How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I recently finalized a divorce, after having been married to my wife for 10 years, and am now back on the dating scene. I’m mostly looking to have casual sex with someone I can connect with more than once. The problem is I went on a few dates with this one woman, and after a night of drinking, we had sex. It was great, but then I did something that really embarrassed me.
I inexplicably started crying. It was my first time having sex with anyone other than my wife and I guess it just hit me at that moment. She was really nice about it, and I hope we can patch things up. But it’s so awkward and I really don’t want that to happen again. How do I keep these particular waterworks out of it?
—Teared Up
Dear Teared Up,
How do you stop an automatic emotional reaction that you never wanted to present in the first place? I don’t know if you can. This was a sincere moment. Your feelings were indicating something that your brain didn’t realize. Maybe you weren’t really ready for this kind of contact after all that happened. Or maybe part of you was ready for it and another part of you wasn’t. Ambivalence is the norm for a lot of situations. Our feelings can conflict and we may not even realize it until they’re pouring out of us. Maybe the first post-divorce sex was just so momentous that your emotions followed suit and outpoured. Showing someone this side of you may feel vulnerable, even unsafe. It may even come off as taboo if you’re a guy. Casual partners may feel it’s too much. But not everyone will want to banish you for having feelings, even if they run deep and come out in a surprising display. In fact, if someone handles that kind of emotional release well, that says a lot about them—like that they’re a safe person for you to be yourself with. That might be asking too much of a casual hookup, but anyone who approached your feelings with curiosity and empathy could be healing for you right now.
I think you just have to feel your way through. This could have been a first-time thing. Maybe not. You won’t know until you experience it more. Given the way that drinking can tease out emotions, I’d lay off the sauce next time you think that whatever you’re doing may lead to sex. It would be great if the fix were so easy as to subtract that one thing. If not, just give it time and seek out compassionate partners who can accept your emotions. Take your time and, most importantly, accept yourself.
—Rich
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