Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My younger sister “Harper” just shared with me that she and her husband are excited to be expecting a baby. She told me she was only telling our parents and a few trusted family members and asked me to help her keep the news secret until after the baby is born!
I knew immediately that this was because of our older sister “Ronnie.” Ronnie and her husband have struggled with infertility for years. After 10 miscarriages, Ronnie has reached a point where she will not be in the same room with a pregnant woman or a baby if she can help it.
Harper also told me that she is also going to forgo having a baby shower “out of respect for what Ronnie is going through.” I think this is insane.
Yes, what Ronnie is dealing with is devastating for her, but I don’t think she has a right to make everyone around her sacrifice their own enjoyment and milestone events because of it. Should I tell Ronnie about Harper’s pregnancy, and tell her it’s time to suck it up and shut up?
—You Can’t Hold the World Hostage
Dear You Can’t,
I’m not sure why Harper believes it will be any easier for Ronnie to learn about her baby after its birth as opposed to before. But Harper’s pregnancy is her business—it’s her choice who she wants to tell about it, and when. Maybe she wants to enjoy her happy news (assuming she is happy about it) for as long as possible before dealing with Ronnie’s potential feelings about it. In any case, while I know it’s an awkward situation—and it feels weird to know something important about your sister that your other sister doesn’t know—I do think you should probably leave it to Harper to share the news as she sees fit.
I realize you probably wouldn’t tell her in so many words to “suck it up and shut up.” Still, when you phrase it as her holding “the world hostage” and say that she doesn’t have the right to make Harper forgo any joy or celebration, you are overlooking the fact that Ronnie isn’t forcing Harper to do anything. Obviously it’s not realistic if Ronnie expects to get through life without ever seeing pregnant people and babies. But you don’t know that that’s her plan—sometimes there are things we do to try to take care of ourselves while actively grieving that we don’t necessarily do forever.
Right now, Ronnie is grieving. That is affecting her and her relationships and your family in many ways. It’s okay for you to feel upset or sad or frustrated about that. But Ronnie didn’t choose to experience so many losses, and the timeline of her grieving and healing is not up to you. In the meantime, she hasn’t asked Harper not to have a baby shower “out of respect” for her; she doesn’t even know about the baby.
Whether before or after the birth, your sisters are going to have to figure this out. If the secrecy right now bothers you, you can gently encourage Harper to be open with Ronnie before the baby arrives. (She might not really be “protecting” Ronnie, after all—Ronnie might be even more hurt knowing that Harper felt she couldn’t tell her about the pregnancy.) I don’t know how close your sisters are, but if Harper loves Ronnie enough to forgo a baby shower to try to protect her feelings, maybe they are close enough to talk about this and come to some sort of genuine, if inevitably complicated, understanding—one that allows them to be honest with each other, acknowledging both Harper’s happiness and Ronnie’s pain.
—Nicole
More Parenting Advice From Slate
I am a happily married middle-aged woman with two girls, “Bailey” (16) and “Sera” (14). They are great sisters. They get along fine for their age, and they enjoy playing video games and reading books together. Bailey is extraordinarily patient with Sera’s anti-social nature, and they share everything together. My husband and I made the decision to homeschool them when Bailey was in first grade, and they are both ahead academically. They also have a great relationship with my husband and me, and although our circle is small, we are happy. However, we’re experiencing some academic drama as of late.
