Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I have a daughter, “Emmy,” who is 10. She is very much into science, and there is a week-long science camp that will be held in late August in a seaside town about 100 miles from where we live. One of my adult nieces will be helping to run it, and she said that if Emmy would like to come, she would be willing to let her stay in her cabin and could have the fee waived. I thought it was a great idea, but my wife said “absolutely not.”
Her reason? Emmy has cerebral palsy and my wife is afraid it will be too much for her. Emmy’s CP is not severe and she leads a fairly active life; she wears foot and ankle braces and they haven’t slowed her down. I think this is a wonderful opportunity for our daughter both for the learning experience and as a chance to start doing things independently. She is very upset with her mother and says she’s “tired of being treated like I’m helpless.” What can I do to convince my wife that this would be a positive thing for Emmy?
—She Can Handle It
Dear She Can Handle It,
As parents of disabled and medically complex kids, we should always do our best to support the goals our children have for themselves, and assume competence whenever possible. Emmy has lived with her CP her entire life; she probably understands her own strengths and needs better than anyone. What she wants is important and should be taken into consideration, and she wants to go to camp. I agree with you both that the camp could be a wonderful opportunity for her.
I don’t think your wife should just unilaterally shut down the possibility of Emmy going to camp without so much as a real conversation about the pros and cons. But I can sort of understand her worry, as the parent of a disabled child who has spent years trying (and often failing) to find genuinely accessible camps that provide the accommodations my child needed in order to attend. For me, it always involved some communication with the camp director, to find out what sort of support they could provide to kids like mine. It didn’t always work out, but I was very happy to send her when it did.
From your letter, I’m gathering that Emmy might not need much at all to make the camp fully accessible to her. But it might help your wife feel better about your daughter’s experience there if you both could talk with the camp director or other staff about any concerns. Right now, you’re working with no real information about the camp or its accessibility beyond your niece’s kind offer. Give camp leadership a chance to actually tell you what sort of accommodations or support might be available should Emmy need it, and go from there.
You mentioned that Emmy is already chafing at being treated as though she isn’t as capable as other kids, or entitled to the same experiences. I think that is really something your wife needs to recognize and pay attention to. I hope the two of you are able to discuss it in a way that doesn’t make her overly defensive, but rather focused, as I’m sure she wants to be, on what is best for Emmy. Whether she goes to this camp or not, your daughter sounds like a smart, capable, driven kid who is eager to experience all she can. It’s great that she has that confidence in herself, as she should! As parents, you should do everything you can to help her pursue the things that matter to her and show her that you believe in her. She has a right to want and expect that from the people who love her most.
—Nicole
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