Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My in-laws live a four-hour flight away but visit us five to six times a year. They’re both retired and enjoy traveling. My husband and I are parents to their only grandchildren, and they claim they love spending time with them. But their behavior shows otherwise, in my opinion.
Their visits typically revolve around concerts, so they have a number of nights out while they stay with us. This is usually fine, but when they decide to see their favorite bands’ multiple east coast tour stops, we feel like our apartment is a convenient, free Airbnb for them. It seems like seeing their grandchildren is not their actual priority. They also don’t really play with the kids; they just like to observe them. My son is about to turn 5 and he’s now questioning why Grandma and Grandpa “only like to look at him.” We had a second child last summer and they similarly like to watch her play. They offer to babysit, but I think it’s mostly so they can say they offered—when we’ve tried to take them up on it, they say they can’t do it.
Their next visit is coming up. I thought they were coming for my son’s birthday, but we just found out they plan to leave early in the morning on his birthday, before any of us are awake. My son knows they’re coming but doesn’t know their departure plans yet, and l know he’ll be upset that they won’t actually be here to celebrate with him. We’re both struggling with how to tell our son his grandparents are sneaking away at dawn on his birthday in a way that doesn’t vilify them. We’re pretty annoyed with their travel plans and have voiced our displeasure to no avail.
—Annoyed DIL
Dear Annoyed,
I’m glad that you and your husband have already told his parents that you think they’re being thoughtless and disappointing their grandchild. I want to emphasize that you do have the power to put a stop to their frequent stays—your house is not an Airbnb, however they treat it, and you do not actually have to let them stay with you every time.
For all the complaining some people do when their hopes of having grandchildren are dashed, there seem to be plenty of people who just don’t seem terribly interested in the role of grandparent. But there are also people who just aren’t very good at it, sometimes because it’s been a long time since they spent much time with young children. I’m not trying to defend your in-laws, because they do seem to be freely using your house as their free vacation lodging, but if their grandparent failings are compounded by their awkwardness with your son, you (or better yet, your husband) can try to facilitate more interaction next time they come to see you. When my kids were small and spent 90 percent of their day reading, playing games, building towers, serving pretend meals, etc. on the living room floor, our relatives learned they probably needed to be on the kids’ level if they wanted to interact with them. You can be ready to point out your kids’ favorite games and books and crafts etc. to ease everyone into playtime. Yes, this is kind of annoying, but if you do it and it still doesn’t work, at least you’ll know you tried everything you could. Ultimately, it’s up to your in-laws to build a relationship with their grandson; you are not and can’t be responsible for it in the long run.
As for what to tell your son about this upcoming visit, I don’t see any benefit to sharing your irritation with him or using language like “sneaking away at dawn.” All you need to say is that Grandma and Grandpa have to go home on his birthday. See if your in-laws can celebrate with him in some way a day or two before, maybe with some pre-birthday cake or ice cream. I hope they at least know enough to bring a gift for him to open.
—Nicole
More Parenting Advice From Slate
When I was pregnant with our first child, I cried my eyes out constantly when my husband and I found out we were having a girl. I confessed to my husband that I was worried she would hate me like I hate my mother. Let me clarify: I love my mother, but she and I are different in ways that keep us apart and similar in ways that drive us crazy. I know this is true for most mother-daughter relationships.
