Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
I have married into a family of gambling addicts. My husband’s mother, father, and the majority of his extended family are compulsive gamblers. They are constantly in debt, and many have been bankrupt multiple times. Thankfully, my husband does not gamble or have addictive behavior. His problem isn’t addiction, it’s loyalty.
He and his father are estranged because his father had only reached out when he needed money. My husband cosigned several high-interest loans for him, but when his dad stopped paying them back , my husband refused to cosign another loan. But besides his dad, he is very loyal to his family and helps them out when they ask for money.
Meanwhile, his mom recently moved to Las Vegas and is in a desperate financial situation as a result.
She says her new plan is to try to move to be closer to us. My husband supports this plan. I can’t, though. Moving here will get her away from Vegas, but it will not solve the underlying financial issues and gambling addiction.
And here is the kicker: We are about to have a baby and my husband just got laid off from his teaching job. I know that his mother moving here will result in a lot of additional costs that neither of she nor my husband are anticipating.
I have a good job and solid savings/investments, but I don’t feel comfortable giving money to people who are constantly gambling it away. I want to help my mother-in-law when she needs it, but I don’t know how to get my husband to draw boundaries. I have recommended gambling addiction services, but he dismisses it as a cultural/family problem and doesn’t think it will help. Do you have any recommendations for how to help someone in this situation?
—Rolling the Dice
Dear Rolling the Dice,
Your husband sounds like a nice guy trapped by his family and their addiction. But you’re right: Without proper supervision and solid joint decision-making, your financial lives will be at risk.
Until your husband recognizes he has control over what happens and learns to draw important boundaries, nothing is going to change. You should insist on joint counseling as a precondition to his mother moving any closer. If he won’t go, then you should go on your own.
In any case, there are other resources available to you. Many states, including Nevada, offer help in case of a gambling addiction. The National Problem Gambling Helpline (800-GAMBLER) serves as a one-stop hub for resources. You might want to reach out to Al-Anon, which helps families and friends of alcoholics deal with the issues that addiction raises in their lives. While the issue here is gambling, not drinking, Al-Anon might still be able to help.
You and your husband need to get on the same page. Then, and only then, will you be able to deal effectively with his family.
—Ilyce
More Money Advice From Slate
My in-laws divorced about 10 years ago and split their assets. My mother-in-law spent all her money. Now, despite a good job, has debts and no assets. Now, health issues may force her into retirement, and she will not be able to afford her rent.
