At a website dedicated to covering sports, pop culture, and the intersection between the two, a movie like Him was designed in a lab to appeal to us. Directed by Justin Tipping and produced by Jordan Peele, Him follows an up-and-coming quarterback (Tyriq Withers) as he’s taken under the wing of a seasoned vet (Marlon Wayans) at the latter’s private compound. As you’d expect based on Peele’s involvement, things aren’t quite what they seem in some of the truly unsettling training sequences teased in the trailers, which makes Him perhaps the first film that can be classified as sports body horror. The moment this happened, I knew I’d be there opening night:
Given how sports movies have faded from the mainstream, the existence of something like Him is worth celebrating in and of itself. And, of course, it’s the perfect excuse to do some sports-adjacent blogging. At The Ringer, we’ve previously explored the plausibility of Air Bud’s athletic exploits and the biggest cheating scandals in sports movies; other sites have ranked the greatest fictional athletes in cinema Based on Him’s premise, the logical end point would be a piece breaking down the greatest fictional quarterbacks (which we have done!) or putting together a lineup of iconic football players from sports movies like Remember the Titans, Jerry Maguire, and The Longest Yard. But just as there’s no rule that says a dog can’t play basketball, there’s no rule that says we have to commemorate Him’s release by focusing on fictional athletes—or sports movies at all.
I’ve spent nearly a decade toiling away in the content mines—enough time terminally online that someone should have implemented concussion-style protocols by now—so doing a blog about American football in the annals of cinema seemed too straightforward. Instead, let’s pull a 180: What would be the best football team one can assemble from non–sports movies? The only rule we’ll enforce for this exercise: no drafting characters with superpowers. (Where’s the fun in picking the Flash if nobody can tackle him?) So if there’s anyone else out there who’s watched a character during a chase scene and couldn’t stop thinking about the numbers they’d put up at the combine, this piece is very specifically for you.
Head Coach: Danny Ocean, the Ocean’s Franchise
When you think about it, planning a heist isn’t all that dissimilar to a head coach making a game plan: To be good at either job, you need to put people in the best position to succeed with their respective skill sets and set up contingencies if problems arise. So if I were the general manager of a football team, I’d try to convince one Danny Ocean (George Clooney edition) to give up a life of crime for a life on the sideline.
In my mind, there’s no question that he’d be great at it. Danny would be a huge asset during free agency; our guy loves putting together a team. He’d grind so much of the opposition’s tape to look for weaknesses. You can just picture Coach Ocean drawing up more trick plays than Ben Johnson, leaving every defensive coordinator as emotionally distraught as Andy Garcia at the end of Ocean’s 11. To mix up the sports metaphors, this would be a home run appointment. Might as well get the Danny Ocean bust ready in Canton now.
Quarterback: Johnny Utah, Point Break
Maybe this seems like a bit of a cheat, but Point Break is an action movie with a protagonist who just so happens to have a background in football. Here’s what we know about rookie FBI agent Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves): He was a quarterback at Ohio State, where he won the Rose Bowl before a serious knee injury derailed his chance to go pro. That’s an impressive résumé, and while a career-ending knee injury is concerning, it didn’t stop Utah from participating in an epic chase scene in the film. (The end of the chase led to Utah reinjuring his knee, but still.) More importantly, we do see Utah play some beach football when he’s infiltrating the bank-robbing foursome known as the Ex-Presidents. Look at that swift release:
Based on this footage, Utah seems like a traditional pocket passer—the only time he throws outside the pocket is on play-action. But his arm is lively, and as long as there’s a strong offensive line in front of him, Utah could wreak havoc on opposing defenses. Knee injury notwithstanding, my only worry is that Utah might not have the clutch gene. Yes, he won a Rose Bowl, but he also let Ex-Presidents leader Bodhi (Patrick Swayze) escape justice:
Will Utah choke when the game’s on the line? What if Bodhi’s on the opposing team? Can his knee hold up? We’ll just have to find out on game day.
Running Backs: Ethan Hunt, the Mission: Impossible Franchise; Leatherface, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
Sometimes, the most obvious pick is also the best one for the job: Who better to lead the team’s rushing attack than Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise)? Hunt has spent decades saving the world from disaster, so playing a high-stakes football game should be a walk in the park. He’s clutch. He can take a hit. And he never, ever stops running.
Of course, with Cruise’s thinner frame, Hunt profiles as more of a change-of-pace back, rather than a true every-down player. So if Hunt is our Jahmyr Gibbs, we still need a David Montgomery in the backfield; that’s where Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen) comes in. He’s huge, and you just know he’d move the chains (pun unintended) in a short-yardage situation. Imagine this dude running around with a football in his hand instead of a chainsaw; would you want to tackle him?
Leatherface could stand to improve his ball security—look at how he’s recklessly waving that chainsaw around—but as long as he doesn’t kill any coaches for teaching him to tuck the pigskin, we’d have a formidable rushing attack.
Wide Receivers: Nathaniel “Hawkeye” Poe, The Last of the Mohicans; Trinity, The Matrix
It’s hard to imagine historical figures participating in a sport that didn’t exist during their time, but I know deep in my bones that Hawkeye (Daniel Day-Lewis) from The Last of the Mohicans can ball. When Hawkeye and Uncas (Eric Schweig) are hunting a deer in the film’s opening sequence, we witness not just their speed but also their impressive agility while they’re weaving through the forest. If Hawkeye is this athletic when he’s chasing goddamn wildlife, he’ll have no problem running a slant route:
I can see Hawkeye being a yards-after-catch beast on this team, but to balance things out, our other starting wideout should be a deep-ball threat. And because we’ve already got Keanu represented as our quarterback, I’m going with his character’s love interest in The Matrix: Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss). Sure, Trinity isn’t particularly tall—Moss is listed at 5-foot-9—but she makes up for it with a vertical leap that would make Calvin Johnson proud. Who’d contest a ball better than her?
The Keanu-Moss connection in the end zone? That’s the new Brady-Moss.
Tight End: Kronk, The Emperor’s New Groove
He’s huge, and his name is one letter away from “Gronk.” It’s a no-brainer, and if we wanted to pinch pennies, Kronk could moonlight as the team’s cook.
Defensive Ends: Dutch, Predator; Luke Hobbs, the Fast & Furious Franchise
Of course Arnold Schwarzenegger was going to make the cut; the question is which of his iconic characters would help the team the most. (While the various iterations of the Terminator technically don’t possess superpowers, picking a literal robot seems too easy.) But upon reflection, it always had to be Predator’s Dutch. How can any other character compete with the dude who faced off against the fucking Predator—and won? If he can do that, Dutch will make mincemeat out of offensive linemen. As a bonus, Dutch’s manly handshakes will be essential for team morale.
We had a similar predicament with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, who is perhaps the closest thing we have to a modern Schwarzenegger But I think that Fast & Furious’s Luke Hobbs has the edge for the simple reason that this man is basically a cheat code. He can flex his arm out of a cast. He can redirect a submarine missile with his bare hands. He can bring down a helicopter with his biceps. These are qualities that would lead one to believe that Hobbs has superpowers, but as far as we’re aware, the only thing that fuels the characters in the Fast franchise is the love of family. As long as the NFL doesn’t ban baby oil, Hobbs will rack up sacks.
Defensive Tackles: Rasputia, Norbit; Sherman Klump, The Nutty Professor
Defensive tackles are some of the beefiest dudes on the field, so I’ve decided to double up on Eddie Murphy’s somewhat controversial roles in fat suits: Norbit’s Rasputia and The Nutty Professor’s Sherman Klump. Rasputia has the sort of mean streak that should make for a seamless transition from terrorizing Norbit to terrorizing offensive linemen. Klump has a gentler disposition, but he’s also got a huge brain (and a big body) that could devise some potions to give him extra strength Klump could also go full Travis Hunter and play on both sides of the ball with his other persona; Buddy Love would be the perfect slot receiver.
Linebackers: Anders, The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare; King Leonidas, 300
Setting aside that he’s an absolute unit, I really wanted to include Alan Ritchson as a callback to his role as linebacker Thad Castle in Blue Mountain State. (Which wasn’t eligible because it’s a TV series and it’s actually about football.) Any Ritchson role would do, but I couldn’t look past his performance as Anders in The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare. The Guy Ritchie action-comedy, very loosely inspired by World War II’s Operation Postmaster, boasts some notable stars—Henry Cavill, Eiza González, Henry Golding, Cary Elwes—but Ritchson’s Danish brute steals the show. If you told Anders that the opposing team was composed of Nazis, he’d barrel through every single one of them.
As for Gerard Butler, as much as I wanted to pick Den of Thieves’ Big Nick, there’s no way that a man who eats a donut from an active crime scene is fit enough to play one of the most demanding positions in football. (I’ll see you in the halls of Benihana, Big Nick.) Conventional wisdom, then, leads us to 300’s King Leonidas, a Spartan warrior with the body of a Greek god. He will be the heart and soul of the defense, rallying our team to make clutch stops at the end of the game. (“Tonight, we dine in hell!” Leonidas shouts before a goal-line stand.) The only way Leonidas wouldn’t suit up is if Xerxes’s Persian army killed him on a bye week.
Cornerbacks: Bodhi, Point Break; Mollaka, Casino Royale
At cornerback, we need a skill set similar to a wideout’s, but characters that have more of an edge. Once again, my mind went straight to iconic chase sequences. We’re dipping back into the Point Break well because, while Utah has the football background, Bodhi is the real alpha of the film. He holds his own against a Rose Bowl winner in beach football, showcasing some impressive speed. He’s so crafty at robbing banks that the FBI is after him. But Bodhi’s real highlight is that aforementioned chase scene, in which he weaves his way through homes and traffic. I’m not sure how this would translate to a football field, but you gotta admire the ingenuity:
Bodhi’s … got that dawg in him, and so does our other cornerback, from Casino Royale. The name Mollaka might not ring a bell, but you probably know him as the Parkour Guy. At the beginning of the film, Daniel Craig’s 007 pursues the bomb maker, who’s played by real-life free runner Sébastien Foucan. The parkour chase was a thrilling statement of intent to usher in a newer, grittier era of Bond. It’s also the sort of highlight reel that leads me to believe that Mollaka missed his true calling on the gridiron. If he can scale steel beams, he could intercept balls in his sleep:
Safeties: The Tasmanian Devil, Looney Tunes: Back in Action; Juno, The Descent
I want my safeties to strike fear in the hearts of the opposition, so we’re going with a duo that is, respectfully, a little unhinged. The Tasmanian Devil is a creature after my own heart: impulsive, easily agitated, always hungry. He can also spin his entire body like a little tornado—I think that’s less an actual superpower than a silly animated flourish—so he’ll cover plenty of ground. Slot him in at free safety.
Meanwhile, at strong safety, I’ve gone with Juno (Natalie Mendoza) from The Descent. She’s a true thrill seeker, and while she does put her friends’ lives in danger—leading the group into an unexplored cave system with some gnarly creatures ready to tear the flesh from their bones—we’re not here to judge her poor decision-making. (Rest assured, she won’t be in charge of any team bonding excursions.) She kills more cave dwellers than anyone else in the film, showcasing a fierce, animalistic survival instinct. But what really impresses me is that Juno is left for dead at the end of The Descent—hobbling on one leg, surrounded by monsters—and somehow survives to show up in the sequel If Juno is capable of that level of perseverance, I trust her to make a chase-down tackle against anyone at full health. Derrick Henry running in space is scary, but he’s not as scary as what Juno saw down in those caves.
Kick Returner: Forrest Gump, Forrest Gump
Like Johnny Utah, Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks) puts us in a predicament: Forrest Gump is not a sports movie, yet its title character does play college football at one point. But since football makes up such a tiny part of Forrest Gump—he’s even better at ping-pong—I don’t think that it’s right to omit him. The résumé speaks for itself: In 1963, Forrest played for the University of Alabama under legendary coach Bear Bryant, who used him as a kick returner. When Forrest gets a head of steam, he’ll sprint all the way off the field if nobody stops him.
Forrest wouldn’t be of much use outside of special teams, however. “He clearly lacks some focus,” University of Oklahoma’s current general manager, Jim Nagy, told ESPN last year. “As a receiver, what are we going to do with this guy? He’s kind of a one-trick pony.” Harsh, but fair. Thankfully, all we need to do is give him a simple instruction: Run, Forrest, run.
Kicker: Park Doo-man, Memories of Murder
Parasite’s historic night at the Oscars launched Bong Joon-ho into the mainstream, but if you ask me, the Korean auteur’s best film is still Memories of Murder. Based on Korea’s first confirmed serial murders in the 1980s, Memories of Murder is a spiritual cousin to David Fincher’s Zodiac: The lack of resolution for the horrific killings is what torments the psyche So what does this crime thriller have to do with the art of placekicking? Despite the chilling subject matter, Bong suffuses Memories of Murder with some hilariously discombobulating dropkicks that seem like they belong in a different movie entirely. Here’s lead detective Park Doo-man (Song Kang-ho) attacking a suspect as if he’s prime Randy Orton:
Ridiculous behavior, but also super on brand for Bong, who has a history of injecting random dropkicks into his films. (More directors should, honestly.) Granted, the technique for executing a dropkick has nothing in common with that for nailing a field goal, but if Park brings this type of commitment to the practice field, he’ll become our Brandon Aubrey in no time. Detective Park never solved those murders, and that’s haunted him for years. Hopefully, sending a game into overtime will soothe his tortured soul.
Miles Surrey
Miles writes about television, film, and whatever your dad is interested in. He is based in Brooklyn.Source link
