Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday only for Slate Plus members.
Hey Prudence,
Re Unheard: I, too, was having trouble hearing the television, and lately, my grandson. My daughter wasn’t harsh about it; she encouraged me to get my hearing tested and, if needed, a hearing aid. I dragged my feet for a while but eventually requested a test—which, with my insurance plan, took over a year to schedule. When I did eventually get the test, I found out what was really happening to me.
I learned that a build-up of earwax (don’t use Q-tips!) had immobilized one of my eardrums completely. After the somewhat uncomfortable removal, the test was rerun. I do have some hearing loss, which isn’t unusual at 72, but the audiologist feels I’m years away from needing hearing aids.
—Also Had Hearing Problems
Wow, what an easy fix! I’m a Q-tip fanatic, so if I ever start to lose my hearing, this is the first thing I’ll think of now.
Hey Prudence,
Re Unheard: Hearing loss is really frustrating—for the person experiencing it, and for those forced to shout just to be heard by someone unwilling to acknowledge the problem. My boss was hard of hearing at 69 when I first met him. My boss was already hard of hearing at 69 when I met him. Because we had a good relationship, I felt comfortable pointing out that when his back was turned he couldn’t hear me, or that he was reading my lips, not looking at me. Over time, it got so bad I had to stop sharing confidential information with him verbally—it wasn’t very confidential if I had to shout loud enough for the whole store to hear. He never admitted to having a hearing problem, let alone considered hearing aids. The only upside was that he stopped complaining about the music we played in the store.
I think the brother is trying to make a point, and I can understand why. It’s not kind, but he’s trying to show his mother just how bad her hearing has gotten, hoping she’ll at least agree to a test and a trial with hearing aids. I do think the daughter should help with communication when it comes to the grandchild, but not necessarily with every nonessential conversation. The key is to point out, gently but consistently, how much the person is missing—even with someone relaying what’s being said. Just not to the point where they feel attacked.
It took my father 20 years before he finally got hearing aids. The adjustment was difficult, especially in noisy public places, but when I visited him recently, at age 88, he went and put them on voluntarily so he could hear me. Subtle persistence, occasional frustration, and a doctor’s encouragement can make a difference.
My boss, however, 15 years later still hasn’t done anything about his hearing. Sometimes nothing works, but giving up trying to help someone improve their quality of life when it’s a real possibility shouldn’t be an option.
—Robin
I hear (no pun intended) what you’re saying, but there’s one part I’ll quibble with. I actually do think it should be an option to give up on trying to help someone improve their quality of life, when they’ve made it clear that they don’t want the help. At some point, the “not nice” things that are done to push for improvement take their own toll— perhaps even more than the original problem.
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Hey Prudence,
Re Unheard: I’m so sorry your mother is dealing with hearing loss. While I definitely don’t agree with your brother’s approach—he’s being a jerk—he does have a point. Your mom really needs to get her hearing loss under control. Repeating everything someone says to her is not a reasonable solution for anyone involved. Her hearing will never improve and will get worse as time goes on. Hearing loss can lead to social isolation, brain atrophy, and dementia. It can be frustrating for relatives and a potential safety hazard. She needs to find a solution that meets her needs.
There are plenty of options at tons of price ranges. I’ve lived with my 92-year-old granny for the last 18 years, she’s had severe hearing loss for the past four. We’ve tried everything. Hearing aids from a club store (good price, not easy to use—we returned them); hearing aids from a hearing aid store (extremely expensive but worked, unobtrusive, batteries require frequent changes), AirPods (self-administered test, best fit and comfort, relatively inexpensive), and SuperEar (simple sound amplifier, over-ear headphones, super easy to use, least expensive option, great for conversations and watching television). I’m not trying to shill for anything except making sure your mom gets the care she needs to avoid more severe hearing loss. It’s going to take a bit for her to get used to it, but I promise she’ll be glad she can hear and converse normally.
Good luck!
—Caregiver in Texas
Thank you for doing all the research! I hope she’ll consider one of these options.
Hey Prudence,
Re No Winning with Wine: You brought up some extremely good points that I think many people in the letter writer’s position either don’t know or care about in the interest of their own desire to indulge in alcohol. As someone who experienced an emotionally abusive relationship at the hands of an alcoholic, I was left with trauma triggered by the specific smell of alcohol on a person’s breath.
When I met my husband, he wasn’t a drinker, but he developed a taste. While he isn’t an alcoholic, he couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t join him for a drink in the beginning, even though I explained that smelling alcohol on his breath caused me to have flashbacks—and that unfortunately, he adopts several mannerisms similar to my ex when he’s drunk. (Not the abusive ones, just a general vibe as his personality shifts.)
Therapy and exposure—never something to impose on a partner, especially if they’ve explicitly expressed discomfort—helped me reach a place where the smell no longer triggers me. Even so, while I can now enjoy drinking for the taste and never more than mildly tipsy, my husband still claims he has no idea where the tipping point lies between buzzed and drunk, when those personality quirks surface. He refuses to learn or adapt, even though it always ends with him drunkenly obsessing over why I’ve gone quiet—because I’ve shut down to manage my discomfort. He doesn’t understand why it bothers me, despite repeated attempts to explain while he’s sober, nor does he feel he should have to stop.
I dearly hope the letter writer takes your words to heart. My husband, in every other respect, is an amazing man—and maybe the letter writer is, too—but alcohol isn’t a necessity to live, nor is it required to relax or have fun. If he speaks to his wife and she isn’t open to therapy—or even if she is, but remains firm—I hope he’s rational enough not to choose the bottle over someone who loves him.
—RG
I hope so too. And I’m really sorry your husband hasn’t been willing to accommodate you, and that you still have to deal with uncomfortable moments when he drinks. If alcohol is supposed to inspire good feelings, and he ends up upset about why you’re quiet every time he gets drunk, he should really reevaluate the role alcohol is playing in his life. But I’m sure you’ve already told him that.
Hey Prudence,
I think your answer to Common Areas Are for Everyone was way off-base. The rule is simple: Unless the elevator is full, when the door opens, anyone is entitled to get on. If this is a pet-friendly building, that includes pets. Your advice should have been to get on the elevator if there’s room—full stop. If anyone is physically barring you from doing it, report this to the management.
—Mike
I don’t know, Mike! I think there’s often a difference between what you’re entitled to do and what’s actually a good choice for your life. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be the person shoving my way onto an elevator with a neighbor cowering in fear or yelling at me, nor would I want to spend the ride breaking up a dog fight. But to each his own.
Hey Prudence,
Re Common Areas Are for Everyone: Prudie is right as far as she goes. But you SHOULD contact your building management about that pesky unreliable second elevator! There may even be some code or something in your lease about providing a certain number of operable lifts.
—Pup Lover
Great point!
Hey Prudence,
Re Paranoid: This LW is lucky! Sneaking around to find ways to have sex? It’s like being a teenager again!
—Peggy
Funny! I’m hoping she can embrace this reframing of the situation.
Classic Prudie
I have an emotionally unstable 30-year-old friend, who has been in therapy for over a year but dismisses most of the therapist’s advice. This friend, “Sarah,” is a staff member at a university research center and is having an affair with one of the students. She is one of his supervisors and has influence over his grades. Their relationship is against university policy, and it is causing problems with other students who suspect something is going on between them.
