Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Good Job,
I am a female 46-year-old working with a man, “Brandon,” who is the same age. We work in the counseling field, in residential care for teenage clients.
About 18 months ago, I witnessed “Brandon” being verbally abusive to a kid. When I was asked about it, I told my bosses the truth about what I saw and heard: Brandon was threatening and insulting a kid with cognitive disabilities.
Well, Brandon found out, got angry at me, and hasn’t spoken to me cordially since. At first, he stopped speaking to me completely and labeled me a snitch. So now I get the silent treatment, or, if he has no choice but to ask me something (maybe once a month), it’s in the harshest, rudest, most condescending tone you can imagine. This is all in front of our teenage clients. If I try to enter a conversation he’s a part of in a group with other co-workers, he will literally turn and rudely walk away midsentence.
He has a long history of disregarding women he doesn’t find sexually desirable—I’ve found that he only has “good” relationships with young women at work he thinks are cute and dress and act the way he approves of. It’s gross. I’m the team supervisor, and it’s clear he resented me getting promoted, because it’s only gotten worse since then. Sitting down and talking doesn’t work, because he won’t engage. Killing him with kindness has failed. I’ve tried internally granting him grace and the benefit of the doubt more times than I can count. I’ve reframed the situation about 1,000 times. He’s the kind of person who brags about his ability to hold grudges. I feel sick going to work when he’s there, and unfortunately he’s not going anywhere. Can you give me some advice I haven’t thought of yet on how to deal with a resentful, sullen, grudge-holding co-worker who refuses to communicate? It’s affecting my peace of mind. I’m usually really good at dealing with difficult people, so I’m stumped.
—Stumped
Dear Stumped,
I’m fixated on one small bit of your letter—the part where you say that you are this objectively horrible person’s supervisor. Brandon needs to be fired yesterday. There’s no reason why this person, who seems to be both bad at their job and also a horrible human being, should still be employed, much less be around children. Kick him to the curb and, because he sounds unstable, take some measures to protect yourself after he gets fired. I’m also wondering why he wasn’t fired after he was caught threatening and insulting a kid! What does someone have to do to get fired where you work?! (Rhetorical question, but also not.)
—Doree
Classic Prudie
My husband has a history of cheating. Last year I found conclusive proof that he had yearslong sexual relationships with two women and inappropriate relationships with several more. We separated for several months but never stopped sleeping together. He eventually moved back home. We have attended counseling. We are trying to make things work. Then a position opened up unexpectedly with my husband’s employer, and lo and behold, one of the women he carried on with was hired to work closely with him by sheer coincidence. It should be said that his inappropriate relationships and one of the two sexual affairs were with coworkers from previous jobs. I want to believe that it really is coincidence, but I’m struggling very much with that.
