My husband thinks our daughter is completely untalented. And he isn’t shy about showing it.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have an 8-year-old daughter, “Amanda.” Amanda loves to sing, but if I’m honest, her voice is awful. I’ve learned to tolerate it. But my husband tells her to stop every time she sings in his presence, and it hurts her feelings. In response to my telling him as much, he says her singing is like fingernails on a chalkboard, so he shouldn’t be expected to “endure” it. When I suggested we get her some singing lessons, he said he didn’t want to “waste money on a lost cause.” Should I sign her up anyway?

—Vocally Challenged

Dear Challenged,

Two notes, right off the bat: 8 is too young for singing lessons (her vocal muscles are still growing!), and Amanda is not a “lost cause.”

Lots of children who “can’t sing” at 8—or 10, or 12—turn out to be very good singers after their vocal cords and larynx (or voice box) have grown. I hope this turns out to be true for Amanda, since she so enjoys singing. But even if it doesn’t, there are ways for her not only to be encouraged in her love of singing but also to learn to get better at it. (Shame on your husband for discouraging her! He most certainly should be expected to “endure” the sound of his own daughter’s voice.) No one is a lost cause when it comes to music.

Find a choir for Amanda to join. Google “children’s choir” and the name of your town—I’ll bet you’ll find something. A good choir director is worth their weight in gold in terms of music education (and I happen to firmly believe that music should be part of every child’s education). When Amanda is older—about 12 or 13—and has some experience singing with a choir, if she asks for voice lessons, then you can enroll her.

In the meantime, help her find opportunities to sing, and chances for her to learn to sing on key and how to achieve breath support for singing. (Even kids who “can” sing benefit from this!) And please don’t discourage her from singing at home. I’d hope her cranky father can come around to my way of thinking, but if he can’t or won’t, he can leave the room in which she’s belting out “Let it Go.” But please, please, not with his hands over his ears as he mutters that he’s being driven mad. Discreetly.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My parents divorced when I was 13. Within a year, my dad married my stepmom, who had a son who was 2 at the time, and a little over a year later, they had my half-sister, “Anna.” Anna’s birthday was two weeks ago, and I bought her a Nintendo Switch 2 (I discussed it with my dad and stepmom ahead of time, and they agreed to it).

The problem is that Anna’s half-brother, “Jacob,” has more or less appropriated it for himself, and Anna has called me up saying she has been able to use it all of three times since I gave it to her.

Jacob has literally taken it for himself—as in it’s in his room and Anna can’t access it. My dad and stepmom seem to think this is perfectly acceptable and have made no effort to make Jacob return it to Anna. I wouldn’t have a problem if Anna were sharing it with Jacob, but I didn’t buy the gaming system for it to be given over to him. I am ready to ask my dad and stepmom to either make him return it to Anna or reimburse me for the cost of it so I can buy her a new one. Thoughts?

—Confiscated Console

Dear Confiscated,

If I were you, and I had the money (and that’s a big if! I myself was recently shocked to learn the sticker price of one of these consoles), I’d just go ahead and buy Anna a new one. And I’d give it to her without explanation. (I’m sure everyone will get the message.) Of course, if your dad and stepmom have any sense of fairness—and they can afford it—they’ll step up and reimburse you for the one that ended up as Jacob’s. But I wouldn’t count on that, given how you say they reacted to Jacob taking possession of Anna’s gift in the first place. (Perhaps they have their reasons for being chill about this? Perhaps these are reasons they’d rather not discuss with you?)

If they can’t afford it—and you can—I’d let this go and learn from the experience (i.e., from this point on, if you want to give your sister a big, expensive gift that is for her use only, I would make sure it’s something that couldn’t possibly be used by, or of use to, her brother). But even if they can afford it, but don’t offer to reimburse you, I’d let it go. Of course they should tell their son to return your gift to his sister! But asking them to do so is another matter. Family estrangements have occurred over far less. I’d hate for you and your dad to join those ranks.

Now, if buying your little sister a Switch was the sort of once-in-a-lifetime expense that would be absurd to repeat—i.e., you can’t afford to buy another one—I suggest that you first gingerly approach your dad and stepmom (because it doesn’t sound like you’ve talked to them about it at all yet; all your information appears to have come from your sister), let them know that you know that Jacob has put Anna’s gift in his room and doesn’t let her use it, and ask them to help you come up with a solution to this problem. Perhaps they will offer on their own to buy a second console—or perhaps they’ll get defensive. (You’ll never know unless you bring it up with them directly.)  If this doesn’t get you anywhere, the next step would be to talk to the children, together. I wouldn’t scold Jacob or demand an explanation for his behavior. I would only remind him that the Switch was Anna’s birthday gift, that it was no small feat for you to pay for it, and that if he wants to use it sometimes he can negotiate that with his sister. But it belongs to her, not him (and the first order of business is to move it back into her room).

(You can see why I hope you can afford to buy a second one.)

By the way: If you want to try to make sense of this whole peculiar situation—for your own peace of mind, and for the future—it may be worth giving some thought to what you know and don’t know about Jacob, his parents’ relationship with him, and the possible differences between that relationship and the one they have with their daughter. It’s probably worth giving some thought to your relationship with your dad and stepmom, too. And to your relationship with their son. (Do you, by any chance, treat him drastically differently from the way you treat their daughter? Your careful employment of the “half-” with every invocation of “brother” and “sister” gives me pause, I’ll confess.)

As far as the aforementioned gifts go, I can think of plenty of things that would not be “appropriated” by Jacob because they wouldn’t fit him (a ring, say, or a cool pair of sneakers). Or, better yet, forget about things altogether and go for experiences, which to my mind are always the nicest gifts anyway: the pleasures of a concert, a play, or just a fancy dinner out are remembered longer than any objects are.

And if you would like to think of yourself as a kind, generous, and loving person, please don’t ignore Jacob when it comes to his birthday. (You haven’t said you have, so forgive me for suggesting this if you’ve already made efforts toward your dad’s stepson. He is part of your family, too.)

—Michelle

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