I gave my nieces a car to share. Their mom let the oldest take it as her own. My generosity has backfired.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I made the mistake of buying a car for my nieces four years ago.

My sister is a single mom without much money, and my oldest niece, “Ava,” had just turned 16. Her sisters were 14 and 12. The idea was the girls would share the car as they got older, or my sister would sell it and split the money between them. She made an agreement with me.

Instead, Ava took the car when she graduated and moved out of state with her boyfriend (with my sister’s blessings), leaving the other two girls dependent on the lackluster transportation system in their city. My middle niece just got accepted on scholarship to a college on the other side of the city, and it will take her hours every day to get there. My nieces constantly complain and moan about not having a car, how it is unfair to them, and how Ava is my favorite.

Worst of all, my sister does nothing to correct them. She even got offended when I told her that Ava should sell the car so they could at least afford two older cars! There is no way for me to afford to buy them all cars, but this falls on deaf ears.

A few weeks ago at dinner, I heard about the car again, so I told my nieces to drop the subject and said that if they wanted to blame anyone, they should blame their mom. I also said that if Ava was anyone’s favorite it was her. My sister got very upset with me and we ended up having a loud fight. I left and have skipped family dinners since.

It is very frustrating for my generosity to blow up in my face like this. Our parents were not good people so it has always been my sister and me against the world. Even when her boyfriend abandoned her when she was pregnant with her youngest, I was right by her side. I never had kids of my own so I always focused on my sister’s kids. Right now, that feels like a mistake. What should I do?

—Upset Auntie

Dear Auntie,

Everyone needs some time to cool off. You have every right to be frustrated—you were super generous with your nieces, and now that generosity is being thrown back at you. For that reason alone, I would take some time to process your anger before you approach this problem with your sister—and keep the kids out of the conversation. Sure, your sister might be stressed with the transportation logistics, but I’m not sure why the responsibility to solve that problem falls on you. Your sister might just need some time to reflect on the reality of the situation to see how unfair she’s being.

Be transparent about the fact that you all need some time to cool off. Something like, “I hope you know you’re all my favorite, I love you very much, but I’m really hurt by how this all shaped up, so I’m going to take some space to think about things and I hope we can talk through it later.” Right now, emotions are heavy, so it’s hard to stay calm—which is probably why you’re telling your nieces to blame their mom, which isn’t really helpful, either. Being upfront about needing some space lets your sister and nieces know you’re not the enemy. You’re still there for them, so they don’t have to spiral about what your intentions are and where you’re at with the situation.

When you do feel ready to talk through things, that doesn’t mean you have to give into their demands. Give your sister a chance to air her grievances and listen to her, but tell her that ultimately, you simply can’t afford to buy her way out of this problem and you don’t want to talk about it further. She should communicate this to her kids instead of turning them against you. You’ve stated a pretty clear boundary already, so if she can’t stick to it, maybe you both need more time to let this go.

It sounds like you and your sister and nieces have a strong bond, and it would be a shame to let something like this break that bond. Tell her how much they mean to you, and that next time you want to do something generous, you’ll talk through it with her and set some firm ground rules for the gift. Family relationships are messy, but they’re also resilient. Give this one time to heal.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I have a stepbrother and half sister. They used to make an effort to include me in their lives and the lives of their children. But when our parents (my dad and step-mom) died a decade ago, that ended. Now, unless I hound them, I don’t get a phone call, let alone an invitation to Christmas.

I might as well be invisible to their children unless the check doesn’t clear. I am not talking thank you notes. I am talking how my adult nieces and nephews don’t even have the time of day to text back when I tell them “happy birthday.” So when my I got my nephew’s engagement announcement in the mail, I didn’t bother to acknowledge it.

My half sister called me out of the blue and asked why I hadn’t reach out to her son or send a check as a gift. I was blunt and told her I hadn’t talk to her son in three years since he graduated college, and I was tired of our relationship being a one-way street. She claimed her son was just a busy young adult and said thank you notes were out of style. I told her gratitude and graciousness were timeless and it was tacky as all hell to demand money from people for personal events and not even acknowledge their gifts. I asked why she even bothered to call me. We hadn’t spoken to each other in months or seen each other in two years. She claimed I was being petty and our parents are rolling in their graves over my actions. I told her goodbye and hung up.

I thought I was at peace with my choice to stop responding to them, but speaking to my sister left me with my hands shaking. I have no other family beyond my mother who has dementia and is in a care facility. She doesn’t know me half the time. I do have good friends, but they have their own lives and families. My health is good, but I know my time on earth is limited. A big part of me is afraid of what might come. Am I making a mistake here?

—Aunt in Agony

Dear Aunt in Agony,

Are thank you notes out of style? Even if that’s true, it doesn’t mean straight up asking people for money is okay. The point is, your half-sister doesn’t sound very kind, and using your parents as a bargaining tool to emotionally manipulate you is especially gross.

If you never hear from your family except when they want cash, that’s not exactly the support system you want in your older years. I understand the concern about being alone, but accepting crumbs of attention only when your family needs something isn’t a real connection. It’s setting yourself up for continued hurt. The fact that your hands were shaking after that call is so telling about how this dynamic affects you. Your body is having a physical reaction to the emotional stress this is causing you.

If you really want to give it one more shot, you could reach out and say something like, “I’d like to have a real relationship with you, but I’m hurt that I only hear from the family when money’s involved.” But someone who calls you demanding gifts for events you weren’t even properly invited to, then tries to guilt you when you say no, probably isn’t going to suddenly become the caring family you deserve. You’re not being petty here. You’re being protective.

—Kristin

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