Baby shower gifts all have the same problem. My solution doesn’t require a registry.

Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday only for Slate Plus members.

Hey Prudence,

Re That Was Weird: Maybe the letter writer’s friend had a lot of early miscarriages, and won’t believe the pregnancy is “real” until there’s a healthy baby in her arms that she gets to take home. I have a friend who had four miscarriages between her first and second baby, and my down-the-street neighbor experienced a full-term pregnancy loss literally the day before her due date.

My nana doesn’t like baby showers. She goes to them and understands their purpose, but she’d much rather send whatever is needed after the baby is born. She just thinks too much can go wrong between conception and birth, so she doesn’t want to celebrate a baby until there is a baby—and she had seven kids over eight-and-a-half years, or something bonkers like that.

We should normalize a new way of thinking about gifts.

Give the mom-to-be a gift; that kid will get enough of them. Buy the mom-to-be a prenatal massage or a pedicure if she likes them—especially later in the pregnancy, when she can’t see her feet—or something that celebrates who the mom is before becoming “mom.” Not enough is said about how we lose the person we were before having kids. If the mom-to-be is your movie-watching buddy, go watch as many movies as you can, and make those memories.

—Gifts During Pregnancy Are Complicated

My first thought was that the letter writer would have known if her friend had experienced a loss, but maybe not! Some stigma remains around miscarriages, and some people are just very private. So that’s definitely a possibility.

I also like your suggestion of a gift for the mom-to-be. And reading your response, I realized the best way to be sure you don’t offend someone is to wait until they share a registry, and then buy something they’ve explicitly said they would like to have.

Hey Prudence,

Re It’s Not Funny: The letter writer whose father-in-law makes fun of his wife’s sexual inadequacies should ask, “Would you be comfortable if your wife and daughter heard you say that?”

—MDillon

I have a whole theory about the FIL’s personality, and I’m pretty sure he would respond: “Stop being so sensitive! No one can take a joke these days. That’s what’s wrong with the world.” But I still think your suggestion is a solid one.

Hey Prudence,

Re If You Can’t Say Anything Nice: Whatever you do, don’t tell the mom about the ugly remarks her friends are making about her baby. This is the kind of thing that burns into your soul. And why haven’t you said something already? The first time someone said the baby “looks like a botched abortion,” I’d have said, “That is so hurtful. Imagine if Marlayna ever heard you say that. Cut it out.” It’s one thing for a friend to tell you that your mutual friend’s baby is ugly. But it’s another level of awful to keep joking around about it.

—Artemisia20

Absolutely agree. 

Hey Prudence,

Re Intending to Eliminate the Eyesore: Don’t break the lamp. Erase that from your mind. Here are some alternatives:

1. Can you replace or clean the shade to ensure it matches the other light fixtures? Would that help modernize the lamp? (You do not say if it’s glass.)

2. Can you change some of your color scheme to match the lamp? (Like your pillow cases, for instance.) That would help reduce any clash or incongruity the lamp creates.

3. Can you ask for it to be moved to a den or office?

—Rock Creek Werewolf

Good ideas. My feeling was that the letter writer hated everything about the lamp, but if there’s anything that can be done to update it without upsetting anyone, I’m all for it.

Hey Prudence,

Re Intending to Eliminate the Eyesore: I’ve been married for 38 years. Early in our marriage, my mother-in-law gave us an old and hideous lamp: It was ceramic, painted red with faux marbling, and had gold trim. The pièce de résistance was a small painting on its side of people wearing 18th-century garb doing a dance. I seem to remember there was a lady wearing a bright blue dress in the painting. Not sure if it was an heirloom—my MIL loved to shop at garage sales. Did I mention this lamp was truly god-awful?

I told my husband that I hated it, but he wanted to keep it. It got stuck someplace like a back bedroom for ages, and then it ended up being stored in the back of a closet with our winter coats. I periodically tried to get him to donate it, but he wouldn’t let it go. Finally, during our last move, I was able to convince him to let it go to a good home since it hadn’t seen the light of day in years.

We’ve always had pretty similar taste in decor. He even has a design degree (in landscape architecture), so he does have some artistic vision. But god, that was a hideous lamp! To stay married this long, you have to have the ability to laugh at such things. Especially “that horrific lamp your mother gave us.”

—Lestroid

“People wearing 18th-century garb doing a dance” made me laugh, and I really needed that, so thank you. I hope its new owners are enjoying it and that you’re thriving without having an eyesore in your space!

Classic Prudie

My parents divorced nearly 30 years ago and only maintained a relationship because of the kids. Recently, my mother passed away and, in going through her things, it was quite a surprise to discover many cards and letters from my dad to her. I’ve only looked at the ones that can’t avoid being seen (notes written on a flat sheet of paper, e.g.), and have very little interest in going through them myself. Do I give the stack of old memorabilia back to my dad?