Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter, who is 44 years old, moved in with my husband and me after I was diagnosed with leukemia. This was four years ago; I am in remission now, but still struggling to recover from all the chemotherapy and the damage it’s done. My daughter is making recovery so much worse.
My problem is that my daughter never helps with anything around the house. She only makes more work for me. She leaves dirty dishes, laundry, and everything else strewn about for me to deal with. I have told my husband that it’s time for her to move out, but he doesn’t agree. So now I am stuck taking care of her and her dog, especially now that she has a full-time job. I need help encouraging my daughter to move along with her own life.
—Exhausted Cancer Survivor
Dear Exhausted,
Congratulations on being in remission! I would like to suggest that you don’t need help with your daughter—you need help with your husband! I’m sure your husband is a lovely man, but you would have solved this problem already if he hadn’t objected. So the key to your sanity will be getting on the same page as partners regarding what you want your home life to be like. After that, you can make a plan to confront your daughter.
When you told your husband that your daughter needed to move out, what reason did he give for disagreeing with you? Maybe he thinks her presence is somehow good for your health or well-being. He might be under the impression that she provides a kind of companionship you benefit from. Or, perhaps his reasons have more to do with him; being the only caretaker in a home can be a lot of pressure and feel a bit lonely. He may feel relieved knowing that your daughter is there to share the burden, and thus be reticent to give that up. Whatever the case is, he needs to articulate why he wants your daughter to stay. And if she does stick around, he should be the one to either whip her behaviors into shape or make up for her oversights.
A serious illness is a surefire way to put one’s life into perspective—for both the patient and their partner. It causes some folks to draw their loved ones closer, while others yell, “YOLO” and book a Tanzania safari. Still others work to cultivate a peaceful and tranquil home. There is no wrong response. But in this case, as with most relationship discord, communication is key. You and your husband might not be able to reach a full consensus just yet, but I bet you can get there after a few thoughtful, vulnerable conversations. At the very least, I hope he agrees that dirty dishes and laundry are not a gift you should be forced to “receive” at this stage in your life.
—Allison
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