Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I recently bought a rock on eBay for my wife for her birthday (she has an extensive collection). The thing is, my wife has a tendency to find out what I’m going to give her no matter how well I hide her gifts. So I asked my brother-in-law, “Blake,” if I could stash it at his place until it was time, and he agreed. However, his wife found it and thought it was Blake’s anniversary gift to her. Blake went along with it, as he has a habit of forgetting special occasions, and true to form, had failed to buy her something. He reimbursed me for the rock, but that’s not the point. It was a one-of-a-kind item, and I know I have to get my wife something else. Blake is pleading with me not to say anything to my SIL about it, as he doesn’t want to land in the doghouse with her. Is this kind of stunt worthy of me ratting him out?
—Rock Rip-Off
Dear Rip-Off,
Wait, so Blake’s wife, who does not have a rock collection, was happy to receive a rock for her anniversary? That’s very weird to me. But okay, whatever.
Tell Blake you will give him the money back so he can buy his wife something else. Something she collects, or something she’d really like. Something better than a rock! And then he needs to give that to her and explain that he panicked and went along with her assumption about the gift because her real gift hadn’t arrived yet. Or whatever he wants to tell her. My hope is that her delight about the new present, which is actually tailored to her interests, or romantic, or at least moderately thoughtful, will distract her from being mad about the lie. Give him the opportunity to do this himself, but make it clear that if he doesn’t, you—as a person who cares about your marriage just as much as he cares about his—are going to have to clear things up yourself.
If he is so desperate not to be in the doghouse, a calendar reminder about the holidays that happen every single year would be wise. Maybe you can help him set one up. I’m hopeful that if he’s so willing to lie (and kind of steal!) to protect his marriage, he’ll be just as willing to do something normal to work around his shortcomings.
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Dear Prudence,
My sister’s son attends an expensive pre-K program. When I asked her how she and her husband were able to afford it when we met for lunch one day, she told me something that left me reeling: She knows a man through her work who has a foot fetish. Apparently, he pays her the cost of her son’s tuition in exchange for several sessions each week where he gets to … do things with her feet. She’s been telling her husband that she got a promotion at work. When I told her this was essentially prostitution, she argued it wasn’t on the grounds that there’s no intercourse involved. I think what she is doing is appalling. Is it my place to say something to my brother-in-law?
—Foot Fetish Freak-Out
Dear Freak-Out,
Nope.
If your sister were having an actual sexual relationship with someone, there might be an argument that you should tell your brother-in-law because she could potentially expose him to a sexually transmitted infection and endanger his health. But reporting on her foot “prostitution” (sure, if you want to call it that, I don’t care) is not your job at all.
And I can’t help but wonder if you need to think about your attitude toward her. Even the question about how she was able to afford an expensive pre-K program feels a little judgy and critical. And if a foot fetish side gig is against your values, that’s fair, but why was your first reaction to act like a cop about it, instead of expressing concern for her safety or emotional health, or trying to convince her to drive Door Dash instead? She’s your sister and you want the best for her, right? Act like it.
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Dear Prudence,
My family is a lot: loud, messy, and with very poor boundaries. My husband has always been uncomfortable around them, so I was really pleased when he seemed incredibly chill on recent visits. Everybody commented on how relaxed he seemed lately. Well, it turns out he has been prepping for these trips with Xanax and edibles. I’m not even sure if I’m angry about this or why I would be, but I guess it just hurts that the only way the man I love can tolerate the people I love is while off his head on drugs. I’ve asked him to stop but he says this is what makes the trips bearable so I can have one or the other. How do I frame my concerns when I am not sure I even understand them myself?
—Zoned Out
Dear Zoned Out,
If you have specific concerns that you do understand—like if your husband is buying the Xanax off the street and you’re worried that he’s breaking the law or potentially addicted—definitely bring those up to him. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. In fact, it sounds like he is a problem solver. If the Xanax is prescribed to use as needed and the edibles are legal, and he’s not combining them in a dangerous way, he is using the tools available to him to deal with people who you admit are unpleasant to be around.
He’s found a solution that means he’s not boycotting family gatherings or fighting with your dad or being weird and quiet or picking fights with you on the way home. And the comments were that he was relaxed, not that he was behaving erratically or nodding off. It’s not like he’s struggling to tolerate you! If your stance is that it’s wrong to use any substance to change the way you feel (just like many people might have a glass of wine or even, more recently, a CBD-infused drink when they want to chill out), that’s fair and many would agree with you that there are healthier coping mechanisms available. But I didn’t hear you saying that either.
You say you don’t totally understand your concerns, so I’ll take a stab at it: Could it be that you’re upset that your husband thought about his discomfort around your family, found a solution, and started popping pills and gummies without sharing any of that process with you? I can see how that might make you feel sort of disconnected, or question your closeness. Maybe you can ask him why he didn’t feel comfortable sharing with you and if there’s anything you can do to encourage him to open up. Or perhaps his approach to your family is making you realize just how difficult they are, and you’re feeling abandoned as you interact with them sober on your own. Does it feel like a betrayal that he’s not going to be letting them agitate him in the same way they agitate you? So you won’t have that bonding experience? Could you be worried that their poor boundaries and messiness are pulling you two apart?
I hope this helps you to begin to articulate—first to yourself, and then to him—the feelings that his admission brought up. Or maybe you can use this as a moment to be the opposite of your loud, messy, and boundary-pushing relatives and say “It bothers me and I have to do some more thinking about why, but it’s your choice and I do want you to come with me to the next family birthday.”
Classic Prudie
My husband and I hired his 19-year-old nephew to help us with our small business; he stole over $4,000 in petty cash from us over the past year. Our accountant uncovered this and our security tapes proved it. My sister-in-law paid us the money back so we wouldn’t file criminal charges. Her son excused his actions by saying we paid him poorly and he didn’t think we would notice. He put my husband and me as a work reference after we fired him.
