My husband won’t cook, and it’s making a hard time in my life impossible

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband’s sister is going through a difficult time: She made some choices that led to her losing her job and may also potentially end her marriage. For now, she and her two middle-school-age kids are staying with my husband’s parents, about an hour away from us. My father-in-law and mother-in-law privately reached out to us to ask if we could take the kids on Saturdays. My in-laws are aging, the kids are emotionally struggling, and the combination is really hard.

We have a new baby, and I was not thrilled about the prospect of trying to fit two middle schoolers into the grind of baby care, chores, and no sleep. Money and time are already tight. Plus, I’m still in physical therapy from birth issues. But I agreed to take the kids on Saturdays, with one caveat: That my husband would do most of the active care for them. He agreed, and to his credit, he has been planning activities for the kids. He also isn’t afraid to lay down rules and say no to them.

But the one thing my husband won’t do is food. He’s always avoided doing the shopping and cooking in our house: If there’s no dinner, he’d rather have crackers than shop. One of the kids has very specific dietary needs, something no one told us until my mother-in-law was literally dropping them off. I’m already struggling to feed myself (I’m ravenous all the time from breastfeeding and struggling to keep my weight up). I cannot be planning and budgeting for other people’s brand-name-only specific foods from a store 45 minutes away!

I told my husband I couldn’t do it, and we had a massive fight. I don’t want the child to go hungry, but I cannot do one more thing.

—Last Straw

Dear Last Straw, 

Don’t do it! Your husband is taking care of these kids and he should be able to feed them. If there are times where you can prepare a meal for everyone that meets your nibling’s dietary needs, then great; you can also try to have a snack on hand for them if you can squeeze that into your normal grocery shopping.

But this is not your responsibility. If your husband can’t feed these children, then they can’t come to the house. I could see if your husband’s work schedule prevented him from getting food, but his excuse is simply not wanting to do it? He’s weaponizing his incompetence. I hate that this may mean your nibling will have a few light meals until you husband either gets it together to cook something more substantial or gets out of the babysitting arrangement. But if you step in now, he’ll never get his act together.

Let your husband know that it is unconscionable that he refuses to provide food for his niblings, especially considering that you are dealing with postpartum issues. Be clear that you won’t be taking on this responsibility and stick to it. If he continues to let the kids come over without adequately caring for them, talk to your in-laws about what’s going on. Your sister-in-law may simply have to make other arrangements. Also, if this is a recurrent issue you’re having with regards to your husband helping around the house, it may be time for couple’s counseling.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My mother-in-law, “Lola” has had a hoarding problem for the last 15 years, since my husband was in high school (his father divorced her over it).  Since the pandemic, it has escalated, and her home is so filled that she literally has piles of stuff that nearly reach the ceiling and “passageways” that she has created so she can move around.

Two years ago, we had our son, “Scott,” and Lola has been pressing us to bring him over for visits.  I will not allow this.  Her home is not safe for a toddler, let alone her.  My husband seems to think we can just “keep an eye on him.”  I have told Lola that if she gets her home cleaned up to where it is safe for a child, I would be willing, but she has refused, saying, “I don’t tell you what to do in your home.”  This is becoming an issue between my husband and me.  I’m in the right here, aren’t I?

—No Visiting Grandma’s Garbage Dump

Dear No Visiting, 

You’re absolutely right. Keep your little one out of Grandma’s house until she makes some major changes. If you’re up to it, you may offer to join in and organize, but if her problem is as bad as it sounds, she probably won’t take your help. Let your husband know that this is not a personal gripe with his mother, but that her place is simply unsafe. Tell him that she needs professional help and offer to brainstorm ideas for how you can make that happening. Hoarding is a serious issue, and it’s not going to go away just because she’s denied a visit from her grandchild. You shouldn’t compromise your child’s safety to please her, nor your husband. Keep your foot firmly planted down.

—Jamilah

More Parenting Advice From Slate

I am having a difficult time relating to my new daughter-in-law regarding both our relationship and my new one with my new granddaughter. When the baby was born, I was asked to limit visits to once a week. (We live about 4 miles apart.) This worked fine, and I certainly understand all the exhaustion that comes with a new baby. But a few months after the baby was born, I was right next to their apartment for a medical appointment and texted to ask if I could stop by for a cup of tea and bring pastries. I also voiced that I did not understand the need for complete rigidity, especially after months had gone by. Well, I got a big no …