How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband had diabetes and obesity-induced erectile dysfunction for a decade, which, after significant weight loss, has improved. His dick does get hard now! But the moment it senses pussy, it can’t stay that way. Having penetrative sex is important to me, and I married him anyway because I know this is a fixable issue. Science cares about boners!
He’s tried all the different drugs, and they help, but we still can’t get there. I even had to do IVF because we couldn’t even attempt to get pregnant the traditional way. At this point, I’ve given up and feel resentful about the IVF, frustrated that it took him so long to deal with it in the first place, hurt that he won’t keep looking for solutions, and sad that I’ve signed up to never get fucked again. He insists that non-monogamy is off the table for us. Help!
—Never
Dear Never,
It’s possible that erectile dysfunction medication simply isn’t enough. Often, soft or absent erections are at least partially caused by a person’s mental state, as licensed marriage and family therapist Moushumi Ghose shared with us in a recent column. So while your husband’s issue is probably fixable with the right support, it absolutely requires his own desire to find a solution, which very much seems to be absent.
Unfortunately, you married him thinking that as long as he found the right pill, this would be resolved. Sadly, this isn’t always the case—and that is indeed disappointing. Take some time to process your feelings around this. You might need several weeks. Talking with a trusted and sympathetic friend would be helpful. Once you’ve worked through any frustration with yourself, anger at a lack of education around these subjects, and new layers of emotions toward your husband, start considering your remaining options.
As I see it, you can introduce a dildo into your sexual interactions, explore pumps or even surgery for your husband, push for sex therapy, or leave.
Think through whether this issue is a dealbreaker for you, either because penetration is important to you or because you want a husband who is able and willing to put in the effort to engage in finding a solution. Think long and hard, with as clear a mind as you can, because saying any version of “I feel these awful emotions, and need you to do something in order to be willing to stay in the relationship” is nearly impossible to come back from when the answer is anything other than agreeable. Also consider whether you’re likely to be satisfied even if he does follow through on dildos or pumps and they work—will that be enough, at this point?
When you’ve mulled over your options and can approach your husband calmly, start the conversation. Let your husband know that you’re miserable. Leave space for him to process and respond, and be prepared to take a few-hour or days-long breaks, as this discussion might need to happen in chunks, for both of your sakes. Good luck.
—Jessica
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I’m a man in my late 30s. My wife and I have three young children and a satisfying sex life. We have a closed relationship and, although I fantasize about other women and watch porn, I don’t want to hook up with anyone else. Also, I love dancing. I like to dance at home alone or with my kids, with my wife at a party, and (very occasionally) out with friends at a bar or club. I’m conventionally handsome and a better dancer than people expect, and I sometimes end up dancing with strangers when I’m out, especially when it starts getting late.
