How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous.
Dear How to Do It,
I am a 47-year-old man, happily married for 20 years. My sex life with my wife used to be great—our goal was to have each of us have an amazing orgasm. In the last few years, however, I’m usually the person who’s left without one.
Recently, because of a combination of diabetes and antidepressants, I started suffering from erectile dysfunction and anorgasmia. This has confused my wife. She wonders if I am still attracted to her, or if there’s something she’s not doing right. She feels bad having orgasms when I do not. When I do climax, it feels like I won the lottery. She tells me she is happy and comforts me.
The problem is, she never initiates sex anymore. Her taking the lead used to get me very excited and ready to roll. She knows I need a lot of foreplay to get things going, but ever since the E.D. and anorgasmia, she doesn’t try things like oral sex anymore. I have told her I need foreplay if she wants to get my engine started, but she thinks because she is naked, that should be enough to get me ready. It’s not that simple. I need to watch porn to get me started these days.
Is it because she is trying to recognize my issue and is more comfortable with me initiating and prepping for sex? Is she losing interest in having sex with me because of my erection/orgasm issues? I don’t want to sound insensitive and ask her that question directly, so I need help navigating ways to tell her I need more foreplay?
—Need Help Crossing the Finish Line
Dear Need Help Crossing the Finish Line,
Maybe instead of asking these uncomfortable questions, you should lead with statements. You seem to have a good grasp on what you need and what your wife isn’t providing, so let her know. You can explain to her that you enjoy your sex life with her and want it to continue. Acknowledge your anorgasmia and tell her that your current condition means you need to work a bit harder than before. Is she game? Remind her that her initiation has had great results, that foreplay and oral help facilitate what you both want so much: your orgasm. Ask her if she’d be OK with watching porn to get going. Frame it all as wanting to stay close and connected to her. This is just what you need to get there.
I don’t think you need to confront her reasons for her change in approach if you feel that this line of questioning won’t lead anywhere positive. If she were to offer this information, it might be illuminating but it’s probably more important to stay focused on the practical. A conversation grounded in positivity and connection, one that looks toward improving what you cherish, may be the most effective way of getting what you want here. If you aren’t received or have a hard time expressing yourself and see no movement in the bedroom, consider couples counseling. It could provide an even bigger communication boost.
Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.
Thanks! Your question has been submitted.
Dear How to Do It,
I have a friend who is secretly gay. He and his wife have been married for five years and have a two-year-old. He comes from a very conservative Christian background, and his wife has no idea as to his true orientation. The thing is that I have been letting my friend and his boyfriend use my place as a love nest. I’m often traveling on business, so stopping off to care for my dogs gives him the perfect cover. Is it wrong of me to facilitate his cheating?
—Accomplice or Ally?
Dear Accomplice or Ally?,
If only all of your choices were as shrewd as the pseudonym you gave your secretly gay friend! If cheating is wrong—and it is—then aiding and abetting it is as well. The road to coming out is sometimes paved with lies. This is not ideal, but neither is the ubiquity of homophobia in the world we live in. Many of these lies are forgiven by those close to the queer person in question, upon their coming out—not for the sake of excusing unethical behavior, but in tacit understanding of the difficulty people have negotiating their sexuality in a world that is often openly hostile to it.
For this reason, I think assisting in this cheating is a worse look than the actual cheating. You’re a disinterested third party. Your behavior cannot be dismissed or understood as an identity crisis or misstep on the path to self-acceptance. You’re just helping someone do something that is admittedly shitty, even if his situation is so complicated that he feels like he has no other choice. Were you unaware of your friend’s specific use of your place, I think you’d be less morally culpable. If you had some kind of understanding that he could use your place for whatever he sees fit in exchange for caring for your animals, fine. Plausible deniability might help you sleep better at night. But beyond exploring his sexuality, this guy is cheating on his wife and you’re helping with that.
If you have any moral qualms about that, you should tell him to find his own place. He’s an adult, he can shell out for hotels. This shouldn’t be easy for him anyway—the hardship of maintaining a lie and finding a venue in which to live that lie can be enough to prompt someone to finally come out, which is the right thing to do ultimately, conservative Christianity be damned.
Send Us Your Questions About the Workplace!
The columnists behind our advice column, Good Job, want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!
Dear How to Do It,
I like to watch online porn when my wife isn’t in the mood for sex. Once she found out, she accused me of cheating on her (I’m not). Trying to explain to her that this is no different than using any other masturbation aid has only resulted in her calling me a liar and saying that if I really loved her I would give up “the digital whores.” I think she is being unfair and paranoid; If she wanted to watch adult content online, I would be fine with it. What can I do to convince her this is harmless?
—Whacked for Wacking
Dear Whacked for Wacking,
I’m with you: Masturbation isn’t cheating and whatever aids you use in your solo adventures are fair game. The only way this could be credibly construed as cheating is if your wife had previously told you that she has an issue with your porn use and you agreed not to indulge in it. I’m assuming that’s not the case here, so she’s foisting her subjective morality onto you. A losing endeavor.
Her reaction does create an opportunity for further conversation. Why does she think your porn use is cheating? Why does she think it has anything to do with her, or is her business at all? And, most importantly, what does she think you should do when you’re horny and she doesn’t want to have sex? Maybe she has guidelines by which you’d be OK abiding. Maybe she thinks you should sit on your hands and wait around for her to get in the mood. I don’t think you should cave, necessarily, because I think it’s unreasonable and controlling for one partner to tell another what they can and cannot do when masturbating. But her answers could be illuminating and you could perhaps argue your case better knowing where she is coming from. She can tell you what she thinks you should do, and you can reject this. You don’t have to behave in a way that she would like, and she can either deal with that or make choices so that she doesn’t have to deal with that.
Hopefully, it doesn’t get too serious. One thing I want to warn you against, though, is drawing false equivalences during this conversation (or series of conversations). It doesn’t really matter whether you’d be OK with her watching porn. As a porn consumer, you better take that stance lest you surrender to hypocrisy. Besides, the issue isn’t about her potential porn use, it’s about your actual porn use and her reaction to it. Stay on topic.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
My husband and I haven’t had sex in two years. To protest this, I’ve been staging a shower strike. Why should I shower if no one’s gonna be down there, you know? Only, I don’t think it’s working. I’m getting crustier and crustier, and my husband isn’t budging. I’d really like to have sex, but we’re at a standstill over this. What should I do?
