am getting married to the love of my life next summer, and my parents have graciously offered to pay for our wedding. But if I ask my brother’s fiancée to be one of my bridesmaids, I’m worried that my parents may refuse to pay. My parents and brother are estranged, and have had very limited contact for several years. Their relationship is tumultuous, and I’ve done my best to stay out of it, but frequently I do something that makes my parents think I’ve formed some sort of alliance with my brother. These “infractions” have included attending their daughter’s birthday party, taking photos with her and posting them on Facebook, and going out to dinner with them. This has caused me to also have a somewhat strained relationship with my parents for the past year or so. I want my brother’s fiancée to be a bridesmaid and their daughter to be a flower girl, but that also has the potential to cause a big problem.
