How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 44-year-old man and I’ve been married to a 45-year-old woman for the past 15 years. About six years ago, she told me that she was basically done with sex. While we have had sex maybe 10 times or so since then, her statement has been essentially true. She was never particularly sexual anyway (she never communicated about likes/dislikes, fantasies, masturbation, etc.) and didn’t feel like physical intimacy was important to her.
While I do not feel the same way, I have been, and continue to be, willing to continue our marriage this way. But here is my question: Through recent avid reading of this column, I have learned quite a bit regarding the spectrum of sexuality and have come to strongly believe that my wife is some version of asexual. In retrospect, I think she probably always has been. I don’t think that she spends much time thinking about her own sexuality beyond it being something she can live without. I have started wondering, though, if pushing her to think about it in a bit more self-reflective way and potentially coming to a conclusion/labeling it would be helpful for my own mental health and confidence in the relationship. Even if it is what I already suspect, I can’t help but think that “knowing” it to be true (and to some extent her “admitting” it’s true) would help our relationship. I am fully aware that this would be entirely for me, as, again, I am nearly positive she does not think about this in any type of self-reflective way. So what do you think? Discuss this with her to ease my own mind, or just maintain the status quo?
—Do Labels Only Help the Labeled?
Dear Do Labels Only Help the Labeled?,
Given the mores of millennials and Gen Z, it may be unfashionable to hold this opinion, but I believe labels can help everyone. They are shortcuts to understanding human complexity. Granted, they should be used with the tacit understanding that they can be imprecise and certainly do not describe everything (even about the qualities they are highlighting), and thus are often limiting. But in terms of conveying a rough understanding of something like a person’s sexuality, they can be quite useful for orienting not only the labelee but the people around them.
Let’s take your situation as an example: Your wife describing herself as asexual would help you understand the reasons behind the dearth of sex in your relationship. It could help you refrain from taking said lack of sex personally, help you not see it as an evaluation of your performance or attractiveness. In other words, it would confirm it’s not you, it’s her. However, since you already suspect that your wife is on the ace spectrum, as it would explain so much, you should ask yourself why confirmation is important to you. Is there, for example, lingering doubt about other potential reasons why your wife is done with sex? Are you just big on formal decrees of one’s personhood? Knowing this about yourself will be useful, as any persistence on your part in attempting to coax out a declaration of your wife’s perceived asexuality will likely prompt the question, “Why do you want to know?”
I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a conversation that begins somewhere around, “Do you think you might be asexual?” Even if it is for you, communication, particularly on something as important as your partner’s sexuality, is a good thing. But you should be prepared to receive her where she is. You can’t make her dissect parts of herself that she cannot reach or is otherwise not interested in reaching. That is to say: Don’t push her. Have the conversation and see where it goes. If she denies it and you aren’t convinced, you can tell her that and why. Perhaps follow up by purchasing one of the excellent books on asexuality that have been published in the last few years, like Angela Chen’s Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex and/or Cody Daigle-Orians’s I Am Ace. You should read those books as well so that you can discuss them with her.
Ultimately, her sexuality is hers to decide on and declare. You can have thoughtful conversations with her to help her on her way, but the destination is hers to discover.
Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.
Thanks! Your question has been submitted.
Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend has difficulty coming. When it does come out, it doesn’t shoot. It just kind of dribbles for about a minute. He’s only 32 and not experiencing any pain, but I’ve never had any guy I’ve ever been with have this sort of issue. I’ve suggested that he see a urologist, but he waves it off, saying it’s been like this for him for the last three years and he’s fine. Should I insist?
—Dubious Dripping
Dear Dubious Dripping,
There are guys who come a lot and those who don’t, and this is often just a matter of general human variance with no bearing on overall health. But here’s what grabbed me in your letter: Your boyfriend saw a change in his overall output some three years ago. Again, it could be nothing, but it’s always best to make sure that any changes we see in the body aren’t the result of an underlying condition. Weak ejaculation (or perceived ejaculate volume reduction) may indicate nerve damage caused by conditions like diabetes or multiple sclerosis. It could be the product of medicine or other factors like stress. Similarly, delayed ejaculation could be the result of hormonal conditions or neurological diseases. Sometimes changes like those your boyfriend has observed within himself are benign. Sometimes they amount to our bodies sending us messages. My advice is to always keep your line open for when your body calls with something to say. So yes, I think it would be wise for your boyfriend to see a doctor just in case. It’s much better to rule out something more serious than to be unaware that something grave is afoot.
If this is bothering him, he could try incorporating kegel exercises to strengthen his pelvic floor and perhaps tighten up the pressure of his ejaculations (you can find a brief description of these exercises in a recent column). But it seems that this isn’t bothering him, if his laissez-faire response to you about his dick dribble is any indication. How to make him care? Pointing out that an underlying condition may be at the root of this might inspire action on his part. But ultimately, you can’t make him care about anything. That’s on him. Hopefully, inspiration will kick in well before an actual issue presents itself.
Send Us Your Questions About the Workplace!
The columnists behind our advice column, Good Job, want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I are in our mid-40s. For the last six months, he had been increasingly tired and irritable, and his sex drive was in the toilet. A workup by his doctor revealed he was suffering from low testosterone. He has been getting bi-weekly injections, and they have worked. Too well! Now he wants sex at least 10 to 15 times a week, masturbates regularly, and has accumulated a trove of sex toys. Initially, I was thrilled, but I simply can’t keep up. Is what he is experiencing normal?
—He’s Back—Big Time
Dear He’s Back—Big Time,
This is a pretty simple case of cause and effect. Part of what inspired your husband to seek out testosterone replacement therapy (TRT) was his low sex drive. And TRT delivered his sex drive, as it’s known to do. As with any such therapy, results will vary. Your husband is really responding to his.
Unless his sex drive becomes so distracting that it impacts his obligations/daily life, I don’t think this is much of a problem. Swing by when you can, but otherwise, leave him to his own devices, of which he now owns several. It seems like he’s doing what he needs to do with his libido boost. If he is unsatisfied with the results, he should talk to his doctor. But something tells me that he’s currently thrilled enough for both of you.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
My girlfriend and I are two women in our early-20s, and we’ve been together for nearly two years. Our relationship is mostly great, except for one thing: Over the past six months, the quality of our sex life has dropped dramatically. My girlfriend developed really bad tendonitis in both of her wrists very suddenly. It makes it difficult for her to do a lot of things she used to enjoy, including, well, me.
