Jon Stewart attempted to restrain himself as he recounted how Democrats caved on the government shutdown this week, but ultimately the host was not successful.
“By the way, tonight’s show will be brought to you by: I can’t fucking believe it,” he said, almost immediately. “I can’t fucking believe it: For when the ‘I can’t believe it’ Edvard Munch scream emoji doesn’t quite convey how much you cannot fucking believe it.”
He continued, “They fucking caved on the shutdown, not even a full week removed from the best election night results they’ve had in years. Seven Democratic senators and an independent voted with their Republican counterparts to end the shutdown and reopen the government.”
In disbelief, Stewart noted, “You had the wind at your back, election victories all over the country, the new Sydney Sweeney movie — box office bupkis. Apparently, her new MAGA fanbase didn’t show up in droves to see a biopic about a lesbian professional boxer who overcomes domestic violence to live her truth. Who could have seen that coming? Democrats, you sold out the entire shutdown not to get what you wanted but for a promise to not get what you wanted later.”
The Daily Show host then pulled out a copy of The Art of War. “Sun Tzu said, ‘Never press your advantage, it’s unseemly,’” he read. “‘Fighting’s hard, how about a snack?’”
After playing clips from Schoolhouse Rock‘s “I’m Just a Bill,” Stewart explained why it doesn’t make sense of Democrats to accept the promise of a vote in the Senate about the Affordable Care Act. “Surely, someone in the party understands that offering a vote in the Senate without a commitment that it would pass or that the House would even take it up is an empty offer,” he said.
That is, in fact, exactly what Tim Kaine said not that long ago. Stewart singled out several senators, including Kaine and Jeanne Shaheen, for initially supporting the shutdown and then caving. “Look, either all eight senators who voted to capitulate coincidentally are not up for reelection in 2026, or Chuck Schumer worked behind the scenes to give into the Republicans while still protecting ‘vulnerable Democrats,’ including himself,” he quipped.
Stewart then referenced New York Giants’ recent statistically improbable defeat by the Chicago Bears. “This is a world-class collapse by Democrats,” he said. “It would be like being up 10 points with three minutes left to go in a game and still finding a way to miraculously lose it for the fourth time in just one month.”
He added, “How are we being ruled by the only old people who don’t stubbornly cling to shit whether it’s working or not? That’s the whole point of being an old person. What kind of an old person are you? ‘Well, maybe it is time to give up my driver’s license.’”
Earlier this week, the Senate approved a funding package intended to bring the longest government shutdown in U.S. history to an end. The vote passed last night in a 60-40 tally, with seven Democrats and one independent joining Republicans to approve the deal. Several Democrats who voted against the measure have called on Schumer to resign.
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