How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I have been married for seven years, and together for 10, and he has a very unusual problem every time he sees or speaks to his mother.
If he speaks to her or sees her, he cannot get an erection for the rest of the day. I’ve always thought this was a bizarre quirk, but the problem is that black mold was discovered in his parents’ home—a lot of it. They are going to be staying with us until it is cleared out, which could be a month or more. I don’t think I can go without sex that long! Is there any way to remedy this?
—Mommy Issues
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Jessica Stoya: I really try not to criticize people for waiting too long to tackle something. However, I have a strong suspicion that the husband’s temporary erectile dysfunction in response to his mother is going to require a significant amount of therapy. And the time to strongly suggest he consider looking into therapy was many years ago.
Did the writer ever ask the husband, what’s up with this? When did it start?
Rich Juzwiak: Yes, when did it start? Because if it was always a thing, then he wasn’t masturbating as a teenager, as somebody living with parents. So I would have a lot more kinds of questions for the husband. It really does, to your point, seem like something to at least talk about with a professional.
Jessica: It’s not the kind of thing that’s likely to be resolved in maybe a bit more than a month. Right? I’m not even sure you can get into a therapist that quickly in the U.S. these days.
Rich: A long-term solution is in order. Also, this is, at least temporarily, an issue that has an endpoint in sight. So it’s annoying for our writer to go a month or so without sex, but you can do it. It’s possible. It’s not food, you’re not going to starve. It’s sex, you can take care of yourself. You may not be able to avoid his mom during this period. So, that’s what it is. Given the abundance of issues that we see, not just in this column but in the world, I’m finding it a little bit difficult to sympathize. As much as I understand this is a serious issue, I also know you will live to see another day of sex.
Jessica: I’m able to sympathize. But at the end of the day, it’s just inconvenient. An erection is not the be-all and end-all of partnered sexual interaction.
Rich: That’s very true.
Jessica: Lots of couples don’t have any penises in the mix at all and have a great time together. Plenty of other people, for one reason or another, are partnered with someone who has a penis that doesn’t reliably become erect. Sometimes there is an erect penis, and people still choose to have sex without engaging with the penis. So, they’ve got a lot of options; all they have to do is get a little bit creative. I am a bit sorry that you’re not going to get dicked down real good during this time. But you will survive. If the husband is of the mindset that because he’s not hard, they’re not going to have sex, then you have hands. You can get sex toys and use your imagination.
Rich: I also wonder what the husband has done to counteract this. Has he tried a PDE5 inhibitor? Has he used a cock ring? Sometimes you need that extra kind of assurance or lift to knock yourself out of a pattern. And then once you understand that you can do it through medical means, the psychological aspect can fall to the background because you’re just bumping yourself out of that loop of, I see my mom, I can’t get an erection, this is my life. But then, if you can assist yourself medically, you can show yourself that you can do it. So, I wonder how much he has actually practiced getting over this.
Jessica: That is a really good point. Regarding this sentence: “I don’t think I can go without sex that long!”, think about that. What is sex doing for you in your life that maybe could be spread out over a more diverse toolbox?
Rich: Is it stress relief? Because if it is, you could try exercise or acts of charity. If you’re bored, you can read or watch a million things that are on TV. And if you’re that horny, again, just masturbate or have him masturbate with you. Figure out a different way for a little bit. It’s an opportunity to explore. This isn’t one of those situations where it’s the parents are staying with you, and if they hear you, it’s going to create a rift. It seems like they can still do whatever they’d like while the parents are living there. So create a new frontier.
Tough it out. Hopefully, it’ll just be the month. It might suck, but it’ll be over pretty quickly.
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I am a heterosexual male in my mid-30s who a year ago got divorced from the only sexual partner I ever had. I eagerly got back into the dating scene and met someone I was really into. Before having sex, we discussed that we were comfortable with not using condoms because of my sterility. However, when we were actually doing the deed, and things seemed to be going VERY well, I ejaculated inside of her vagina.
