Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I had our third child last fall. And for the third time, my mom pressured me to name her after my late sister, “Paloma.” Like before, I told her no, and we went with our originally planned name. But now my mom is on a push about how I haven’t honored Paloma or shared memories with my kids about her, and that they’re being harmed by missing out on her as an aunt. My 6-year-old and 4-year-old know that I had a sister, but that she’s dead (classic blunt child response). But I haven’t really talked much about her. Now that my parents live closer and see the kids more often, my mom wants to change that. I don’t really want to.
Paloma was six years older than me. She died of complications from anorexia in her early 20s. Because of the age difference and her substantial impatient time, we weren’t that close. I honestly felt more relief than anything when she died, because her eating disorder tortured my parents almost as much as it tortured her.
I know EDs and mental illness in general can be hell, but I genuinely have no good memories of her after she was about 15. She was deeply in the grip of the disorder, and it made her mean, self-destructive, judgmental, and secretive. I have distinct memories of her telling me from her hospital bed that I was fat and unlovable when I was going through puberty. And that’s probably the warmest interaction we had in my teens.
I recognize the memories I have aren’t the full version of who she was before she got sick. I loved her, but I didn’t like her. I don’t know what I could possibly pass on to my kids to share about her, besides one or two memories from when I was 7 or 8 years old. I recognize that my mom is grieving, and probably always will be. But I don’t really want to get into the details of Paloma until my kids are teenagers. Is that unfair?
—Younger Sister
Dear Sister,
You aren’t under any obligation to eulogize someone who tormented you—even if they are family, and even if they had a mental illness.
Does your mom know how negative your relationship with your sister was? If not, it might be time to have a heartfelt but brutally honest conversation. Bring some of the specific examples that you shared here. Explain how you don’t really have any positive memories of your sister to pass on—and thus she isn’t a person that you feel you can truly honor in your family.
It might be worth pointing out that even though you aren’t fondly remembering Paloma to the kids, you’re not sullying her memory either. Your decision to be neutral about her is a way to be respectful—to both your sister and your mom.
One olive branch you could consider is inviting your mom to tell the kids about Paloma. Of course, there may need to be some guardrails around these conversations. But I suspect your mom fears that Paloma is being erased or forgotten by the family. That’s a devastating prospect for any parent. Telling her, “I can’t be the one to share Paloma with the kids, but you’re welcome to,” might give you the reprieve you need.
Still, even with your best intentions, your mom might not be able to hear any of this. If that’s the case, you might consider whether family therapy could help you have this conversation more effectively. The Paloma you knew is, for all intents and purposes, not the same Paloma your mom knew and loved. She might need a neutral third party to help her come to terms with that painful truth. Good luck.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I recently moved across the country to the city where his parents live. We have an 8-year-old daughter and a 5-year-old son. The issue we’re facing is that my in-laws have a pool with no fence around it. Because of this, I have refused to let the kids visit their place without my husband and/or me present. My mother-in-law claims that because our kids know how to swim, a fence isn’t necessary—and that installing one would “spoil” her view of the yard. She’s been rather abrasive with me because I refuse to compromise. What can I do to impress upon her that tragedies can still happen, even to kids who know how to swim?
—Pool Peril
Dear Pool,
Your kids, your rules. Ultimately, you’re the one who is responsible for your kids’ well-being, so you get to decide what you’re comfortable with. There are so many tragedies with backyard pools that robust conversations around pool safety are a must. In the U.S., it’s the third cause of unintentional injury-related death for kids 5 to 19, which you might share with her, along with some of the harrowing stories shared by parents in this Slate article about preventing such tragedies. If the science might sway her, you can point her to studies that show that pool fencing significantly reduces the risk of drowning. Or that organizations like the National Drowning Prevention Alliance strongly recommend them (plus they have suggestions on which to buy).
I confess that I am not a pool owner, but I wonder if some compromise can be found. Would she be more amenable if she knew about the existence of removable fences—one that she can put up and take down at her leisure? Maybe not, since it’ll require additional work on her part. But she could presumably take the fence down if she plans to have company over, for example, or is having a weekend at home without the kids around. There are also glass pool fences that could help keep her “view” intact while still providing safety.
I wonder whether a broader conversation about all points of pool safety might uncover more common ground with your MIL than you expected. Take the opportunity to talk through other pool precautions the family should be taking beyond fencing. The experts quoted in that earlier Slate article, for example, point out that the most crucial piece of pool safety is close supervision when someone is in the water. They stressed that the person supervising “needs to be constantly attentive, close by (within arm’s reach for a novice swimmer, she says), capable of identifying drowning, and prepared to intervene.”
For the future, it might be worth considering where you’ll stand on the issue when your kids are a bit older. How long would the fence need to stay up for you to be comfortable? Is there an age where you don’t feel like a fence is needed? Perhaps the answer is no, and that’s OK, too.
Realistically, she probably won’t budge, and neither should you. You say you recently just moved, so give it some time. Be kind in your insistence, and as patient as you can be when she expresses her refusal to change her yard, as is her right. Hopefully, she will (begrudgingly) get used to your rules. Demand safety, but don’t let the fence come between you if it doesn’t have to.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are expecting our first child in October. The thing is, my parents are divorced and cannot stand each other—yet both want to be at the hospital, outside the delivery room, so they can see the baby immediately. I’m worried they will cause a scene (as they have at multiple family events) during what will already be a very stressful and emotionally fraught time. My husband says he doesn’t trust them to keep it together and wants to make them wait and see the baby separately in the hospital room. This will be their first grandchild. Should I give them a chance, or is my husband right?
—Don’t Want Delivery Drama
Dear Delivery Drama,
Let me clarify a few things. You say your parents want to be outside the delivery room so they can see the baby immediately. Have you done a hospital tour yet? I delivered in two different facilities, and in both cases, anyone not directly assisting with the birth was kept down the hall, through a secure door, in a designated waiting area—essentially “on hold” until the baby and afterbirth were delivered and mom was cleaned up. So before you make this decision, be sure you know your hospital’s procedures and set your parents’ expectations accordingly. (While you’re at it, you might also inquire whether the hospital has separate waiting rooms, where both parents could wait but stay apart.)
It’s also important to keep in mind that you have no idea how your birth is going to go. Most of the women I know experienced both intense joy and intense vulnerability in those post-first-birth hours. Some wanted to see people right away—eager to enjoy their baby with their loved ones. Others felt overwhelmed or in so much discomfort that they only wanted their spouse and child nearby. And for some, what they wanted after the baby was born was the opposite of what they’d planned beforehand. So be upfront with yourself and your loved ones that any plan you make is subject to change at any point.
Which brings me to one of my two most important points in this reply: Your letter told me what your parents want, and what your husband wants. What do you want? Because, as the owner of the VIU (Very Important Uterus), the way this day goes is ultimately your call. It’s arguably the only time in your life when you can make demands that others must simply fulfill. If you want your parents to meet the baby together, then brush up on your mediation skills and set some non-negotiable ground rules. If you’d rather tell everyone to take a chill pill and wait, that’s your prerogative, too. You get to decide what this looks like.
Since this is an advice column, though, I’ll give you my personal opinion. If it were me, I’d let the grandparents meet the baby first—before any other siblings or family who might also be in the waiting room—but only once I felt settled and ready. And I would have them meet the baby separately rather than together. This is a huge milestone, not only for you and your husband, but also for your parents (especially if this is their first grandchild). I wouldn’t want anyone to ruin that for you or themselves, and I would be nervous that putting them in a room together is setting them up to fail. I don’t want that for any of you. And I’d flip a coin (in advance and in full view) to decide who goes first.
I will close with the second of my two most important points: This birth is just the beginning. Once the baby is born, your parents are going to want to be present for many more events, from birthday parties and religious rites to band concerts. If I were in your shoes, I’d start demanding that they grow up and learn how to be in the same room with each other. Your child deserves no less, and your life will be much easier if you don’t have to keep asking versions of this same question over the next 18-plus years. Good luck!
—Allison
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