A newly-married woman from San Francisco called The Ramsey Show with a dilemma that pits her and her new husband against the cultural expectations of her extended family.
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The caller states that she and her husband were recently married and although some of her extended family couldn’t attend the ceremony, her grandmother and aunt wanted to send a generous monetary gift of around $100,000. But instead of being thrilled, the caller was conflicted.
Why? Because in her experience, money from family (and especially her opinionated grandmother), tends to come with strings attached. She worried that accepting the funds would invite unwanted advice and interference in her new marriage.
To further complicate matters, her mother disagreed with the couple’s decision to decline the gift, calling it “disrespectful.” She then offered to accept the money on the newlyweds’ behalf and “pass it along,” adding another layer of pressure.
What advice did Ramsey and Kamel give the caller?
Dave Ramsey and co-host George Kamel were quick to pick up on the real issue — this isn’t about a generous gift; it’s about control. Ramsey pointed out that while the gift might not come with explicit conditions, the callers’ worry of future meddling was valid.
“You understand, though, that when you say ‘no thank you,’” there is no pleasant enough way to say that to people who think they have the right to walk into your life and tell you what to do … they’re still not going to accept that,” he said.
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Their advice was firm: Do not accept the money if it compromises your independence or causes stress in your marriage.
“At the time [you] took that vow of ‘for richer or poorer, in sickness and health,’ that means the rest of you don’t get a vote anymore,” Ramsey explained. “[The] ballot box is closed.”
The hosts emphasized that setting these boundaries is difficult, especially in families where guilt and manipulation are common. Ramsey recommended a book that would help the caller learn to set and keep boundaries.
“Get Dr. Henry Cloud’s book ‘Boundaries,’ because when you read it, one of the first chapters is going to tell you you’re not crazy. You’re not. And that’s good. And that this is wrong. And it’s not a cultural thing — it’s an interference thing.”
Despite the challenges, Ramsey and Kamel say the discomfort in setting those boundaries will be worth the peace of mind.
How to set financial boundaries with family
Setting boundaries about money — especially with family — can be emotionally difficult. But it’s crucial for maintaining a healthy marriage and protecting your financial well-being. In this situation, the caller is being given money, but in some families, it’s about knowing when and how to say no to money requests, rather than offers.
So, how do you do it? According to Headspace, the first step is identifying what you’re comfortable with.
In the caller’s case, it meant declining a well-meaning but complicated gift. It’s okay to say, “Thank you, but we’ve decided not to accept monetary gifts right now.” For you, it might mean saying, “No, I cannot loan/give you money.”
When it comes to giving money, don’t lend more than you’re willing or able to part with comfortably. And be clear about expectations. Here are a few tips for drawing clear lines:
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Be direct but kind: A firm “no thank you” can be more respectful than a reluctant “yes.”
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Don’t overly explain your reasoning: This can give family the idea that if they can overcome those reasons, you’ll change your mind. ‘No’ is a complete sentence.
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Use “we” language: If you’re in a partnership, presenting a united front helps reduce outside influence.
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Acknowledge good intentions: Let family know you appreciate their generosity and/or trust in the offer or ask, even if you ultimately decline it.
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Set and repeat boundaries as needed: One conversation might not be enough, especially if your family is used to being involved in your decisions.
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Remember you’re not responsible for others’ feelings — or financial health: You can’t control what other people do and you aren’t responsible for how they feel.
Setting boundaries isn’t about being cold or ungrateful; it’s about clearly defining what you will and won’t accept in your life. When it comes to money and family, those lines can easily get blurred. However, by establishing firm, respectful limits, you can protect your peace, values and relationships.
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This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
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