My husband pushed us to live closer to his family. Now he’s complaining about the one thing I ask for in return.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Care and Feeding readers, I’m Arionne—your new columnist. I’m mom to an 18-year-old son, Jackson, who may be non-speaking but, like many teens, never fails to let me know exactly what’s on his mind. I’m also a college professor, teaching digital journalism at Florida A&M University, where my “babies” know they can come to my office for a joke, advice, a good cry, or just some candy for an afternoon sugar rush. And I’m a big believer in community: I’m an auntie and honorary auntie to many. (Hearing a bunch of little people call me “Auntie Ari” is the best feeling in the world!) So, now that you know at least a little bit about me, let’s get into the good stuff.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have three young kids (6, 4, and 2 years old). We live about a 14-hour drive from my family, and a one-hour drive from his. We see his parents about twice a month, and mine once or twice a year. Obviously, traveling to see my parents is much harder than visiting his.

Last summer, we didn’t take our usual week-long trip to see my family, and instead, they planned a trip to a theme park (a six-hour drive from us), and we met them there for a three-day weekend. I was going to fly there myself with the kids, but my husband offered to rearrange his schedule so he could drive us there. I tried to make sure he had a nice trip by not asking him to come to the park with us. Instead, I let him visit the many friends he has in the area (his request).

I thought the trip went well, but a week after we got home, he blew up at me about how much work it was to drive us there and how I hadn’t thanked him enough for doing it. I was blindsided. We never made an explicit agreement, but I thought it was more or less understood that we would see my family about once a year. The theme park trip was relatively short (both in distance and time). We see his family all the time, and the reason we don’t get to see my family as often because he pushed to live near his family instead. I know it is a lot of work to travel with kids, but I think he should do it once a year without too many complaints.

What is a reasonable way to move forward? I know I should have already communicated more clearly about my expectations, but I have a hard time negotiating about this in a tit-for-tat way like, “We spent five days with my family so we get to spend five days with yours” or “We drove one hour to see your family 14 times, so we can drive 14 hours to see mine once.” I thought a yearly trip was reasonable, and I am worried that if we over-specify the number of trips, it will limit flexibility when needed. For example, my dad has a terminal illness, so I would like to go two to three times this year instead of just once. And I don’t want to punish my kids by limiting the amount that they see either set of grandparents because of some arbitrary agreement—it is most important to me that my kids have a good relationship with all their grandparents. Is there a standard amount that families travel in these cases? Are there best practices for dividing it up fairly? How can I approach my husband about this in a neutral way?

—Traveling With Tots

Dear Traveling With Tots,

Dare I say, most parents can feel your pain. Traveling with tiny humans is hard—especially three! And, for many of us, having kids makes us want to be near our parents even more. There is a special kind of relaxation that I get when I visit my parents, and my son is happily being spoiled and someone else is changing diapers and feeding him.

It’s not fair that your husband blew up at you. It’s worth discussing this instance first, before diving into future trips. Maybe he was frustrated because he felt the trip was at an inconvenient time. It could’ve been that the timing was off, not the distance. Or maybe he was just tired and cranky. Sometimes, people offer to do things for others, and then, they regret it. His reaction this time doesn’t necessarily guarantee issues with future visits. You just have to talk about it and see.

Either way, it’s true that you both could use some clearer discussion about travel expectations. Especially with little kids, it’s helpful to have your husband by your side, and it could feel really tough to travel without him. I would approach family travel seasonally. Even if both sets of parents were close, you and your husband would need to discuss where and with whom you’d spend holidays, parts of summer vacations, spring breaks, and other times of the year that might be reserved for family. It’s just logistically more complicated the further a family is located. Deciding what your seasons will look like (for example, spending Thanksgiving with his parents, and then heading to yours for Christmas through New Year’s) doesn’t lock you into a set schedule for the year and allows you to plan more frequent visits, which is especially important with a sick parent. Don’t feel bad or shy about expressing your desire to see your parents. I imagine there’s also some fear around your dad’s illness, and I would clearly share that, too.

So, depending on how much planning time you feel your family may need, choose a time to pull out a calendar. Really look at what’s feasible for your family. The good news is that you’re thinking about this compromise now. This will only become more important as your kids get older. Once they go to big kid school, time out of the classroom and away from sports and other activities becomes even more precious. (Right now, most of my friends are spending Saturdays at gymnastics competitions, soccer games, or one of the other million activity options their kids are currently involved in.)

Another option, though, is to think about potential backup travel partners if your husband really can’t go with you on one of your trips. It’s not ideal, I know. But it might be worth asking a friend who wouldn’t mind. I know I would travel with my best friend and her babies in a heartbeat. If you don’t have any friends close by, could you fly one in to travel with you? Could you invest in a babysitter to come along? Of course, these are expensive alternatives. Maybe you set up an emergency fund and/or backup plan just in case. It would be ideal if your husband went with you on every trip, but at the end of the day, if you really want or need to get home, remember that even if a trip feels impossible, that doesn’t mean it is.

Last year, my son and I moved from Chicago to Florida because I wanted to work at my alma mater. But I love home! I love my family and my community there, and I like to visit whenever I’m really missing it. I’m a single mom, and because of my son’s disability, he doesn’t handle planes and airports well. So, we just drive the 15 hours alone. It used to feel scary. But now, it’s relaxing. I know I can stop as many times as I need to, and when I get on the road, I just try to keep a positive attitude. It’s been freeing to let go of all of the fear that I previously had when I thought I wouldn’t be able to travel without help. Our situations may not be the same, but I’ll leave you with some advice: When you really want to go home, do whatever you need to do to get there.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have two daughters, ages 8 and 10, who spend time at my parents’ places (my parents are no longer together). Grandpa is consistent with rules and behavior expectations at his house, and the girls have no problem adhering to the guidelines. Grandma, on the other hand, fancies herself the “fun grandparent” and often has a difficult time even establishing (let alone following through on) rules around bedtimes, screen time, etc. This is very reminiscent of my childhood, when I basically had to parent myself (and my mom, at times).

It came to a head recently when my daughters played a prank on Grandma by messing with some of her pantry items. Kitchen chaos ensued, and my mom sent me a long email about the need for them to repay her. I’m 100 percent on board with this, and will talk to them about this behavior and ask them to make it right.

However, this has brought some things up for me. I’ve been walking the tightrope of her inconsistent needs for my whole life. Now I’m worried that her relationship with my kids will suffer as they get older and continue to push up against limits that either don’t exist or exist in a fickle way. My question is this: What’s my responsibility in encouraging my mom to establish guidelines and expectations for behavior at her house? And what do I do if she can’t?

—Sandwich Daughter

Dear Sandwich Daughter,

You’re dealing with two relationships you want to improve—how your mother has mothered you and her relationship with your daughters as a grandma. This is already tough work, but it’s even harder to do at the same time, mainly because it’s so easy for the two to bleed together. So let’s try to separate them a bit.

It’s extremely common for grandparents, like your mom, to not have strict, established rules at their home for their grandchildren. Sometimes, like in the case of your father, there may be some boundaries, but as many parents often joke: These people who raised us are not the same ones who are around our kids.

My mother has absolutely no boundaries for my son. I’ve learned that he knows the difference between what he can get away with at Grandma’s and what he can’t. My own grandma was very strict with everyone in her world but me! This feels a bit like the circle of life coming back around to haunt me.

Nevertheless, you can tell your daughters what you expect from them at your mother’s house. They are young, but not so young that they can’t learn that some lines should not be crossed—like messing with a grandma’s precious pantry! Explain to them that just because Grandma’s house is fun, it doesn’t mean that they should do things they wouldn’t do at home, like make a mess in the kitchen. Tell them about how much that upset their grandma, who they seem to care very much about. Kids will be kids, and these things will happen. Let this be a learning experience.

Your relationship with your mother is a different issue. It’s easy to hold onto all the feelings we have about how our mothers raised us long into our adulthood. But her relationship with you is not the same as the one she has with your kids because she’s not their primary caregiver. They aren’t reliant on her in that way, so any inconsistencies won’t impact them to the same degree as they seem to have affected you.

I’ve learned as an adult that it’s never too late to improve your relationship with your mother if it’s something you value. I always recommend therapy and a good book. I got both! My therapist recommended I read Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance by Kelly McDaniel. It dives into ways that you may be craving something from your mother that you didn’t receive. (In this case, maybe consistency and guidance?) I love my mother to the ends of the earth. She raised me the best way she could: with love and stability. I just needed to reconcile with the differences in our views—and maybe even the similarities—that have made us clash throughout my life. And therapy has been key to doing that work.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have a 7-year-old son, “Sam,” and a 10-year-old daughter, “Nelly.”  A couple of months back, we got Sam a guinea pig for his birthday. Unfortunately, Nelly proved to be highly allergic to the shavings used in the guinea pig’s cage. We tried everything out there, and even invested in air purifiers, but ultimately had to re-home the guinea pig. Simon has been extremely upset with us and his sister, even though we have explained to him that allergies are not something people have any control over. How can we help him understand that this was not anyone’s fault?

—Guinea Pig Grief

Dear Guinea Pig Grief,

Aw, I feel so bad for “Sam.” The first piece of the puzzle is to continue to reaffirm his feelings. Yes, the re-homing caused a true loss. Yes, the grief he’s feeling is real. Yes, this is a tough time for him. I don’t think he’s actually angry with your daughter, but sometimes, the anger from our grief needs somewhere to go, and she’s the unfortunate target.

The next step is to think about solutions. You might have already looked into this, but figure out what kind of pet you could get that won’t be an allergy issue for Nelly. I would do this research before letting your son know so that he doesn’t get his hopes up too early. Once you have some in mind, I’d explain that although you know it was so very tough to give the guinea pig a new home, you can now look into choosing one of the new pet options to give a loving home. You can make it a really fun process. Put even more effort into picking crates, cages, or habitats. Can some things be personalized? What about choosing items in your son’s favorite colors?

I know pets can never be replaced. But reminding him that his beloved guinea pig is well-loved in his new home and that he can give another animal the same love might ease the sting.

—Arionne

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