Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
We’re caught in a weird neighbor/package theft situation.
My husband and I disagree on whether to somehow confront them (my approach) or go nuclear and talk to the police (his approach). We live in a duplex. Our neighbor, who owns the other half, rents it to tenants. Currently, a 50-something couple, “James” and “Helen,” rent it. We tried to get to know them when they moved in, but they brushed us off, so we left them alone. It’s been fine … until now.
My husband’s elderly mom lives with us, and this year, she started needing specialty incontinence underwear. They’re not the drugstore type, so to get the best price, we order online from a medical retailer. After our third package, any that came when we weren’t home disappeared. Nothing else we order online ever gets stolen. My husband recently got a free Ring camera through work, and we figured maybe it could give us answers. We watched the video, and it’s James and Helen! Even when there are other, more expensive-looking packages on the porch, they only steal these ones. We’re baffled and angry, but disagree on how to deal with this. Package theft is small, but we also need these packages, and we’re not made of money. We live next door! It’s such antisocial behavior.
—The Porch Pirates Are Inside the House
Dear Porch Pirates,
Write them a note—or go talk to them in person so they don’t have time to come up with a cover story—and say this: “Hi neighbors. I know we haven’t talked much, but we’ve solved a mystery in the building, and it involves you and mailroom confusion. Our packages from a specialty pharmacy were found missing, and we knew they weren’t the kind of thing anyone would want to steal, so we were so confused and reviewed the footage. It looks like you took them by mistake. It must be because you get medical shipments from the same place. You probably haven’t opened the boxes yet, or maybe you did and they were the same as items you use, so you didn’t notice! So if you open up any incontinence underwear, please let us know or double-check the addresses.”
This is all a lie to give them cover to return the goods without getting defensive or admitting guilt, but also to let them know they’re being watched so they won’t snatch the next delivery.
Classic Prudie
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