How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I was reading through my boyfriend’s FetLife profile and writings, and it’s concerning me. He claims to be Dominant, but he’s really not. He says that he prefers women who are petite and flat-chested. He also talks a lot about how much he loves to give oral sex to women, and he wants his women to be willing to swing with him.
I have been with him for six years, and I can’t give him any of that! It makes me wonder why he’s even with me. We recently had a brief breakup, and he told me he would give all that stuff up if he could be with me, but I am doubtful. I don’t really trust that he has much self-awareness.
Do you think we have any chance of having a healthy relationship if I can’t fulfill any of his desires? I used to do some of it, but I have matured and changed, and would prefer to have a relatively normal, heterosexual relationship. He says he’s OK with such a relationship, but I don’t know if I’m OK with being such a huge disappointment to him.
—Not What He Wants
Dear Not What He Wants,
I’m missing a lot of details here, especially around why the two of you broke up and what the FetLife page was built for. I think you’re also missing some details, such as why he was with you for six years despite not checking every box on his fantasy list and why he wanted to restart the relationship.
If you’re in an open relationship, is it possible that he feels significantly fulfilled by you in several ways and is looking for partners who fulfill the roles you aren’t interested in? And, if he set this up during your break, could it be in some part a reaction to the breakup? Most importantly, though, you’re going to have to ask your boyfriend what his motivations and goals were and be able to believe him when he responds. That’s going to be the biggest factor in whether the two of you can have a healthy relationship—whether you’re able to trust and speak openly with each other.
As much as the feeling that you don’t measure up to your boyfriend’s desires might hurt, do your best to put that aside and focus on evaluating how much faith you have in him and the relationship. Talk it over with some trusted friends who’ve seen the two of you together but who aren’t mutuals. If your family has met him, check in with them about their opinions (omitting the sex aspects as needed).
—Jessica
More Advice From Slate
I am a 32-year-old cisgender woman on the autism spectrum. I am also asexual. I’m living with an allosexual cisgender man, and I quite like him. However, sexual intercourse between us gets awkward, for lack of a better term. I’m happy to put out to please him, but something is lacking in our sex life, and he seems frustrated by his inability to bring me to orgasm.
