My son’s favorite after-school counselor is his greatest role model. I can’t believe what I just caught him doing.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My 12-year-old son goes to an after-school program oriented around healthy living. They learn to cook vegetarian dishes, do yoga and meditation, and learn about various topics such as healthy sexuality and substance abuse. I’m extremely passionate about all of these things and was delighted to hear that my son was enjoying it as well when he started going two years ago, especially because he had never particularly liked sports or other extracurriculars.

He really looks up to the only male counselor, “Drew.” His father and I divorced when he was 7, and he only spends time with his dad over the holidays, so it is extremely important to me that he has positive male role models in his life. But recently, while running errands on the weekend without my son, I found Drew doing something horrible.

I walked past a bar with some people smoking cigarettes outside—and Drew was one of them! I didn’t confront him but was shocked and concerned. To my knowledge there aren’t official rules in the program about staff using substances outside of work, but I would hope that the staff believe in a “practice what you preach” mindset! There are plenty of places they could work with kids that don’t emphasize the values this program does.

I feel let down and am worried about what other behaviors Drew might engage in outside of work, and if he would ever let anything slip that my son would find out about. I’m worried that it would either damage my son’s relationship with him, or, even worse, entice my son to dabble in these behaviors since he looks up to Drew so much. Is it appropriate to reach out to the leadership staff of the program about what I saw? I know smoking cigarettes isn’t illegal (unfortunately), but they were also less than 25 feet away from the building, which is illegal in our state. Any thoughts on this?

—Healthy Hypocrisy

Dear HH, 

I had to read through this twice to ensure I was keeping your question in proper context, but based on what I’ve gathered from the information provided, please don’t take offense at the harshness of my response. But, Jesus Christ, NO. Please don’t reach out to the leadership staff whatsoever. Drew is an adult who is enjoying some well-deserved downtime and is 100% allowed to have that.

Let’s also assume that the bar is a little more lax about the 25-feet rule, so let’s not call the cigarette police just yet because then you’ll get the bar in trouble, which, as far as I can tell, as long as they’re not serving your 12-year-old son martinis and cigarettes, is not your lane to angrily swerve into.

Remember that before you saw him smoking, you loved Drew—and more importantly, your son still loves Drew. If you narc, it would ruin the relationship between him and your son, possibly forever, and you don’t want that guilt. Trust that Drew is still a positive role model. This one incident doesn’t mean that your son is destined for a life of crime or substance misuse. The only real damage that could be done to him right now will only be caused by you if you follow through with this disastrous plan to rescue him. Step back, practice yoga, meditate, and trust that, until you hear otherwise, your son is still in good hands. Namaste!

—A.J.

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