A man approached me in my car — he had a crazy story

Dear Quentin,

Here is a variation on the power-washing scam you recently wrote about: A guy walked up to my car window to point out a hole in the bumper and, like the power-washer in your letter, he went on and on about how he could fix it, inferring that he could resolve it “right then, right there.”

It was a crazy story: He went on about his daughter working at the local car dealership, and so on, to illustrate his so-called expertise. I’ve done enough of this kind of work to know he was full of s—, but he was playing on the “most people aren’t naturally rude” thing.

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I got rid of him by asking for a business card and a company name, and he bugged out. I wouldn’t say I felt intimidated, just annoyed and impatient. I would not have liked that to happen to my spouse. I think with the real cost of living soaring, this scam stuff is going to get worse.

A Diligent Driver

Related: ‘I’ve yelled, screamed and cried’: My mother gave $400K to online scammers. She still gives them Apple gift cards. What can I do?

Dear Driver,

You hit on something that a lot of people miss — until it’s too late.

People fall for scams because they are spooked into thinking something is wrong; they’re under pressure and they have to make a decision in the moment; the scammer is relentless and keeps your attention so you suspend your disbelief; and/or his demeanor or appearance suggests he’s just a concerned Good Samaritan or Everyday Joe who just wants to make an honest buck by helping you out.

But there’s one element that’s easily overlooked: We don’t want to appear rude. We don’t want people to think we’re not a nice person. We don’t see ourselves as suspicious or unkind. We don’t want to come across as a schmuck who is too cheap to part with $50 or $100 or $300 to fix a problem. We don’t want to break the social contract: That is, we assume everyone is a good person until we are proven otherwise and that usually happens when it’s too late.

The “power-washer” was pushing the homeowner to agree to a $50 job because they were betting he wouldn’t snap and be rude. It was easier, in theory, to hand over the $50 and convince yourself you were getting a clean patio than take off the proverbial gloves and say “Get lost.” He had another option: Close the door. Doing our best to appear trusting and nice is one of the reasons people feel so foolish after they’ve been scammed.

We will do anything to avoid the appearance of being rude. It’s hard to fathom how anyone could talk to us in a caring manner, yet wish to scam us. Psychologists say the most successful scam artists lack compassion and exhibit the “dark triad” of psychological traits: narcissism (extreme self-centeredness), Machiavellianism (manipulation of others) and psychopathy (acting impulsively with no regard for people’s feelings).

What’s more, when we are in a state of high anxiety, our logic is more likely to become impaired. It’s why they call you late at night, when you are tired, or try to catch you when you are distracted at work, or prey on people after a natural disaster. This study from the Journal of Neuroscience concluded: “A detrimental aspect of anxiety is disruption of prefrontal cortex-mediated executive functions, such as flexible decision-making.”

Surprisingly, the number of fraud reports last year did not actually increase, but the amount of money fraudsters scammed from people last year did rise by 25% to $12.5 billion, with consumers accounting for $5.7 billion of that figure, according to the Federal Trade Commission. Scammers also appear to be getting more tricky. Last year, 38% of people who reported fraud said they lost money compared to 27% in 2023.

You’re also correct that scams are popular. The reasons are complex — when people are in dire need of money the temptation to resort to nefarious means may increase — but technology also provides new ways for bad actors to get in touch: texting, email and social media among them. What was probably novel about the attempted power-washing scam and there’s-a-hole-in-your bumper scam was that they happened face to face.

It’s OK to say, “No.” And, “Stop talking.” Or simply just walk away.

Related: My mother, 89, keeps getting her credit card scammed. She gets a new one — and it happens again. What’s going on?

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Can my husband contest his late brother’s $600K will? He experienced oxygen deprivation due to COPD before he died.

I have early Alzheimer’s and my husband has stage 4 kidney disease. We just inherited $50K. How can this help us?

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