Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I am married and I have a close friend that is single. The other night, my husband, my friend, and I were drinking at my house. I had enough to drink and I told my friend I was sleepy. She told me to go to sleep. She did not have to tell me twice, I got up and went to bed and left her with my husband.
Later, I woke up and lay in bed. I could hear noises, like moaning and heavy breathing on the other side of the wall. I just listened and did not move. I realized I was turned on by this. It stopped, and my husband walked into our room to check on me. He goes out again and I can hear the noises again. Before this, my sexual drive for my husband was out. But now every time we get together I’m aroused again. What he and my friend did was wrong and I am not sure how many times they have done this with me knocked out in the other room. But it has also made a difference in our sex life. I have not confronted him or my friend, who by the way I work with. I have thought about just calling him out and not saying anything to my friend because this would impact our relationship at work.
—Hot and Not Bothered
Dear Hot and Not Bothered,
Kudos to you for being honest about what turns you on sexually. It sounds like you’d like to indulge more in the cuckquean lifestyle, which involves deriving sexual pleasure by watching (or hearing) your partner have sex with others. It can be a form of voyeurism and it’s a pretty common sexual fantasy. This practice can include encouraging your partner to pursue it actively, or it can be just one that you participate in alone.
You can pursue voyeurism responsibly by watching porn and role-playing, but it crosses the line when someone has not consented to be involved. While it’s sexy to hear your husband doing someone else, how would the other woman feel if she didn’t know someone was listening in for their own sexual enjoyment?
Before confronting your husband, think about what you’d like to address. Is it the fact that he cheated and slept with your friend? Do you want an explanation? Or is it that you know and would like him to continue this behavior (with consent from all parties) but with more structure and rules, for example, a rule stating he can’t sleep with your co-workers? Know what resolution you’re looking for—setting some boundaries will make it less likely he’ll run to your friend, which can prevent the very awkwardness you’re trying to avoid.
—Athena Valentine
From: My Husband Doesn’t Know I Overheard Him Cheating in the Other Room. (Jan. 23, 2024).
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Dear How to Do It,
Last year, we moved into a new house with excellent water pressure. Like almost pressure washer pressure. And using the handheld showerhead, I’ve found that extremely hot, extremally focused water jets spraying on my testicles is one of the most intense pleasurable experiences of my life. It’s not orgasmic, per se, but it feels really, really good – the point I kind of zone out and lose track of time. I know this is bad for my water bill, but my question is more basic: How do I recreate this sensation in the bedroom? My wife and I are approaching 20 years of marriage, and while we have a good sex life, it’s not particularly adventuresome. Shower sex is likely not in the scenario. Any advice? Toys? I feel like finding a solution for this problem will be helping me not only have a more pleasurable experience, but will also be good for the planet.
—Under Pressure
Dear Under Pressure,
Try a vibrator. Or consider the Womanizer Wave showerhead which claims to reduce water use by 60 percent, though that won’t help you out in the actual bedroom but might get at some of that guilt about wasting water. Friend of the column Sonja Vitow suggests a Waterpik with the tonsil stone attachment. But I’d add a waterproof sheet or mattress protector if you decide to bring it into the bedroom. Or start experimenting with other sensations that your testes might find tantalizing that might not involve water but could include just about any other form of touch you can think of.
—Jessica Stoya
From: My Wife Said She Wanted to Experience “Everything With Me” Years Ago. I Want to Hold Her to It. (Sept. 20, 2023).
Dear How to Do It,
I have a fantastic sex life overall. That said, I have a problem. Sometimes, when I have an intense orgasm, I have what I can only describe as a brain disconnect after. There have been a couple times when I cannot talk. I will try, but all that comes out is gibberish. I have also had panic attacks. It doesn’t happen every time I have an intense orgasm, but when it does it’s pretty scary. Is this a normal reaction to intense orgasms, or is it something I should be worrying about?
—Blackout
Dear Blackout,
I have a pretty strong aversion to the word “normal,” but in my estimation, what you are experiencing is not common. If it were, it’d have been captured, commodified, and turned into a subgenre of porn already (the closest example to a reference in popular culture that comes to mind is when Missy Elliott said, “Sex me so good I say blah-blah-blah” in “Work It”).
Regarding the “normal” part, Anna Reinert agrees. Reinert is a gynecologist in Los Angeles who I reached out to after reading a paper she co-wrote, “‘Did You Climax or Are You Just Laughing at Me?’ Rare Phenomena Associated With Orgasm,” which ran in the Sexual Medicine Reviews journal in 2017 and documents instances of rare peri-orgasmic phenomena reported in medical literature and via colleagues. (Reinert has also contributed to Slate.)
“Without knowing more about this individual, I can say this: An orgasm involves diverse areas of the brain, and there are a variety of bizarre post-orgasmic phenomenon reported in the medical literature, many of which can be explained by our understanding of bodily representation within the brain, or of the neurochemical changes that occur with orgasm,” Reinert told me via email. “These phenomena are not common, so I wouldn’t describe them as ‘normal,’ but in general they are mostly harmless and just a side effect of how the brain is wired. Sex also raises a person’s heart rate and blood pressure, and can be a trigger for dangerous health events, so it’s important to make sure that weird symptoms are ‘just’ due to orgasm, and are not a sign of a stroke, heart attack, or brain aneurysm, for instance.”
Regarding your panic attacks, which Reinert’s aforementioned paper documents, she said: “Among individuals with a history of panic disorder, it has been reported that many experience panic attacks after orgasm; as with this individual, they do not typically occur with every orgasm, only a small percentage of them. If symptoms are sufficiently bothersome, an affected individual could talk with their doctor about medication to decrease the frequency of panic attacks (but medication side effects might cause more trouble for one’s sex life than did the panic attacks).”
The speech symptoms are more concerning. “They sound like what is called Broca’s aphasia, which can be a sign of a stroke in the part of the brain responsible for production of language,” Reinert wrote. “Since this individual’s symptoms occur only immediately after orgasm and then spontaneously resolve, it’s not likely a stroke, but could be due to a seizure or transient ischemic attack in this brain area. It has been reported that some people experience seizures precipitated by orgasm. I would recommend that this person discuss these symptoms with their doctor and maybe a neurologist, in order to rule out a potentially dangerous underlying medical condition.”
No need to panic, but you heard the doctor: Go see a doctor.
—Rich Juzwiak
From: My Husband Cheated, Got an STI, and Didn’t Tell Me. (July 22, 2019).
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I have an ethical question I would be interested in your opinion on (though I have a hunch what your answer will be). The question is, with all the discourse concerning consent and power around sexuality and age taking place right now, is it OK to fantasize about underage people if those fantasies are memories in which you were also underage and an active and enthusiastic participant?
