How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous.
Dear How to Do It,
I am a 60-year-old man. I’ve met a wonderful woman my age who is smart, funny, attractive, and independent. We get along really well. There’s just one problem: Her body.
She is severely underweight. She mainly eats protein bars and works out for several hours a day. Her arms are extremely thin, and her breastbone protrudes. It’s making intimacy difficult. I can’t seem to get past it. What do you suggest?
—Trying Not to Be Judgmental
Dear Trying Not to Be Judgmental,
First figure out what exactly is making intimacy difficult. Is it sheer aesthetics? Is your fear that this person is living an unhealthy lifestyle distracting you? What is the real issue here? She is a grown woman who is allowed to care for herself and her body however she sees fit. Through observations, you have made certain inferences, but if you haven’t really had conversations with her about her views on what constitutes fitness, you’re just supposing that something is awry. I’m not saying that you’re absolutely wrong, or that your concern has no place, but what could be done practically? Do you think you can enter her life, tell her that she’s doing it all wrong, and that she will submit?
Besides, her arms were extremely thin and her breastbone protruded when you met her. At this early stage in your relationship, is the time for you to determine your attraction level and how viable this connection actually is. Doubts so soon are rarely a good sign. The bare minimum for facilitating a healthy relationship early on is acceptance: You see a person and you think, “This is someone I want in my life.” Seems like you aren’t quite there with this one. If you want to focus on her great personal qualities, maybe you table intimacy for the time being and just get to know her. Maybe at some point, she will convince you that she isn’t leaving a trail of protein bar wrappers to her death. Maybe you’ll only grow more concerned. Whatever attracted her to you in the first place is worth exploring until you find yourself too distracted to do so. Ask yourself whether you’re at that point.
—Rich
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