Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m in a relatively new relationship after getting divorced from my partner of 20 years. While our relationship is new-ish (eight months) we’ve known each other for 30 years.
My ex-husband and I don’t have children, and I never really wanted them. My boyfriend has a teenage daughter from his first marriage. He would love another child. I’ve never wanted kids before, but now I can’t let go of a certain thought.
I’m considering just going off birth control and seeing what happens.
Except I’m 49. Can I have a baby at 50? I’m not currently menopausal, and I know, in theory, I can get pregnant. I understand the statistics, but obviously, most people (sensibly) choose to have their families when they are younger. My largest concerns are health-related, especially for the baby. Realistically, how much of a risk is this? Is having a child at 50 a terrible idea? Is it irresponsible? We’d be 70 when our child turns 20.
How do I talk to my boyfriend about this, given that he would die happy just knowing I was considering this option? He knows I’ve never wanted children before (until?) now.
I could just go off birth control and not tell him, but that seems crazy. Right? Adding to the dilemma, we’re currently long-distance. But obviously, if we do want to have a baby we don’t have time to waste. If there is a window, it’s closing. What should I do?
—Maybe, Baby?
Dear Maybe,
There are circumstances under which people should have a child, and then there are yours: new relationship, long distance, ambivalence about becoming a mother. We don’t need to factor in your age to see that just “going off birth control and seeing what happens” is not a good idea.
Perhaps you can become a mother at 50—would you want that to happen before you and your partner have even had the chance to live in the same area, let alone the same home? I realize that you’ve known this person a long time, but you’ve only been together a hot second and you’re physically distant.
Now let’s talk about the age part: According to the American College of Gynocologists and Obsetricians, it’s very unlikely that you’ll get pregnant at 50 without medical intervention, such as in vitro fertilization or the implantation of donor eggs. If you were to get pregnant, the risk of complications is higher due to age. ACGO data shows that the risk of chromosomal abnormalities increase with age, as do the risk of preeclampsia and other pregnancy complications, including miscarriage.
Parenthood at any age should be taken seriously and planned for, not just left to chance, and at your age there are even more important considerations. Something could happen to one or both of you before your child is grown that prevents you from caring for them; do you have loved ones who could step in and raise your child if you two no longer could? Imagine yourself at 65: do you think you’ll be up for the task of parenting a teenager? Is that how you want to spend those years? The answer may be “yes,” but I think you and your partner need to have more serious conversations about what having a child would entail and make a decision based on your lives, not the idea that maybe having a kid might be cool.
You absolutely shouldn’t just get off birth control and just see what happens. I understand that facing the end of your fertile years can be emotional, even for women who hadn’t previously desired motherhood. Don’t let your big feelings lead you into making such a major decision without the utmost consideration.
—Jamilah
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