Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are expecting our first child in October, and my sister is throwing a baby shower for me in a few weeks. Since my husband’s mother found out, she has made it her personal mission to put a halt to the event.
She claims that we are “inviting disaster” by holding it and accepting gifts for our baby before he arrives. I have told her that if she is not comfortable attending, that’s fine, but she doesn’t get to decide for me. Her response has been to tell me to go ahead, but “don’t be surprised when the baby is stillborn.” I’ve had enough. She is really starting to cast a pall over what should be a happy occasion. My husband tells me she’s always been superstitious and to just ignore her. Easy for him to say—he’s not the one who’s pregnant! How can I convince him that he needs to get his mother to keep her opinions to herself?
—Shower Stress
Dear Shower,
You can’t. Or, at any rate, I wouldn’t bother, because even if you convinced him, he’d still have to convince her. (And if his response to you is that you ought to ignore her—presumably that’s what he does—I am pretty sure he knows he won’t be able to convince her. Not to mention that he doesn’t want to be bothered trying.)
How about you take the bull by the horns yourself? You’ve already told her where you stand; she’s blown right by that and escalated things. Someone who tells you your baby is going to be stillborn is not someone you need to hear from. So stop speaking to her altogether until after the baby is born. I wouldn’t even make a production of it: I’d just say, “Oh, sorry, can’t talk now” whenever she calls—or not pick up the phone when you see it’s her. If she stops in for a visit, you’ll be just on your way out.
Do not invite her over; do not accept her invitations. If she complains about your freeze-out to her son—and she will—that’s his chance to say something to her, which is what you wanted in the first place. If nothing else, he can explain why you’re icing her out. That conversation will be good for both of them. Will it change her? Doubtful. But the most important outcome of this is that you won’t have to listen to the dreadful things she has to say anymore. And you can keep this strategy in your back pocket for after the baby is born, if she tries to get under your skin then too. You are under no obligation to put up with her (or anyone’s) bad behavior.
—Michelle
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My friend’s kids don’t know that they’re adopted. My very good friend, let’s call her Stacy, was married years ago, to a man whose niece had a daughter at 16. My friend and her husband stepped up and took care of the baby most days for 18 months, until the birth mother came to them and announced that she just couldn’t do it anymore. They ended up adopting the baby. A couple years later, the birth mom came to them with the fact that she was pregnant again. Stacy and her husband adopted this baby at birth. They raised both girls for the next two years before divorcing.