Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My mother and father divorced two years ago after a long marriage. She is 64, and the divorce hit her hard. She was very upset because, among other things, my father started dating soon after the divorce and has been steadily going out with a woman for the past six months. Meanwhile, my mother had a hard time dating. She complained about it bitterly, saying it was not fair my father got to restart his life so easily while no one would go out with her. I think part of the reason why her dates bombed so badly was that she has been very bitter and negative, and it scared men off. But she insisted that it was because men want young women (which is funny because my dad’s girlfriend is actually two years older than my mother).
For the past two months, however, she’s been much happier. She told me she was trying online dating. Well, I found out what “online dating” means.
She has been using AI-generated pictures of younger women to chat with men! To make it worse, she’s asked some of them for gifts and revealed personal information that would make her easy to find if they put two and two together.
I confronted her. She told me it’s a harmless game. I said not only was she lying, but she might be prosecuted as a scammer because she’d asked for gift cards. She flew into a rage and told me my father lied in his dating profile (apparently he said he was taller than he really is, which is not the same thing at all). She also said online relationships are just like video games, they’re not real. How can I get her to understand what she did was wrong? More importantly, how can I convince her not to do it again? I’m terrified she’ll get in trouble.
—Daughter of a Catfish
Dear Daughter of a Catfish,
I feel for your mom because she’s clearly grieving this divorce, but you’re right. This is a pretty destructive and potentially dangerous way to cope.
After being married for so long, it’s probably going to take her some time to find a sense of identity and self-worth outside of that marriage, and that’s probably beyond what you’re going to accomplish in one conversation, but you have to start somewhere. The goal is to get her to stop this specific behavior, but the problem is that the behavior is likely being fueled by her grief.
Instead of getting her to understand that what she did was wrong (which, honestly, she probably already knows), can you focus on her well-being? Start the conversation there—even though you might not know what it feels like to lose someone this way after so much time, you know she’s grieving and you’re worried about her.
From there, you can gently explain that while her pain is real, the way she’s channeling it could have dire consequences. It’s not just harmless fun, she’s setting herself up for trouble. Yes, you’ve already tried getting through to her in this way, but framing it as concern for her safety instead of a moral judgment will help get through to her.
It might also help to offer some kind of alternative. Maybe the two of you could sit down, for instance, and set up a real dating profile together, with more recent photos. Or encourage her to sign up for a book club, pottery class, or some kind of volunteer opportunity where she can meet people in person. She would also greatly benefit from a support group for people navigating divorce. It sounds like she needs a healthier outlet for the grief and resentment that’s driving this behavior. Remind her that you want her to find joy and love again—just not in a way that puts herself in danger.
—Kristin
More Money Advice From Slate
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