How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband likes to view porn and will often make comments on women’s nudes. During the pandemic, this worsened.
He would be looking at posts of women and commenting on them while sitting right next to me. He would also engage in kinky chats with them. I blew up at him when I noticed him messaging during a family function. I told him how much it hurts me to see him messaging strangers how beautiful they are, but not saying the same things to me. He told me that he’s helping these women with their self-esteem, but these women have OnlyFans and other pay site pages on their profiles. He also says it’s just a fantasy and has no bearing on what he feels for me.
We are going to both individual and couples counseling, and my husband was diagnosed with ADHD, which can affect impulse control. He told me he would pursue these sites less and hasn’t done so when I’m around, but I know he’s still texting women because I have caught him messaging on Instagram and Reddit. Do I ignore the chats since we have made improvements in our marriage overall? I still feel inadequate.
—Sitting Next to You Yet Alone
Dear Sitting Next to You Yet Alone,
Before I dive in, I recommend you read this essay from Laurie Penny on the different phenomena of autism and assholery. Autism and ADHD are two different (though often co-occurring) diagnoses, but I still think this might offer some valuable insight—namely, that neurodiversity does not preclude a person from sometimes also simply being a jerk.
While difficulties with impulse control are often a part of ADHD, there’s more going on here. Your husband says he’s helping these women with their self-esteem. That’s either an outrageous amount of ego on his part or a marketing tactic on the part of these women. OK, maybe it’s the latter case, and he’s very naive. But he also claims it’s just “fantasy,” which indicates that if this self-esteem nonsense is a marketing maneuver, he’s well aware of it—so then why is he reaching for an aspect of their roleplay as his first justification?
I do believe that your husband’s interest in porn, commenting on women’s posts, and engaging in erotic chats with them is separate from his feelings for and attraction to you. What is absolutely not separate, though, is doing all of this during time with you, including at a family function, or after you’ve made it clear to him that you’re uncomfortable with it. I’m also less than enthused by the fact that he reserves his positive commentary for other women and doesn’t extend the same appreciative language to you. Do you not also have self-esteem, which could be boosted by hearing that your husband finds you attractive?
To circle back to the “at family gatherings” and “despite having agreed to slow down” aspects of the issue, yes, this could be due to having a hard time controlling his impulses. That’s something a professional can help with. Some people find that medication works well for them, while others prefer to rely on building skills. You can inquire whether he’s working on this in individual therapy, let him know that help is possible, and even, if he wants, text him a helpful reminder to bring this up as he’s walking into his next session, but it’s up to him to follow through. Do not become his nagging neurodiversity nanny.
As for whether to ignore the chats, it seems like the agreement was for him to reduce the amount of time he spends engaging in these activities, and it sounds like he has done so. More importantly, though, is the question of whether the two of you can tackle the contradictory ways he dismisses your feelings and concerns around this, and the absence of praise for your own beauty.
—Jessica
More Advice From Slate
My husband has a sexual superpower, and it is exhausting. He has no refractory period after having an orgasm. He prefers three-plus orgasms during a sexual encounter with me, ideally, five, but will settle for two.
