Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.
Dear Prudence,
I am the female manager of a small sales team. Recently one of my reps left, and for purposes of keeping up with his contacts I was given access to his email account as well as his old instant messages. As I went through his IMs I discovered something upsetting.
My former rep and one of my current reps spent an awful lot of time talking smack about me. I get I’m the boss and I won’t always be liked, but as I sat and read the conversation history, I could feel my face burning in humiliation and my stomach twisting in shame. It was like high school. He and she discussed my hair, my body, the sound of my voice, what I wear. I hate to admit it gutted me. I’m having a hard time even looking at the rep who did this. My sister says that I should make an announcement in my team meeting that I have access to the former rep’s emails and chat sessions in an offhand manner to let the remaining rep know I know. I can’t come across as weak or sensitive, so my instinct is to suck it up and pretend I never read the poison. What do I do?
—Smaked Down
Dear Smacked,
You have been subjected to the technological equivalent of being in the last bathroom stall when a couple of classmates come in and proceed to rip you. You have also experienced why “like high school” is such a common reference to people behaving badly: because people, no matter what their age, often behave badly. Your visceral reaction to this pile-on is perfectly reasonable. Now you have to decide what you do with this information. If there is anything useful for you in it, such as complaints about your being too indirect, then ponder the critique. But if this is nothing but misogynistic commentary, then of course that’s going to color your feelings about the perp—I mean rep. I think you should deal with this head on. At the next group meeting, tell the assembled that you have been going through the departed rep’s communications to make sure all his contacts are up to date. Remind everyone that when they use company-issued devices, what they write is not confidential and should be kept professional. Then you should have a brief, private meeting with your mean girl. You’re right you can’t seem weak or sensitive, so practice having a small, scary smile on your face when you tell her you just wanted to reiterate that you have gone through the departed rep’s electronic exchanges, including those between him and her, and you want to make sure she understands that these communications are company property. Do not be surprised if this results in this rep soon notifying you that you now have two positions to fill.
—Emily Yoffe
From: Net Life. (Jan 16. 2014).
Dear Prudence,
I recently got engaged to my boyfriend of two years. He is from a northern European country where engagement rings are usually simple gold bands, worn by both the man and the woman. The big diamonds that American women expect are very rare, and considered rather vulgar by most. My engagement ring is a cultural compromise: A gold band set with a very small (1/6 of a carat) diamond. I love my ring, but back home in the U.S., many people seem personally offended by it. My mother is urging me to have my ring “upgraded” because a respectable American middle-class woman needs a bigger diamond. Other people have made comments along the lines of “That looks like a promise ring that a high schooler would give to his girlfriend” and “You should have held out for something nicer.” To many American women, the size of the diamond engagement ring seems to be a symbol of their success and worth as women, and the message that I have failed at this goal comes across loud and clear. It stings a bit when they wave their giant rings in my face while making their little comments. What can I do to get them to stop?
—Everyone Hates My Engagement Ring!
Dear Ring,
I have written previously about my dislike of the engagement ring industry. This is not to say that if your fiancé can afford a nice ring (and I mean write a check for the whole thing without a sweat) and you like jewelry, go for it. I mean the notion that it’s not an engagement unless a rock is proffered, and the value of the relationship is tied up in the size of that rock. As far as your mother is concerned, in the nicest possible way tell her to butt out and go blow. I am fond of the non sequitur in the case of the type of rude comments you’re getting from others: “Oh, thanks, I really like my ring, too.” And as far as people flapping their diamonds in your face close enough to take your eye out, duck your head and say, “My, that’s a lovely big ring.”
—E. Y.
From: Rock Bottom. (Jan. 22, 2013).
Dear Prudence,
My wife, “Sue,” was a heavy smoker for years but managed to quit before we moved to this area nearly 20 years ago. Sadly, she still died of lung cancer earlier this year at age 52. I think anyone who watches someone die of lung cancer would quit smoking on the spot, but I digress. Sue never wanted anyone to know her “dirty little secret,” though I think the fact she was able to quit was a major accomplishment.
While I promised to keep her secret, I now hear smokers say, “After all, Sue died of lung cancer, and she never smoked.” I’d like to tell them the truth: “Actually she was a heavy smoker for many years,” as a cautionary tale. On the other hand, I realize some people who never smoked still develop lung cancer. Your thoughts would be appreciated.
—Former Smoker’s Husband
Dear Husband,
I know your wife wanted to keep the fact that she was a former smoker a secret, and like you, I don’t understand why. But surely she wouldn’t want her death to be used as an example by smokers that lung cancer is a random event and her death had nothing to do with their habit. I don’t think it’s dishonoring your late wife’s memory to tell these people that, unfortunately, your wife’s death was cigarette-related. I think it’s fair to say you were really proud that she quit a heavy habit years ago, but unfortunately, the damage had already been done.
—E. Y.
From: This Old House. (June, 24, 2013).
Classic Prudie
Almost all of my past girlfriends have been funny, intelligent, interesting, and great people. I have stayed friends with many of them (even went to a few of their weddings). They have all been physically attractive. I am friends with some amazing women who have great traits, but would not be considered physically attractive. Some of them confide in me that they have trouble finding good men and ask me for advice. Their looks are probably the only thing holding them back. I don’t know what, if anything, I should tell them.
