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Key Takeaways
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Fawning could easily be mistaken for an easy-going and polite demeanor, but teens who exhibit these types of behaviors often struggle to express their own needs
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Experts say that fawning is a stress response that some teens use to appease the people around them
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Teens who exhibit fawning behaviors have a deep desire for approval but they might feel overwhelmed or invisible behind the scenes
Most parents relish the thought of having an easygoing child—one who appears agreeable, adaptable, and easy to get along with. But there are times when this mild-mannered temperament is not all that it’s cracked up to be and could be a sign of what therapists sometimes call “fawning.”
When teens are always smiling, nodding along, or keeping quiet despite feeling uncomfortable or angry inside, it may not just be that they are polite, explains Chelyan McComas, MS, LPC, NCC, a therapist and owner of Kind Heart Counseling. Instead, it could be a sign of fawning, a stress response, or a form of people pleasing or appeasement.
If you suspect that your teen is engaging in fawning, here is what mental health professionals say are the consequences and what you can do to combat it.
““Teens might view someone being upset with them as a ‘threat,’ so their brain responds to protect them with fawning behavior,“ says McComas. “Over time, [this behavior] does not allow them to develop trust in their sense of self. They tend to need others to tell them how to feel [and] what to do.””
Chelyan McComas, MS, LPC, NCC
What Does Fawning Mean?
Fawning is a type of stress response, similar to fight, flight, or freeze, says Hamilton Gaiani, MD, a double board-certified psychiatrist with Firepit Health. “It means trying too hard to please others, avoiding conflict, and hiding your own needs or feelings. These behaviors can look like good manners or maturity, but they often come from fear or emotional pain.”
Dr. Gaiani says parents need to recognize that fawning can seem like your child just has an easygoing personality. However, he explains that deep down, some teens feel anxious and are afraid to speak up or be themselves. They may act this way because they are often ignored, feel unsafe, or are going through emotional stress.
“If these habits continue without support, they can lead to mental health problems later in life,” says Dr. Gaiani. “Some people may even turn to unhealthy ways of coping, like using drugs or alcohol. That’s why it’s important to notice these signs early and offer help before the patterns become harder to change.”
How to Recognize Fawning in Teens
Often, fawning is considered a trauma response, and is more common than you might think, says Sarah VerLee, PhD, a pediatric psychologist and clinical director for Family Violence Programs at The Center for Family Safety and Healing at Nationwide Children’s Hospital. Teens who use this response may bend over backward to please someone, not necessarily to be nice or considerate, she says. Dr. VerLee says fawning in teens may include:
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Apologizing for everything
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Engaging in excessive people pleasing
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Seeking external validation or wanting approval to feel worthy and accepted
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Having difficulty expressing needs
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Being unable to say how you think or feel due to concerns that it might make someone else upset
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Prioritizing others’ needs over one’s own
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Exaggerating the flattery of others
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Struggling to assert themselves or say no to their friends and other authority figures like teachers or extended family members, even if it negatively impacts their well-being
How Fawning Is Connected to People Pleasing
Fawning and people pleasing are closely related—fawning is more serious because you’re not just seeking approval, but also safety. When mental health professionals use the term, they often are referring to an extreme form of people pleasing, where a person’s own needs and wants are no longer factored in to their decision-making, says Emily Waitt, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Kincove Adolescent Therapy and Wellness.
“In people-pleasing, approval-seeking is the goal,” says Waitt. “In fawning, self-protection is the goal. They are solely focused on the threat.”
She says fawning behaviors are tricky to identify in adolescence because belonging to a peer group can often feel necessary for survival. For teens who struggle socially, the drive to be accepted might dictate their behavior even when it could put them in a dangerous situation, she says.
Consequences of Fawning
Fawning causes ongoing stress that can be hard for teens to manage, says Gaiani. Those that engage in this behavior are regularly alert to other people’s feelings, hide their own emotions, and feel responsible for keeping others happy; the pressure to maintain a posture of fawning can become overwhelming, he says.
Why Parents Need to Be Particularly Vigilant If They Suspect Fawning Behavior
The challenge is that fawning often looks like good behavior, leading you to praise your teen for being polite or helpful without realizing they might be struggling. This can delay getting the support they need, says Gaiani.
“I’d say at least a third of the kids I work with show some version of fawning,” says McComas. “A lot of them are perfectionists or very sensitive. Some even do it in therapy with me. They’ll hold back from saying they’d like to talk about something else or if a coping skill isn’t working for them because they don’t want me to feel bad.”
Teens are also particularly prone to going along with things they don’t want, and are sometimes obsessed with being liked. “Sometimes that’s as small as dressing in a style that doesn’t feel like them, and sometimes it’s bigger choices like drinking or sex before they’re ready,” she says.
Some teens also turn to substances like drugs and alcohol to cope with feeling invisible and overwhelmed by trying to make everyone happy. These substances might help them feel calmer before social events or help them relax afterward, says Gaiani. It can also give them temporary relief from the stress of always trying to please others.
How Fawning Can Lead to Substance Abuse
Fawning can take a psychological toll, especially when it becomes a pattern. Teens can lose touch with their authentic feelings, struggle with low self-esteem, or feel overly anxious about disappointing others, says Waitt.
Over time, this pattern of putting aside their wants and needs can contribute to anxiety, depression, or unhealthy relationships, she says. Some teens might ‘lean into perfectionism as a way to secure approval,” or have trouble talking about how they are feeling, even with those they trust—and that’s just the beginning.
If these issues aren’t addressed by a mental health professional, some teens may turn to substances as well as withdraw from peers or family, or develop physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, and sleep disturbances, says Waitt.
Using substances during adolescence can also lead to other complications. For instance, researchers have found that early use of alcohol can eventually lead to experimentation with other substances. It is even possible that they develop a substance use disorder.
Signs a Teen Is Using Substances to Cope
According to Gaiani, drinking or using drugs before social situations is a major sign that your teen may be using alcohol to cope with fawning and to feel more comfortable or confident. “[You] might also notice your teen seems unusually calm or different [than their usual self] before going out.” He says you should also watch for these signs.
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Using substances as an “off switch.” This pattern of using drugs or alcohol to escape distress is a classic pathway to dependency.
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Having trouble setting limits. People with fawning patterns often can’t set limits around substance use, saying yes to “just one more drink” the same way they say yes to gain approval or avoid conflict in other situations.
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Hiding their usage. Teens who engage in fawning hate disappointing others, so they hide their substance use to avoid judgment.
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Using substances to seem likeable. Some teens will use substances to keep up with people pleasing and the stress of trying to make everyone happy.
Tips for Parents
When you see your child engaging in fawning-like behavior, it can be tempting to try to push them to act differently, says Waitt. The problem with that is, they are then just repeating this same behavior with you, she says.
“Really, it starts with helping your teen become more aware of their own thoughts and feelings and trusting themselves,” says Waitt. Here is what you can do if you notice fawning behavior in your child.
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Validate their feelings. Let them know their emotions, needs, and opinions matter, even if they differ from yours.
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Model healthy boundaries. Show them it’s safe to say “no” and to express their needs without fear of rejection.
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Encourage independence. Give them opportunities to make decisions, especially older teens, and support them in speaking up in safe environments so that they can learn to trust their own thoughts and feelings
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Seek support if needed. If you notice persistent sadness, anger, anxiety, or risky behavior, working with a therapist can help them strengthen their sense of self and build healthier coping strategies.
“A lot of parents are surprised when I tell them easygoing isn’t always a good thing,” says McComas. “Once they see fawning for what it is, they can help their teen build healthier, more authentic relationships.”
Read the original article on Parents
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