How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband (we’re both men) brought home a guy for a threesome without telling me, saying he wanted it to be a “surprise.” It was. The guy happened to be incredibly hot, so I went along with it anyway, but I think him springing this on me without consulting me first was pretty thoughtless. Should I try pulling the same trick on him and see how he likes it?
—What Goes Around…
Dear What Goes Around…,
You’re asking if you should punish your husband for what? Bringing a hot guy home? Please. I agree with you that he should have asked you first, but he didn’t and you tacitly forgave that by having sex. If the experience was nevertheless unenjoyable or even if the shock of the proposition outshined the actual sex, a conversation is in order. Just ask him to talk about it with you first, explaining that this is not the type of surprise that you find fun.
But if the sex was really good and you’re miffed purely on principle, I’m going to urge you to try to center yourself in the realm of the practical. You could look at this as a new era in your relationship: your thirds era. Your husband’s method was a bit sloppy but you had fun anyway, and now there is more of that kind of fun that you can have. By all means, you have been given an implicit pass to do the same (at least once), and you should if you are so inspired and can remain in the original sharing spirit. But doing the same thing to him for sheer retaliation is escalating; he was “thoughtless” in your assessment. Don’t see and raise him with calculating and punitive. Keep sex fun and share a guy because it’s a hot thing to do, not to settle a score. Not only is that adding negativity where it doesn’t belong, it’d be treating the third as a pawn, not a person.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a single, straight male who just turned 60. I’ve never really had much of a sex life outside of masturbation. I’m not a bad looking guy, as I’ve been told, but have never had much confidence in myself. The limited sexual encounters I’ve had have been mainly with escorts (that, however, is a topic for another day.) My question deals with ejaculation. Over the last several years, I’ve noticed a marked decrease in ejaculate strength and volume. When I orgasm, the result is often a dribble, and generally one shot. I masturbate 3-5 times a week on average. What I’d like to know is, is this normal for my age? If not, is there something that I can do to get a little more umph in my game?
—I Want More
Dear I Want More,
Your suspicion is likely correct: Your ejaculatory underwhelm may indeed be a product of age. From urologist Aaron Spitz’s The Penis Book:
As men pass the threshold of middle age, their pelvic floor muscles become weaker and less semen is ejaculated with less force—even down to none at all. Also, the seminal vesicles tend to empty less completely and may become partially blocked by the prostate gland as it enlarges. These are normal consequences of getting older.
To put an even finer point on this, a 2007 analysis of more than 6,000 semen samples found that on average, the peak semen volume came from subjects between 30 and 35 in age, and the lowest volumes came from subjects who were ages 55 and up. Spitz adds that other factors that may play a role in semen volume include hormone balance, hydration, overall health, level of arousal and the strength of one’s pelvic floor.
This may be entirely out of your control, but you may want to consider exercising your pelvic floor (or doing kegel exercises, as they’re called). This typically involves squeezing your pelvic floor muscles repeatedly for periods of time. You can locate the muscle by stopping your flow of urine—working your kegels basically amounts to doing that same thing over and over. There are various online guides for these exercises—I use the Stamena app. Another thing to consider is the usefulness of abstinence. A study of 27 men followed for 16 months found that semen volume increased 11.9 percent per abstained day for the first four days of abstinence and 7.1 percent thereafter. Try taking a few days off and see if that boosts your balls.
I don’t recommend any kind of supplements that purport to increase semen volume. Any kind of reported success from them is anecdotal and generally on a person-to-person basis (I’ve tried some for the sake of answering these very questions and saw no difference). “I know there are some supplements and despite a friend being one of the ‘founders’ of one of these I would not say they actually do anything,” Charles Welliver, director of men’s health at Albany Medical College and my go-to urology source, wrote to me in an email regarding your letter. Something else you might want to look into: Medications (including urologic ones) may cause lower semen volume so if you had any changes recently in your regimen, that may be the culprit. Otherwise, “This isn’t something you need to see a doctor about. There isn’t much you can do,” wrote Welliver.
You should also pause to consider why this matters to you. Maybe it’s a way of providing to yourself that your body isn’t as old as the years suggest, or maybe you just like to think to yourself, “Look what I made!,” while gazing at the giant puddle of sperm you just produced. But since your play is largely solo, you’re the only one who’s judging. It’s great to strive for more than what you already are and can do, but self-acceptance is key for happiness. If you can’t boost your volume, find a way to be OK with that. Even if they aren’t big, your loads are still yours.
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Dear How to Do It,
I am having an issue that while not the biggest problem in the world, is still something I would rather not deal with. My wife and I have been together for seven years, married for four. Within the last year and a half, if we don’t have sex the previous night, I wake up with morning wood. I’ve tried jerking off when my wife doesn’t want to have sex, but it doesn’t work. If I don’t get laid or at least a blow job, I will be guaranteed to be standing at attention come morning. Any suggestions?
—The Sun Isn’t the Only Thing Rising
Dear The Sun Isn’t the Only Thing Rising,
Two thoughts on what’s going on here: Your reporting is imprecise (no shade, you aren’t a one-man scientist/subject and no one except me is truly concerned about your data), or this has something to do with hormones. Anecdotally, at least one person reports a more likelihood to get morning wood if he has had sex the night before. Regardless, a person like you and a person like him are both likely getting multiple erections a night. The exact reasons for nocturnal penile tumescence, as it’s officially referred to, aren’t known, but it may have something to do with the bladder—perhaps as an alert of its fullness or because a full bladder stimulates nerves that end up causing these spontaneous erections.
Morning erections can be a sign of penile/overall health. They are something a lot of guys deal with, mostly by walking them off or peeing upon waking. If your wood is persistent, jerk off or ask your wife if she’s down for a morning bone. Morning wood can be annoying, but its absence can indicate something worse. “Morning and overnight erections are normal! They are good for penile health, bringing in nourishing and oxygenated blood,” wrote Welliver, the urologist I quoted elsewhere in this column. Embrace your morning wood—however you see fit.
—Rich
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I’m a 52-year-old male who looks 42. I’m healthy, fairly handsome, very intelligent, successful, musically talented, generous, and have a great sense of humor. But, I have the absolute most difficult time engaging any type of sex that involves my penis because it’s smaller than average, and noticeably so. It’s been over a decade since I’ve had sex, been on a date, or even had a kiss, because at this point, I have so little self-confidence that I haven’t even attempted to ask a woman out. The penis size issue is a mental block for me. How do I move beyond this?
