Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter, “Fiona” is 12 and not a girly girl. She’s not unattractive by any means, just not interested in clothes or makeup. The problem is that my mother-in-law has been constantly harping on this disinterest since last year, and claims that Fiona is “hopelessly ugly and desperately needs a makeover.” It’s gotten to the point where Fiona doesn’t want to spend time with her anymore because she’s sick of the constant suggestions about how she should dress and offers to take her shopping for some “proper clothes.” My husband says his mother is just trying to compensate for the fact that she only had boys and our daughter ought to “humor” her. Personally, I am this close to giving my mother-in-law the wedgie from hell. What’s a good way of shutting this down?
—Grandma Wants a Daughter Do-Over
Dear Grandma Wants a Daughter,
You have to shut this behavior down or cut off your mother-in-law’s access to your daughter. It’s bad enough that she’s pressuring Fiona to change her style, but referring to her as “hopelessly ugly” is both cruel and inappropriate. Let her know that you will no longer engage with her in conversations about your daughter’s looks or clothes, and that if she wants to continue to spend time with her, she has to stop harassing her to go shopping. Do not let your husband use her desire for a daughter as an excuse for her to be nasty. Put your foot down; if she attempts to start one of these dialogues, interrupt her and say, “I’m not doing this with you again.” If she is serious about maintaining her relationship with her grandchild, she’ll get it together. If not, keep her far away from your kid; she has the capacity to cause Fiona serious harm and hurt.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife, “Lara,” has always been on the touchy side, but recently she allowed her temper to cause a serious rift in the family. Lara and I have a 5-year-old daughter, “Nicki,” and we had been planning to go out of town to see a concert for months. Then, the day before we were supposed to leave, the sitter we had lined up for Nicki was in a car accident. Luckily, she wasn’t seriously injured, but still had to cancel. We asked my sister “Bree” if she could come stay with Nicki, and she agreed.
When we got back from our trip, everything seemed fine. Bree was about to head out the door when Lara stormed in from the kitchen, empty Icee drink cup in hand, and demanded to know “where the fuck” it came from. Bree explained that she’d taken Nicki to the mall for some fun at the indoor playground she likes, and she got her a gift before they left. Lara has this ridiculous policy about Nicki not having sugar outside of special occasions, and got in Bree’s face and cursed her out. Bree tried to explain that this was just a special treat, but Lara went after her and started hitting her. Bree is a former junior Golden Gloves girls’ boxing champion, and Lara ended up on her ass with a broken nose before I could separate them. Now, Lara not only says Bree is out of our lives for good, she also wants to sue her. The fact that she attacked my sister over nothing has entirely escaped her. Is there any way to clean up this mess?
—Sometimes You Get the Worst of It
Dear Sometimes,
Is this part of a pattern of behavior? Your wife flew completely off the handle over something small and resorted to physical violence. It sounds like she could benefit from some anger management classes and/or therapy. Let her know that you are concerned by her willingness to turn violent over a very trivial infraction and that you think she should get some help; if there are other examples of this behavior, gently point them out. As far as her vendetta with your sister goes, remind her that she started the fight and could be arrested herself as a result. Explain that your sister would have not ever touched her were she not defending herself and that she is the one who has the right to be reconsidering the relationship. Be clear with her that you and your child will continue to see your sister, as she is in no way responsible for what transpired. Apologize profusely to Bree and let her know that you are going to encourage your wife to seek help with her issues–and mean it.
—Jamilah
More Parenting Advice From Slate
My younger sister has made a lot of choices in the last few years that my family has struggled with. After shocking us with a divorce, she’s now engaged to a man twice her age who’s in prison for an inappropriate relationship with a previous student (also half his age). My sister met him at church before he went to prison, and says that he’s turned his life around and is heartbroken for his past transgressions. They plan to marry this fall. The entire situation has been tough for our family, but I’ve worked hard to support her and love her through everything, even though she knows I don’t necessarily agree with her decisions. The issue is how to handle this when her fiancé gets out of prison, and they get married. My husband and I live across the country and only come home a few times a year, but we have a young daughter, and I’m not comfortable with her being around a registered sex offender.
