Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I have a skin condition where my mouth and chin are covered in painful bleeding sores. Recently, I’ve run out of medication to treat it, and for the first time in my two-year relationship, my girlfriend has seen the worst of it. She’s almost outright stopped talking to me since the sores have come back, and physical contact has been literally nonexistent. I know that the sores are uncomfortable to look at, but I can’t stand being walled off from my girlfriend until my medicine arrives. Well, yesterday, she came to me with a frightening ultimatum.
The only way she says she’ll engage with me is if I grow a beard to cover the sores. I’ve tried before, but it only makes them more painful, and it’s easier for them to get infected. I’ve told her this, but she won’t listen, and gives me the cold shoulder any time I’m near her. She’s a wonderful human being, and probably the woman I want to marry, and I can’t stand being apart from her. What should I do—grow a beard and worsen the sores, or not grow a beard and face the fact that she won’t talk to me?
—To Beard of Not to Beard
Dear to Beard,
Wait a minute, how long is it going to be until you get your medication? Longer than it takes to grow a beard? This isn’t just a cosmetic issue—you’re in pain! And I doubt the medication is a controlled substance. Can you ask your doctor for an early refill? Or an emergency supply so this doesn’t happen again? Is there a Facebook or Reddit community made of people with your skin condition, where you could ask if anyone local to you has an extra tube? It just doesn’t seem right that you’re having to suffer through this.
But you didn’t ask for medical advice and that’s not my area of expertise, so let’s move on to your girlfriend: You say she’s a wonderful human being, but how does withholding attention until you do something that will cause pain and infection fit into that? I think it disqualifies her from “wonderful” status. And I can’t say enough that it’s really, really important that the person you marry cares about your feelings and wants the best for you, or can at least be kind to you when the best thing for you and the best thing for her are in conflict.
I understand that you’re not going to break up with her just because I said that. I know. But I just ask that you refuse to grow the beard, observe her reaction, and pay close attention to whether this is a person who treats you in the way you want to be treated for the rest of your life. Yes, you’re extremely attached to her and find it hard to be away from her, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I want you to think about the quality of the time you have with her and how it makes you feel, especially when one or both of you has something difficult to deal with. Metaphorically speaking, life has a lot of painful open sores. When they inevitably flare up, do you want to be married to someone who makes the situation more agonizing, or someone who helps you heal?
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Dear Prudence,
My husband’s aunt passed away last week, and I am wondering if it would be appropriate to bring our 16-month-old son to the funeral, as he tends not to do well with sitters. In general, he is not prone to crying fits, but he is a baby, so there isn’t a non-zero chance. Thoughts?
—Roll the Dice on Keeping Quiet
Dear Keeping Quiet,
A funeral is a perfect time to reflect on the entire cycle of life and how precious each part of it is, including the part that includes a lot of screaming. Bring your son. His presence will bring joy to everyone as you mingle before and after the main event. I’m guessing this might be an opportunity for him to meet a lot of relatives. Sadly, weddings and funerals are often the only times these introductions occur. At the end of the day, it’s the togetherness, not the official funeral program that is important. If you have to step out during the service (which you should plan to do if he gets loud), so be it.
Dear Prudence,
My partner lost his wife five years ago. They have a 25-year-old son and a 20-year-old daughter, “Hannah.”
Hannah disproves of her dad dating anyone, but especially me. I am very much the opposite of her mom: White, career-oriented, and non-religious. I have tried by best to build a bridge here, but Hannah can barely contain her disdain for me. I can’t even have a civil conversation about the weather without Hannah having to get her jabs in. If her father defends me and tells Hannah to cut it out, she will have a meltdown and cause a scene. We actually were asked to leave a restaurant because of her behavior.
Hannah refuses to go to therapy. She currently isn’t talking to either her father or brother. My partner and I have talked about getting more serious and moving in together, but I could never live with someone as hostile as Hannah is. Is there any hope here?
—Home and Hannah
Dear Home,
Not much! So I’m happy you’re thinking about all this before moving in together. It sounds like Hannah has some pretty serious issues, separate from her relationship with you. And there’s absolutely no plan to address them. Tell your partner you want to put the brakes on and pause any conversations about cohabitation until your presence doesn’t trigger a tantrum. It’s really important that you look at things clearly in this moment, when disentangling your life doesn’t involve major financial or real estate decisions. Hannah is always going to be your partner’s daughter. He’s always going to love her—and perhaps even give her some extra leeway because of the devastating loss of her mom. Combine that with the fact that it is nearly impossible to force an adult into therapy, and I can see a future in which an angry woman lives under your roof and makes your life miserable, you have absolutely no power to address it, and your end up resenting your partner over a dynamic that’s just as hard on him as it is on you.
Don’t let that happen! Stay in your home. Go on dates. And decide what you’d need to see from Hannah to start thinking about moving in again. My suggestion: Six months straight of civil behavior and an unprompted apology for how she treated you in the past.
Catch up on this week’s Prudie.
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