How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I have been married for three years, and we have a 2-year-old child. For the first six months of our relationship, we had a healthy, regular sex life. After that, my husband was not interested in sex, and for about two years, we had it very infrequently. My husband recently revealed to me that during that time, he thought a lot about why he would often become disinterested in sex with partners after being with them for a short amount of time (about six months).
He discovered that a particular kink is extremely important to him, and that moving forward, it will be an essential part of sex for him. He has never incorporated this kink into past sexual relationships, and only now discovered it. He likened it to discovering his sexuality, in that it is a critical part of his sexual identity. (The kink is fantasizing about him being cuckholded—right now, just as a fantasy, but he would eventually like it to be a reality).
I have tried for about six months to explore this with him, and unfortunately, it does not turn me on at all (in fact, it does the opposite for me). I have agreed to incorporate this into half of our sex sessions. He has told me that he needs it to be a part of every sexual encounter we have and is frustrated that it does not turn me on in the same way it does for him.
He said that if we do not move forward, he would like to consider having an open relationship (which I do not want), or he suggested that he withhold sex for me for a year so that I want sex so much that I am more interested in being with other men (either in fantasy or reality). Sometimes he acts angry with me for not feeling the same way about his kink.
I want my husband to be happy. I know that there are many women who are interested in this kink, and dating apps he could use to meet people who share this interest with him. I am also not sexually satisfied. If this is critical to my husband, I feel like we are at a standstill and maybe just sexually incompatible. Is this the end of our relationship?
—Unsatisfied
Dear Unsatisfied,
Your husband is being selfish by insisting that his cuckolding fantasy be a part of every sexual interaction when it actively turns you off. His suggestion that he withhold sex from you until you’re open to sex with other men strikes me as a twisted use of concepts like sensate focus to coerce you into something you’re clearly describing as unwanted. Nothing you’re relaying about his approach seems like an attempt to find ways for both of you to be happy-enough, and everything sounds like an endeavour to make you comply with his ideal scenario. The potential end of your relationship isn’t so much to do with a mismatch in interests or sexual incompatibility, as it is about his lack of regard for you as a whole person with your own desires and boundaries.
Take stock of the relationship as a whole. Does your husband treat you as secondary in other ways? What are conversations about household finances like? Or ones about child-rearing decisions? How about what you’re going to eat for dinner? Imagine a close friend or a loved one in the dynamic you’re in—and think about how you’d react and what you’d tell them. Regardless of whether this situation is systemic in your relationship or confined to sex, how much of this behavior are you willing to tolerate? This is an actual question—you’re an adult with the ability to exercise self-determination, which means you can decide to stay or leave.
If your marriage is currently past your limits for what you’ll accept from a partner, yes, this is the end of your relationship. If there’s still some hope, let your husband know that you’re considering whether it’s the end and insist that he take your concerns seriously. If he does, great. Work together to find a compromise, and require him to find a way to work through his own frustration and anger around his newly discovered fetish on his own time. He might consider seeking therapy, and you two could attend couples counseling as well. If he doesn’t work through his disappointment, again, this is the end. Listen to your feelings and instincts throughout, and know that while the whole situation is unfortunate, you’ve tried to be generous, and he, so far, has not done you the same courtesy.
—Jessica
More Advice From Slate
My girlfriend has decided we’re no longer kissing. We’re in our 30s, we’re both women, we have been together for about 18 months and lived together for about a year of that, and we have been having problems with our relationship since we moved in. Most of it was mental health–related on her part, and she didn’t have a sex drive. She says that has changed, but whenever I try—and I am always the one to initiate—it is awkward and stops right away. I have been trying to get her to talk to me about it, but she refuses, and this results in fights. The main point problem, however, is that she thinks I am biting her or grating my teeth on her when we make out.
