Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I recently had our first child, a daughter, “Annabelle.” I grew up with three sisters, and my father has been eager for a grandson, as my two sisters with kids both have daughters as well. Now that Annabelle turned out to be a girl, he is very disappointed. The day my parents came to meet the baby, he even asked me when I was going to “try again”! My mother just tells me to ignore him and he’ll “get over it.” I am extremely hurt by his behavior and am considering not bothering with him anymore if he places so little value on his grandchildren simply because in his mind they are the “wrong” gender. My husband is fine with this, as he’s never much cared for my father anyway. Do I have the right idea?
—Get Out of the 1950s!
Dear Get Out,
I honestly don’t understand how your father could have any reaction other than gratitude when presented with another grandchild. In THIS economy!! It’s not like you’re entitled to a grandkid at all, Gramps, let alone many of your preferred gender.
I get why you’re so hurt by your father’s remarks. I also understand why they might be a dealbreaker for you, particularly if you’ve already experienced a lifetime of other sexist comments (and frankly, it’s hard for me to imagine that you haven’t, if the man is going to complain about having another granddaughter). You have every right to be angry, and whatever you decide to do over the long term, I think it makes sense to take whatever time and space you need—I wouldn’t be eager to invite your dad over right now, either.
Your father really should be able to recognize the fact that you becoming a parent is actually not about him or his weird obsession with having grandsons. Again, if this is part of a self-absorbed, misogynistic pattern for him and you’re just done, I get it. If you want to try to salvage some kind of relationship—or even if you don’t!—there’s a lot of ground in between your mom’s regrettably passive advice to “just ignore him” and cutting him off. Whatever you decide, I think he should at least be told how much he’s hurt you, and how hurt Annabelle would be if she ever found out that he was disappointed at her birth. (Should a person his age have to be told that his words have actual consequences? Of course not, but here we are.)
If you do choose to give your father another chance, be very clear about the stakes. He needs to understand that you won’t ever tolerate him making similar remarks to Annabelle. You can also tell him that you expect and deserve an apology.
—Nicole
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