Charlie Sheen Reveals Party ‘Rules’ from Drug-Fueled Years, Still Gets ‘Shame Shivers’

“It’s not about me setting the record straight or righting all the wrongs of my past,” the Two and a Half Men alum told People in a cover story, explaining the genesis behind the twin projects. “It’s just me, finally telling the stories in the way they actually happened. The stories I can remember, anyway.”

He also emphasized that he “didn’t want to write from the place of being a victim,” explaining, “I wasn’t, and I own everything I did.”

But part of that exploration for Sheen was digging into the why of what happened, or at least his own theories. One comment from his Two and a Half Men co-star Jon Cryer helped to open that self-assessment a bit.

It came during the two-part aka Charlie Sheen, when Cryer said that he’d always sensed Sheen felt he didn’t deserve all the success that came his way. “That was pretty insightful,” Sheen admitted.

For his part, Sheen came to realize that from the beginning, he’d always been afraid that all the fame and money that came with it could disappear at any moment. “There was always that voice of doubt, that it was only a matter of time before it all went away, so to enjoy it as heartily as you can,” he explained.

Sheen was able to enjoy both sides of fame, with unparalleled success in his career even as his personal life was spiraling deeper into addiction. By the time Sheen was starring alongside Cryer on CBS’s top sitcom, he was the top-paid star on television, earning $1.8-2 million per episode in 2010.

A year later, he was axed from the show in a very public and very ugly falling out with creator Chuck Lorre, who also appears in the documentary. Sheen told People he personally asked Cryer and Lorre, as well as ex-wives Brooke Mueller and Denise Richards, if they would participate in the docuseries.

The Two and a Half Men firing would set the stage for Sheen’s public meltdown and rock bottom, but not before he reached a new apex in partying and out-of-control behavior. Already, Sheen had become as legendary for his epic parties as he was for rumors of drug and alcohol abuse.

Opening up about his devil-may-care attitude during his wildest years, Sheen told People that he had three simple “rules” for anyone who attended. “At my parties, I always said, ‘Park your judgement at the door. No pain in the bedroom. And no one can die,'” he shared, adding, “Those were good rules.”

The debauchery reached unprecedented heights after Sheen dropped the phrases “tiger blood” and “winning” into the public discourse amid a series of erratic and concerning television interviews. He explained to People that on top of the drugs he was doing at this time, he was also using a testosterone cream that made him a “raving lunatic.”

Sheen had several stints in rehab over the years as he tried to get clean, but says that in 2017, it finally stuck. “You have to be willing,” he came to realize, explaining why those earlier trips ultimately proved unsuccessful. In that final moment, he’d decided he wanted to be the kind of dad his kids could rely on, after years of not consistently showing up for them.

He says he’s been sober since, sharing some of the tools he’s employed to stay that way. “I keep a [mental list] of the worst, most shameful things I’ve done, and I can look at that in my head if I feel like having a drink,” he told the outlet. Also, “whether it’s true or not, I like to think the next hit would kill me.”

Now that he has a clean life, Sheen said he’s taken the time to reconnect with almost everyone from his past, to make amends. “What has been interesting about making amends is that most people have been like, ‘Hey yeah, we’re good man, but we hope you’ve also forgiven yourself.'”

That, he said, has proven a little more difficult. “Forgiveness is still an evolving thing,” he shared. “I still get what I call the ‘shame shivers.’ These are the moments that hit me, of the heinous memories and choices and consequences.”

“They’re getting farther in between,” he continued, “so I guess that’s progress.”

As for what’s next, Sheen told People that while he’d like to return to acting, he’s enjoying taking things one day at a time, instead of always chasing something. “I’m not calling all of this a comeback,” he explained. “I’m calling it a reset. I’m just living for the next moment, whatever that turns out to be.”

Sheen’s unfiltered story is laid bare in The Book of Sheen, available wherever books are sold September 9, and on the following day when Netflix drops the two-part aka Charlie Sheen.